Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

The silence has given me time to breathe and find me again. It’s just me recognising I have the space to be thoughtful and quiet and take time to enjoy life. I still get gripped by fear because letting my guard down has not gone well for me at times. I sometimes think I’m fooling myself I’m just temporarily safe. Which could be true and there’s nothing I can do about that. I did everything and am doing everything I can.
I had bad news about my injury and while bones have healed the ligaments and tendons have not and I don’t think anyone knew about it till I asked for more scans. I’m reeling from that and quite angry. I’m back wearing splints and stuck in a chair and not really mobile again. I’m not getting answers and my gp has taken over my treatment. I’m on some pills for stomach so I can take the pills for inflammation and back see him in 10days. I asked for surgery but he said not an option. I have cried and got upset but no use doing that. I’m on a holding pattern while GP tries to get me up and walking. He said another platelet rich plasma injection and cortisone is best option but that’s so expensive. I was so upset I’m not sure if it’s rest or exercise I should be doing. I’m disturbed that I have tears that I have been putting under stress while doing physio. It’s made me feel vulnerable and unsafe again.
I have been a right pain at home too. I was gardening and enjoying myself now I can’t so I’m a misery. I’m not sure if I should be using crutches to get around so I have 20 questions when I see gp. I’m wearing splints and compression bandages and icing again. The flowers I planted are in full bloom so I can enjoy looking at them. I did for a little while go to my dark place and want to give up but shook it off. It’s there but I’m keeping my mind busy.

MC

[mmMekitty]

What a **** pain! So frustrating & confusing when you just don't know what to do, & when you think you've followed advice, from people who are supposed to know, but now wonder if it was the right action after all.

All I can think is to write down all your questions, ask about those options offered, potential side effects, how likely the intervention will be effective, all of it. Make a long appointment with your GP, so there is more time available, too.

Yes, you are learning to respond with some diversion, quiet times, being sure to enjoy what you can, & so can respond with these tools when the dark place looms. You can see it & ward it off. 😺

Here as always,❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️with some 'healthy' mmMarshmallows.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC~

I guess I'd have to say mmMekitty has said just about all of it in her post above. It is a right pain, and an unexpected and potentially expensive setback.

I'm sure in time it will sort out, though in the meantime your coping skills are needed. Actually I get the impression that while you might feel down you are also climbing out quicker, I do hope I've not misunderstood. Keeping the mind busy is something I've used myself, it helps a lot at times.

I am a little worried about the crutches, is there anyone you can phone or contact to see if their use is advisable? It's true they are ungainly and hampering but if their use were to help you heal quicker it might be worth it.

If you don't mind me asking what is making you feel unsafe and vulnerable with the physio. Is too much being demanded too quickly?

I have to admit I do not push myself too hard with physio exercises, it is a permanent feature and often it is a battle just to get up and do it at all. Still it does pay dividends for me, less pain, more agility.

Anything amusing or enjoyable you can think of?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

A right pain it is and really frustrating. I’m a quiet lump with no motivation.

I haven’t been using my weights and feel defeated. Not very wordy and I want to go on sick leave and stay in bed. How are you going with recovery are you being more diligent than me with your exercises.

All the best MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Without direction I don’t know what to do so I contacted specialist office sent the scans and waited for response the annoying response was if I’m worse come in. I’m not worse I’m the same and I told receptionist and I will see dr next week because I’m still in pain and not mobile. So annoying she was very obvious and kept repeating if your worse so I kept repeating still the same can’t walk and in pain.
So I will see uninterested expensive dr next week and take up some time explaining how painful it is and how I had to do investigation myself to find untreated damage. Psychologist the day before so maybe he can help me phrase my frustration.
Specialist says do physio but was that with the knowledge of the tendon damage I don’t know. Or is it that the patient doesn’t need to know. So I’m following RICE rest ice compression and elevate.
Grandkids are coming on weekend so I will be distracted and happy. Going for a all you can eat buffet and then ice skating and we can sit on sidelines with full bellies and laugh. Then some Nintendo and PlayStation games with my feet up.

Can’t believe it’s nearly Easter.
😃 MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

You can always give your arms a bit of a workout while lying in bed. I've been doing that while stretching my armpits. holding the little dumbbells up over my chest, arms stretched, then bringing my arms slowly down ober my head, (provided I've remembered to leave enough room so I do't hit the wall), & hold, this postition being where I am stretching the armpits, then moving them back, holding again, then slowly lowering my arms to my sides. I try to hold them outstretched away from my sides, but the nuisence pain in my upper right arm won't let me stretch in that direction. The physio is right when she said it would be easier doing the stretches while lying down. I've just incorporated the weights myself, combining the weight exercises she showed me, to strengthen my arms & wrists.

It's so ******* slow! I'm not noticing any change to the swelling I've been told is lymph fluid on my chest, since trying to do that massage technique. & not much difference using the moisturising cream along the front of my chest, rubbing in little circles along the scar... oh, that feels so odd it's uncomfortable to do! Things are definitately not itchy or as sore or painful as at the start. Some areas are still tender, & my left armpit still does not register tempter or 95% feeling - I do feel some sense of pressure, but nothing else there, until I give it all the stretch I do when exercising. then along those corded tendons, It hurts a little. But you could come along a tug all my little hairs out &I wouldn't feel that!

It does encourage me to think that if you are doing what you have been able to do, since you began to use the weights, then surely I can do what I've been asked to do. I know, that thought I have, does not mean you will be in any way to blame if I don't do my own exercises - because I'm not so good at doing things for myself, even when I know how much good t;hey will do me... it's my responsibility, so long as I am also being responsible for my own health, physical & mental. I'm just thinking of us as a team, or competitors, if that's what it will take for me to get up & do my exercises.

& the long-term: I'd really like some muscles!

It would go a long way towards me feeling strong enough to defend myself, as I once felt I could, but haven't for many years. The sense of being weat is reeeally baaad!

☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️☮️❤️

mmMekitty🙀nananap!💤

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Yes I totally agree that the feeling of being unable to defend myself has been a big thing for me too. I spent a lot of energy learning how to defend myself and building muscles and strength. Knowing that I could get out of most situations gave me courage. It was my secret super power now I need to be careful on uneven ground. Lol There’s a lot of supporting research on the effects of self defence classes and Ptsd

I’m super uninterested in doing what I need to do. I’m not knitting and not working properly I’ve backslid to blah can’t be bothered. I’m a downer and having a tantrum. Pain is getting me down. I wonder if my mood is being affected by the new drugs. I’m taking a pill for my stomach so I can take a pill for my inflammation and now I’m finding it hard to stay on my diet.
I’ve been googling sewing machines and other stuff like it’s something I need. I need to pay medical bills but I’d rather get stuff I can’t afford. As I said I’m a bit of a brat.

sounds like you are staying true to the course exercises and massages. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. I have nothing compared to what you are dealing with and you are triumphant a little bit each day. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Good night and I hope everyone sleeps well.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

It sound as if you are having a bit of a rebellion against being an adult. It's bleeping hard to be an adult all the time, & you've been adult about so much - since I first read a post of yours, when was that? Sorry, memory won't supply that info. It's been months, & you barely get a break. & to realise those ligaments & tendons are not healing & you were the one to have to ask for more scans... it's alright fo feel as you do, & a great idea to find ways of expressing how you feel with your Psychologist.

I hope the weekend proves to be a break, fun & relaxing, but I suspect you'll over-do it... not much use advising you not to, is there?

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️oo, I think my hearts are overflowing! Here, gather some up for you, hubby, grandkids, whoever else you see could use some, even Croix!...but keep some extras for yourself, to use when you can't sleep.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC~

This is the week coming up (if I can count correctly on flippers:) you see your psych and your 'uninterested doctor'. I'm wishing you well and that you get your questions about exercise, pain and all sorted you.

Have you been having fun with the grandkids?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I’ve been MIA missing in action 😂 I am as you identify sick of being a grown up. I’m tired. I have been told to rest my foot and I have learnt how to apply strapping to my foot to mimic strong tendons and to stop injured tendons from slipping so I don’t cause more injury. I’m using 1 crutch to reduce impact injuries from walking. It’s consumed me.
I’ve also started treatment for CPTSD and that’s a bit yuck. I nearly blew up my life but I controlled myself and it’s getting to be a pattern. I feel bad learn how to understand it and then I do more deep diving into my thinking and feeling and get used to that and learn how to think and feel it without internalizing it into self hatred and panic. Psychologist said that what I’ve experienced is extreme and I have a strong feeling and belief that I’m unworthy. I’m also finding that I feel detached from life. I know I am living but I’m not participating fully in it. I’ve had some talks with my husband some not so pleasant and it’s been terrifying. I’m saying what I need from him I came from a neglectful abusive environment and he is not very loving to me. He’s lovely nice and supportive but does not show his love. He’s responding by being more affectionate and talking to me more. Luckily because there was in my mind the chance he could reject my needs. Then I would have to recognise it and remove myself from the situation. So very scary. I’m not a saint and he’s very angry with me for trying to check out of life. He got treated badly by ambulance and hospital he said he was treated like a perpetrator. He had the heartache of everything and no support. Poor guy. He’s like my carer and gets no help. I feel very guilty and I can’t believe I felt so hopeless.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ heaps of hearts for you I hope you have a wonderful long weekend.
all the best MC