Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Yes correct the bad week happened and I’ve been hiding out. No help from the doctor because there’s no help for my foot. No surgery or treatment just I need to reduce impact and let it rest. Compression bandage and moon boot back on crutches ice and elevation I’ve been taking steroids and anti inflammatory drugs but they made me sick so just ice rest and bandages.
Psych dr was rough too. I’m doing trauma therapy and it’s been hard to deal with. The worst was realisation that even my happy memories that gave me positive feelings were covered by overwhelming sadness and loneliness. It made me remember the paralysing fear of my childhood and I doubted everything and everyone around me. I gave my husband a hard time and I was tempted to pack a bag and run. I didn’t and thought of 5 happy things each night but the realisation of my isolation as a child was a shock. I had major triumphs and successes in my childhood that made me very happy but it was never acknowledged or supported by my family. I was always alone me against the world and struggling to survive my family. Really it’s very sad. I’m only just beginning treatment so early days and I do feel better now but I was home alone last week working and a huge metal sounding crashing sound happened and me and the dog jumped and I instantly panicked. I thought someone was ramming the front gate. The sound stopped and I realised I’d ran out of the room I was in and left my phone. I completely forgot my safety plan. I looked at cameras and couldn’t see anything or hear anything and no more sound. I was shaking so bad and terrified. I forgot about my safe room and didn’t follow my safety plan. I ended up going to front and looking out but saw nothing. Must have been a truck or something but no actual danger just a very loud noise. In my mind it was oh my @#$ it’s happening do I call 000. I’m glad I didn’t what a disaster. What my therapy and my fear is showing me is how bad these people are that I had the misfortune to have around me. I’m disgusted by my son that he hurt me so bad and I had rationalised it that he was not well but he actually said I’m going to teach you real fear. No accident just hatred. I’m feeling less guilty now and more disgusted. Psychologist wants me to join the world and maybe a boxing class and I’m really resistant I say yes sure ok but I’m scared. I tried joining a gym last year and I broke my foot but I never felt like I belong there.

I hope you have been well.
MC

[Croix]

Dear MC~

It's good to hear from you again.

A real pity your foot makes life so limiting, I've been to hydrotherapy and am sure for a great many people it is a help. I've gone a few times more recently but needed someone yo assist me -it worked out OK though.

One of the troubles with having limited physical ability is it gives one to much time to think, and naturally with matter spilling over from the past that's not pleasant. Your being very sensible in lookng at something you can do, I hope you find a cheap machine and can get started soon.

I'm not really surprised you did not head either for you safety plan or safe room, there are very good in a lot of situations, but don't realy cover instinctive reactions, you have to realise you need them - or practice a lot. I think actually you did what most people would have done, be shocked but go look to see what was actually happening.

I used to be very affected by loud noises, plus a ton of other things, including finding something in the house I could not account for. The trouble was I was then very absent-minded, often operating on 'autopilot' and would place something on the table or bed, then forget I'd done so and was therefor worried if someone else had done it. I'm better now thank goodness.

The things you can look back on that were good are still real, even if the people round you were toxic and you had to shut yourself off. Now at least you can choose mostly who you interact with.

I'm sorry your husband was badly treated, and also that he has no support from others. Is there anyone he can go to? Support, as you know, can assist a lot.

It was rather brave to reach out ot him and risk rejection and I'm very glad he responded by trying to give you more of what you need. Even if not 100% it is an excellent thing. If it was me I'd find it a comfort.

Your son sounds absolutely beastly, I hope your paths do not cross again.

I guess boxing classes may be something to consider in the future if it makes you feel more secure. It may also give you something you need to concentrate on that is unfamiliar, not a bad thing.

Incidentally I have had good friends from whom I've kept secrets -it can work well.

Ta for the unicorns, I' ll put them with mmMekitty's worms and DB's penguins, I guess I'll need a larger domicile soon - sigh

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Dear MC,

That injury has been so difficult. While walking is so difficult, have you been shown exercises you can do while sitting or lying down? Until I am sure of what is happening in my right arm, I'm doing many of the litle repetitive exercises lying down. That seems to make them easier. Not all, though.

I really think if I can get into water, exercises or just swimming around, that would be easier on me. My problem is doing where there are lots of people. I keep thinking about it, something I want to do, but also feel very uncomfortable about. I'd feel like that going to a gym, too, even though I also would like to have someone help me do these exercises & to build a little muscle.

I want to feel physically strong, & doing that, I think I will find some confidence to think I can look after myself.

*

I wonder, do you think you could rehearse your safety plan?

*

I've been trying to writ something here since this morning, & sorry, I'm too tired. There's so much in your posts to Croix & me, I'm just finding it too difficult to put my thoughts into order. Croix has said some things I wanted to say.

I'm glad you are doing everything you can to care for yourself. I like the sound of you learning about your patterns of behaviour, & different ways to view what happens & what your thinking patterns are, too. Maybe you do have to take a mental step sideways to look at these things, so you won't immediately internalise the thoughts & feelings you've had. Is that the idea?

It's like when I feel I have been rejected when something I've asked for is refused. Wait a minute,, I tell myself, is it ME they are rejecting or simply telling me they can't grant my request? Can I ask them "why?"

🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄(from Grandy's farm, so you know they are genle), & ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️from me, with cuddles for your old dog.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Well I have done nothing about nothing since last post. Good intentions but my avoidance of facing my fears has won the battle. As I work full time I can really let the weeks roll by and do nothing but work and survive.
I think about my panic reaction often and it really showed me how deeply affected I am still. I’m struggling with work relationships too I am avoiding contact with colleagues and just do my work and ignore people that are self serving and annoying. I used to interact and treat everyone the same. Not so much now I’m fed up with the world I have my bubble and I only care about those that are what I consider trust worthy. Someone tried to bully me recently to do more work that they should have done and I refused and when they pushed I reported them. I have decided that I don’t need people to like me and nothing I do can make people like me. I often feel I’m not liked anyway. I have a lot of work to do on that to build some self worth.
I have a early start gotta get my game face on. Hope you have a great day.
I will reply to mmMekitty at coffee break

❤️❤️❤️ MC

[mmMekitty]

Good morning, MC

😸Certainly, you don't have to put up with bullying. I think your response was exactly what is best. If people resent you for standing up to them, that's their problem. All you need to do is say you have your own work to do. & if they persist, do as you did & report them. That sounds fine to me.

It would be wonderful if all workplaces were places where everyone was jolly mates, but the reality is people with all sorts of differences come together. So many personalities & motives. You can't please everyone all the time, & if you try, where does that leave you?

I hope you find a couple people, to have friendly chats with during breaks. That would help make your work day more pleasant.

I imagine, if I had a full-time job, I'd be tempted to submerge myself in that for those hours, giving myself a break , probably a better break than a restless night's sleep, & keeping a distance from co--workers would help to facilitate that.

In terms of how I would feel about myself, doing that would not help. In the long run, I'd feel isolated & as if I didn't belong. That's why I think having a couple workmate friends, (they don't have to become anything more - but you never know!), would be a good idea.

With all you've been going through, all the time you are taking to care for yourself, working towards a mentally & physically healthier you, maybe the way you are withdrawing into yourself more at work is a way to slow down a little, & not being personally involved with co-workers allows this area of your life to be not so complicated?

& you are certainly sorting out who & what is most important in your life, & you would rather have energy to spend there. That makes sense to me - there's lots of people & things I don't need to have taking my time & attention.

Warm thoughts, & ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ to you, always,

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC~

I guess mmMekitty has said it all, however I'll just chime in to.

I think it is very easy to regard yourself with disfavour when you have 'done nothing about nothing'. OK if you did not have the burden of the past that might have a small grain of truth, however as things stand you need to give yourself a break and not judge.

The very real mental injuries from the past have a huge influence (as you were recently reminded) and it comes out in all sorts of ways including not doing things

I’m impressed with two things about your work (apart from the fact you keep on plugging away and going that is), the first is you have established a safe bubble with only worthy people in it. The result is you know where you are and to that extent have less stress.

The other of course is taking a firm hand with that bully. I respect you for it, you should respect you too. I would suspect others will respect you as well - and like you for it.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

id like to say I’m working out who and what etc but truthfully I’m treading water. I feel as if I’m going down but paddling like crazy.
I have my surviving family that needs me. I have responsibilities etc. I’m in my room with my best friend my fur baby I love my big small dog he’s the best.
Today was rough people that didn’t care for me need me and I’m all in protecting them but I’m upset. I told my hubby to stay away and to go away. The people that need me didn’t care for me so how can I trust anyone. How do I know if I made more mistakes and everyone in my life is selfish and horrible. Geez I just think I’d be better on my own. Away from polite society. My mountains seem too high. I did call the cavalry and my baby brother is coming to save the day to help with the person that needs help that never helped me.

I have been discussing with psychologist things that probably are major body disassociate things that used to happen. Times when I was not able to move or speak and times when the world seemed a different size to my body. These feelings were regular as a child and young person and I blocked them out and fought it without actually dealing with it.
id love a island to escape to and be peaceful it maybe why I long for a magic wand.
I used to be sociable and bubbly but I think that was a act. I learnt to act and pretend.

Yes I’m not going to be bullied at work or anywhere.
I saw a lovely act of compassion today and I heard great stories about love and sacrifice. There’s beauty out there just not everywhere sadly.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Sometimes it seems such a great & horrible fact that we were once so young, without the knowledge, not the resources nor the skills to deal with intolerable acts upon us. I did no more than detach similarly to you. I know why I did, I sort of knew what I was doing at the time, too - I was trying to not have to endure the full impact of what was happening. I was protecting myself as best I could. Sure, it was inadequate, but it was what I had found to use at the time. I thought, with my child's brain, of this thing I could do. Later, I thought a couple other things... & yes, on my own, because I could not trust anyone enough - not even the person I thought of as my best friend, to be able to help me. (& she had her own problems to deal with in her own family - which seemed bigger than mine, too, by the way).

I can now, not blame myself or think I was weak & powerless, not thinking that anymore. I did do something. I am here now, because I've not stopped. Nearly, true, but, no... I kepp going, if only because I won't let those people take my life from me. I felt like they were, & I refuse to let them still be here , now, trying still to destroy me. NO!! This is me, MY life. My mind. My body.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ to you too!

Can you come out for a cuppa? I love the warmth of the cup in my paws, & the steam in my face, & the sweet aroma of the hot milk.😺

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

I can come out for a cuppa and my fur friend would like me to give him a rest. He wants to lie on his big bed in the other room but can’t till I’m entertained and calm ☕️☕️🥛🥛🧁🧁🧁

psych dr said that it protects young brains from reality but was a little concerned im still doing a version of it now by withdrawing and pushing people away. I’m supposed to be getting out and join a fun activity where I can meet people but I’m scared I won’t be accepted and they won’t like me and I’ll feel lonely in the group. I’m going out but I go alone get a coffee and food buy something for dinner and come home. I should start an instagram account and post pictures of me out with friends. 😂 me with a cuppa and an empty chair.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Some hearts for the bank 😍

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC 😺 Glad to see you out here with extra milk 🥛& 🧁cupcakes!

I felt so nervous when I had first joined - well, first it was a writing workshop - the writers' group I became a member of, back in 2006. I was thinking, they won't like me, I on't be able to feel comfortable with these people, like I won't belong, they won't like what I want to write, or my reading & (as per voices from the past) I'll be clumsy & embarrassing, unless & stupid... all of it came back before I went to the first meeting, even though at the workshop I mest some of the people who would be there, & who, like me, continued to be members for 15 yrs. (until COVID).

I was uncomfortable, I felt I barely managed to complete the friendly warm-up/get to know you exercises our facilitator had given us. We soon realised, it was the same for all of us! Then we had some funny bits of writing & sharing.

It had taken me some time to feel more at ease, & I took more risks with what I wrote & said. & it was okay, too.

If I had not given it a go, I would never know, that it could be a very good thing to have that place & time with those people, coming together, with a certain purpose (which I found very helpful. I didn't want a group where there was no structure.)

I felt my confidence grow as well, as time went by, & I kept at it, & wrote things I really liked myself. & I've had my writing praised & have made them laugh, sometimes, in a good way, I mean, & I've startled them, too. & even that was okay. I was encouraged to write in any direction I wanted to take it. I did appreciate that support. & when I told them that Mekitty had died, the members were supportive of me through some of my grief. We were there for each other, whenever there was a personal crisis or illness, or anything. So we became more than people who met, wrote & talked about the writing together.

I hope you find a group to meet with, doing something you all like.

&, sure, go out alone, have coffee alone, & go home alone, too - I did that, too! (To a previous PDr) I'd said you can insist all you like about relationships, but I can still go out alone & not talk to anyone, beyond ordering my lunch. & that is precisely true, so long as I let it be so. It's up to me, if I make a decision to act & even turn to someone next to me, & say 'hello'.

Thank you for lots of hearts! I can refill all my pillows with them!😺

mmMekitty