Narcissistic Mum

Rowen13

I have recently turned 50 and have been a carer for my narcissistic mum. She uses all the usual tricks, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolating me, sabotaging etc.

My mental health has spiralled and after being a carer for 10 years, I feel depressed, anxious and suicidal. I suffer from childhood PTSD with physical and emotional abuse. We were also often starved as children and were never provided a stable loving or nurturing environment.

She is now 82, has two brain tumours and has fallen and hit her head twice. But after being repeatedly verbally abused in front of doctors and nurses, I broke down. I can't continue and often feel like the only way to be free is to take my life.

I am on a carer's payment so I take the abuse because I am scared of being homeless. I have no husband and was unable to have children. I have had a case manager assigned to me as I spiral further into my depression and suicidal ideation.

I have told her I can no longer be her carer, she is trying to guilt me. I have no self esteem and feel guilty for leaving my mum in the hospital. I have no support network, no friends, no income and feel so isolated and desolate. My life has passed and I my body goes in to panic mode as I am continually traumatised by her abuse. I feel so much shame and lost in life.

I have no idea what to do, I will soon be homeless and I will be unable to make car repayments. I'm a scared little child at 50 years old and I long to close my eyes and never wake up. I wish I was never born. My depression and GAD has made me in to a coward and I am worthless.

Mrd74

Hi Rowen13,

I'm sorry your in so much pain and feel so overwhelmed by the situation you find yourself in.

It's important that you feel safe and that you have people around you that can assist you to deal with these very serious feelings you are grappling with.

Narcissistic abuse tears down and destroys the very foundation of who you are and I know it's incredibly hard to manage other external stressors once the hits keep coming, but you can get through this, your not alone.

feel free to write back if you want to chat more I'm a night owl

Kindly

Mrd74

Rowen13

Hello Mrd74,

I would love to chat with someone. Is there anyway to send private messages all is it all replies to the original post.

tranzcrybe

At 50, your life is far from over, and there is an awful lot of quality living on the horizon for you.

While mother was in hospital, were you spoken to by a Social Worker?
It may be possible to transition her directly into 'expedited' residential care (for her safety) if actioned from hospital while a patient.

An ACAT assessment will identify her capacity (or otherwise) to care for herself and provide a reference number for permanent residential care if applicable.

As her carer, do you have an Advanced Care Plan: (Executor, Powers of Attorney (medical, financial)) or know who they are to act on her behalf?

Your fears of 'homelessness' may be unwarranted if you have permanent residency, so seeking legal advice may prove enlightening (Legal Aid being the first option).

The same applies to Carer Payment which would likely change to some other Centrelink benefit until you get back on your feet emotionally.

For this, you should talk to Centrelink also as there will surely be some hoops to jump through.

It will be a steep learning curve to independence, but might place you in a more positive frame of mind as the Aged Care system is designed for such a need when things become too much to handle.

Mrd74

Hi Rowen13, I'm honestly not sure how that is possible but I'm happy to keep in contact with you like this as I don't use social media or want to breach any rules of the forum.

I definitely don't have all the answers but I can speak from my experiences about how I crawled my way back from the brink when I felt so lost and alone, I'm still alone but that's now a choice, I'm still broken but my quality of life has improved once I could start to shed the unnecessary weight caused by the codependency, judgement and mind games that were inflicted on me, first by two family members and then a partner which totally destroyed the last parts of my self esteem, coupled with CPTSD from my military service childhood I completely broke, I lost my career, my income all my friends/family and my mind, I was destitute and had to fight for 5 years to get my conditions acknowledged and get on a pension.

Starting again at 50 isn't easy as I only just turned it myself but it has to be possible, accepting that I couldn't handle everything and I couldn't solve every problem I had was hard after being so capable but it can be done.

Prioritising was the key and it means baby steps and focusing on basic necessities, food, shelter and medical, and the ability to access support services.

You will need to make some tough choices and you will feel awful about some of the decisions but your survival and recovery is the greatest priority you have and need to be selfish with regards to what is in your best interests.

Guilt and shame about what you need to do to get yourself in a better headspace and a better situation will need you to be patient and committed to changing the way you think and approach people and problems and if you can things will start to improve, your life is a precious gift and it hasn't been wasted it's just been spent trying to do the right thing for others but it's time for you to think about yourself because your worth it.

I still get sick and require medication periodic hospitalization when things become unmanageable, I then need to stabilise again and try and put the pieces back together again, I know how hard this can be when you can't even rely on yourself but if you can continue to breathe and have something that makes sense it gives you a reason to be then that's a good start.

yours sincerely

Mrd74

Rowen13

Thank you so much guys for offering advice. You all seem so brave and every morning I don't want to wake up. All my family has verbally abused me and walked. My mum has begged me to continue to be her carer til she dies. This won't be much longer because she should still be in hospital and has refused.

So while I take myself to medical appointments, I also have to take her. I come from a poor toxic family, so it's not like I'm sticking around for money when she passes.

I continually ring Lifeline every day as I try to fight my anxiety/depression and thoughts of suicide. Homelessness still weighs heavily on me and I'm constantly scared. I have no one. I wish I had at least one friend or family member who would help with my mum, the cremation and settling all of her other details after her death.

I can't do this by myself and just want to tap out because the grief and fear is just too much to deal with alone.

Rowen13

Thanks, I'm ringing up Centrelink tomorrow to organise a face to face appointment with a social worker.

My mum left the hospital against the doctors advice and I am basically running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I'm trying to get things organised but feel overwhelmed. I've been advised to keep bring myself back to the present to calm down. Easier said then done, I have lost 7 kilos in a month and only sleep in one hour time frames.

I've lost all hope because whilst they may switch me to jobseeker after my mum passes, I still cannot afford rent, my car loan, utilities etc.

I still dream of just tapping out and being premenopausal is just the icing on the cake. I keep racking my brain how to survive financially but I am also emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I really just want to tap out, I can't see my quality of life improving. I cry for a hour each day and I'm just done.

Eagle Ray

Dear Rowen13 and wave to Mrd74 and tranzcrybe,

I think organising a meeting with a social worker through Centrelink is a really good idea. At the moment I know your mind is racing trying to solve everything but see if you can slow down, breathe and come back to the present.

I went through a similar situation with my mum as her sole carer and was caring for dad too before that. I know it is completely crazy and exhausting and my mother could also attack me and give me a hard time when I was the one supporting her. I think reach out to whatever supports you can. I know it feels utterly overwhelming at present but you can get through.

When your mum passes there are a few resources that may help. I’m in WA but there should be equivalents in other states. Here there is the Bereavement Assistance Program which provides some financial support with funerals. In your case, if there is just the cremation, I’m assuming they can help with that also. I don’t know if your mum has a will and if you are executor, but if she does there is the Citizen’s Advice Bureau here that provide free legal advice, info packs etc on how to do probate (first step in management of the estate) and other info. I know you mentioned that there isn’t much to inherit, but the info they provide can still help with all the things you will be doing, such as closing your mum’s bank account, handling superannuation if there is any etc.

As far as rental costs go, you will be eligible for rent assistance if you’re not receiving it already. I don’t know the size of your place, but if it’s say a two bedroom unit is there the possibility of downsizing to a one bedroom place? There is something called the National Rental Affordability Scheme where investors have been encouraged to rent out places at below market value. You can look up these places for each state and see if there’s something there in a range you can afford.

As far as being moved to jobseeker, once you come off the carer’s payment I would get an application done for a medical exemption with your GP. This can be done for up to 3 months and will give you a break from jobseeker obligations. I would also go with a Disability Employment Service provider rather than a regular employment agency. They are able to operate with less stringent requirements and are more flexible around mental and physical health issues. I think the fact you currently have a case manager because of spiralling with your mental health would mean you would qualify.

What happened to me was my mental and physical health both really crashed after my mother’s death. I’d just been diagnosed with a progressive autoimmune disease and was later diagnosed with C-PTSD which goes right back to childhood trauma. After trying to go back to work, doing work training etc my health just kept collapsing and I ended up on the Disability Support Pension. That is something you can consider as well. It pays a bit more than jobseeker.

Just keep reaching out for support. As well as Lifeline I can recommend the Suicide Callback Service who I found incredibly helpful when I was at my worst, especially in terms of grounding me and stabilising me. They seem especially trained for when you are in crisis mode, so just reach out and talk with someone whenever you need to. Given your childhood trauma, The Blue Knot Foundation may also be helpful including dealing with the dynamics with your mother. I’ve found them great for complex trauma issues.

Think I’m going to run over word count. Take care and thinking of you,

Eagle Ray

tranzcrybe

Your GP should be able to advise you on Home Care packages (also dependent on an ACAT assessment) which, once approved, can provide funds for support workers (but not for you) and other services for your mother which should ease some of your burden at least.

But if she is not long for this world, I would recommend getting a GP referral to a Community Palliative Care team as they can also provide in home assistance (medical and therapeutic) or, in some instances, accommodation in their facility wards.

They also offer support for the carer (you) with grief counseling and emergency assistance with a 24/7 contact number.
I found this particularly reassuring in my father's final stages of life as they were a wealth of information and compassionate support throughout (and even after when dealing with grief and loss).

Although unpleasant for you, getting mother's affairs in order is important to do in her living years - that is, if you have the authority to do so...
If not already appointed, she needs a Power of Attorney to authorise her medical and financial decisions when she can no longer do so for herself.

This could be you or anyone she so determines and is a relatively simple document which can be witnessed by a chemist.

Obviously, it carries significant responsibilities for the appointee (such as record keeping) but it allows them to make important decisions on their behalf.

Equally, a Will should be in place to ensure mother's estate is handled according to her wishes (including how/where she wishes to be buried, distribution/disposal of belongings) otherwise she will die Intestate which can make things more complicated for you.

An Executor (one or more) can be appointed to manage the terms of the Will, arranging death certificate/notice, funeral services, settling debts from the estate, and the like, and being reimbursed for expenses reasonably incurred.

'Small' estates (I think under $300,000) do not require Probate which can make things easier to finalise.

This is often a difficult conversation to have with parents, but it affords you some certainty and protection if you are authorised to make such decisions.
Either way, it is right and proper to bring family together to discuss all this for the sake of transparency.

After all, and despite how you have been raised/treated, she is still your mother and sometimes we need to put our past (and present!) behind us to realise the greater good in providing support.

It is essentially to your credit and fortitude that you persevere - and such memories of your selfless gestures under great duress can sustain you and help reclaim your strength wherever your future takes you.

With time on your hands, a world will open up to you with new hope and opportunity.

Embrace this vision without fear as you seem to be suffering a sort of Stockholm Syndrome for the conditions under which you have become accustomed.

Things will change, and with change inevitably comes uncertainty and apprehension.

Eagle Ray

Hi again Rowen13,

Having just read tranzcrybe's response I realise probate may not be relevant for you (depending on the estate value), so please ignore that if not relevant. Our mum had a house which meant my brother and I had to do it.

For now, just focus on one step at a time and don't try to solve everything at once. Just focus on the most immediate need and include yourself in that too. It's like the common saying about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. Sending you a big hug and take care.