Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

 I am sorry for confusing both of us. I did actually refer to your hard work (not mine) because I am hoping that you will soon feel better. What hard work can you put in to find your equilibrium?

Again I am sorry for this misunderstanding, writing can be so difficult. Unfortunately the beginning of my post has not uploaded yet - it seems the long posts take longer and I wanted to tell you all so much that one post was too short.

 Take care Mary x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Thank goodness that is cleared up.  I was horrified that I had offended you.

Your other post has not appeared so I guess it is lost in the wilderness of cyberspace.

The hard work I need to do is sort through my feelings and reactions and work out what is real and reasonable. I have a dreadful habit of seizing on one part of a conversation and ignoring the rest which makes for a lot of miscommunication.  Also I know I am reluctant to go into the past about my husband and I have been warding this off as much as possible. At the same time I have hurried through the times with the DV psych so that when our sessions come to an end I can say there was obviously no need as nothing has changed. Ah self-delusion! Where would we be without it? Probably better off.

I went to my grandson's 10th birthday family BBQ during the week. And of course my ex was there. It really bothered me and I was more annoyed because when we have met at these gatherings I have not been particularly bothered. So it seems I really have some work to do.

Went to a meditation day yesterday, Sat. It was lovely to catch up with my meditation friends, meditate together, share a meal and listen to an inspiring speaker. I came home much refreshed. It demonstrated to me once again the value of friendships and activities that focus on non-mental health topics. I think it's good to talk about mental health but we need to be aware that our thinking can be concentrated in one area and become dark and inward looking. Being involved elsewhere gives a different perspective and can balance our often gloomy outlook.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

my post eventually appeared 🙂

I hope you have the strength to work through your feelings and thoughts. It must be very tough for you to deal with your past and then to meet with your husband. Unfortunately there is no magic pill or button we can press to deal with our past - that is what I have been told. It disturbs me how we can feel annoyed about our own feelings. I was so angry with myself on the weekend for being upset about something insignificant, but my thoughts went round and round until I was a mess. Have you shared your struggles with your loved ones? I think I am missing that component - to honestly tell someone the extend of what I am experiencing - I have told my husband very little and only about depression as I do not understand the other parts and do not know how to explain.

I am glad you enjoy your meditation. I also went to a meditation class, there is always a talk and then a meditation. I cannot concentrate much on the talk, but I just like to sit there, surrounded by peace. Then I meditate a bit and when I get uncomfortable I think about something else. But I do feel more grounded when I finish my own interpretation of meditation. I will get better with time. Sometimes I just want to move there for a while and lie in the grass looking at the sky for a few months.

I agree with finding outside activities. I spend so much time within my own little dark world, it is good to focus on normality. There are so many beautiful things around us, we just need to open our eyes. I have always been such a positive person and I am trying to find that person again. I have started a gratitute journal where I take photos and try to write down 3 things that brigthened up my day - it is not really difficult to find 3 things when I open my eyes. I have always believed that I treasure life more because of my past and live in less fear of external labelling- but that has changed some time ago.

Hope you have a lovely day, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

When my meditation group meet we start with a piece of music to set the scene so to speak. Then we have a talk. These are sent on CDs and I have quite a collection. Some I bought but others were sent to me as facilitator of a meditation group. This group has now disbanded but I am still a member of the group I started with.

After the talk we meditate then have a reading. If anyone has a comment to make about the talk or reading we chat for short while. It's good to talk about the things we notice.

It is easy to allow your mind to slip away to another topic when meditating and the hardest to forgive ourselves. In reality our control over our thoughts is limited so we need to not beat ourselves up in meditation. Better concentration comes with practice but it's not a guarantee every time.

Yes, it is hard to try and deal with my memories while seeing the person in front of me. I have not told my children much about my time with him. They grew up with a different perspective and of course many things were not public. It's too difficult to explain so I say nothing. I think this why I rely so heavily on the psych and that is a problem in itself. On Saturday it is my son-in-law's birthday and the family is going out to dinner. I really want to be there but dread being in ex's company.

I did tell my second daughter this and she said I should sit at the other end of the table.  Good idea, but what if he sits in the middle. There will not be a huge number there. But this is something I need to cope with so I expect I will go and and cope somehow.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I hope all is well with you. You have not posted for a few days and I wonder if there is anything amiss.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I am ok, thank you for asking. How are you? I hope you are well and I hope your son-in-laws birthday dinner tonight is going well. It feels so unfair that we should be suffering, when other people have caused the pain, but I understand that you are trying to keep your children out of this. I hope you manage to enjoy time with the rest of the family!

I had some good and bad days last week and I often feel drained. I think I have made a little progress with the psychologist - I have opened up a little and I am starting to feel a little more safe. I am considering medication again. I am still confused with the feelings and the mood swings I am getting and I am dreaming A LOT. I also discussed the sadness, memories and physical sensations I get during meditation with my psych and she advised me to stop for now. I will just do short exercises. I think people are starting to notice that I am not looking well, I have had several comments over the last week.

I have realised that I need to get some support around me and I have let my husband in, just a tiny little more and mentioned a tiny little bit to a friend of mine. I still find this incredibly difficult.

I am trying to get into a routine with more running again, which does give me a boost for the day and I am trying to be kind to myself and celebrate little successes - like getting out of bed. I have also started a gratitude journal which does make me smile. Every little bit helps!

It all sounds a little gloomy, but I actually did have a couple of good days as well - I am just tired today

Hope you have a lovely weekend, Yggy xo

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Great to hear from you. Yes, the dinner was great. My granddaughter was so excited to celebrate dad's birthday and meet up with her cousins she couldn't keep still.

A brief comment about meditation. One of the effects of meditation is that past events and feelings do come up to be dealt with. They will go away again if ignored but do tend to return later as you continue with meditation. But as you continue meditating you become stronger inside. The practice helps you to become more resilient, more grounded and able to deal with these things when they come up. It may not be the first, second or third time, but eventually you will find the strength to look at the past and manage. Not sure if you think this good or bad. Stopping and starting mediation hinders this process but it depends on how much you can manage.

I am so pleased you are begining to relax a little with the psych. A good psych will give you that time and not push you too hard until you feel safe.

How did your conversation go with your husband? Was he surprised at your small revelation and is he prepared to hear more? Make a friend of your GP if possible. They can be so incredibly helpful.

Celebrating your successes is good. It may not seem like much to others but for you it is a mountain. One benefit of talking to others you may not have considered is that you will probably be less tired. It takes a huge amount of energy to keep your mask in place, energy that is better used to get well.

Good to hear from you.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

 how has your week been so far? And did you have a nice Sunday?

Thank you for your comments on meditation. I am trying to do a couple of 2min breathing exercises and I have a nice eating meditation where I focus on chocolate and I also enjoy a walking meditation or a muscle relaxation when I fall asleep. I cannot deal with longer meditations where I drift off - they scare me.

 I'm sometimes not sure if I am more relaxed with the psych and the GP or just too exhausted to fight. I put a brave face on most time and it is wearing me down. I've told my husband that I am feeling a little low and he knows I have been to the GP but that's about it. My friend knows about as much. I have always been good in cutting conversations about my feelings short. 

Today I wanted to start running again - and then it was raining. But I try.

I am still not sure what to discuss with my GP, I cry all the time, whether I am at the GP or psych, and I remember so little when I see them. Often I don't understand what they are saying, not because it is medical terms or so, but I just struggle to focus.

 I guess it has to be worse before it gets better?

 But one thing I know from the bottom of my heart is that I will get through this and come out stronger, I have always made it through. I saw something on the internet: you survived the abuse, you will survive the recovery!

 Take care xo

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

You have just started to see the psych so give it time to become more comfortable. A suggestion I have given before is to write down what you want to talk about. As you go through your day and remember something or an incident takes place, write down, if only a couple of prompt words. Write it more fully before you go to the psych. That way you have something to talk about, and talking makes it easier to talk. I hope that makes sense.

I often leave the psych and find by the time I get home I have forgotten half of the stuff we discussed. So now I take notes. Not extensive, just prompts again. Tell the psych you are having trouble remembering. I expect he/she, sorry can't remember which, will tell you this is quite common. It seems to me that my brain still has a few dead ends and if information gets channeled down those paths it gets lost. Sometimes it comes back but I really need to concentrate and walk myself through the session again.

The other problem is not forgetting but not remembering properly. I suspect I put my own interpretation on the words and lose what the psych has said. There's a lot to be said for repeating something so that it stays in our memory. I think part of this is the focus, or rather the lack of focus. I have found myself just looking blankly at the psych with no idea of what he has just said. Ask him to repeat it and say it went over your head. Again a common occurrence.

I love your quote. And it's quite true, the recovery can be harder than the original problem. I've lost count of the number of times I've given up, had a temper tantrum, vowed not to return to the psych, demanded a solution. All very embarrassing in retrospect but par for the course. Give yourself permission to stop briefly, catch your breathe, have a day off before you get back on the road. It pays dividends in the long run.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Mary, Geoff and Neil!

 How are you all?

 I'm ok, I draw strength from the fact that I made it through a whole one hour session with my GP without crying, I only had little trickles - thank you for all the tipps Mary. A few days ago or so, I cannot remember when and why, I decided that I can make it through this and I am feeling okay that I cannot remember why, but I still feel this way. It sounds confused, and I am confused a lot, but that is okay as well. I talked to my GP about all my confusion, memory problems, my lack of motivation, my lack of caring and feeling, the loss of time and the cycle of my mood swings yesterday. He assured me that this is normal and we did discuss the reasons and effects of medication again and also chatted about all the side effects I am worried about and I believe we covered some ground. I am not taking any medication yet, but I am growing closer to the idea.

Every day I am trying to cross some boxes now, like getting outside, sending a text to a friend, doing a couple of breathing exercises, looking after myself ... and it is getting easier on some days. Hopefully I can keep this spirit up, that everything is ok, it is ok not to feel happy when I do something happy, and do it anyway.

So I hope you are all doing ok as well and I hope that you will all have a nice day, Yggy x