Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

thank you so much for being there for me. It means so much to have someone who can understand. I hope one day I can give as much as I receive at the moment. I only want to write briefly about words that stay with me. I feel a little better and am resting.

Mary, the quote from Patrick Overton will stay with me. I want to learn how to trust and how to have faith.

In my teenage years, my quote was:

"My path is long, steep and strenous, but I will follow my path"

In my twenties and into my thirties it changed to:

"When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

I am trying to make the next one, mine for my late thirties and fourties:

"Always we hope someone else has the answer,
some other place will be better,
some other time, it will turn out.

This is it.

No one else has the answer,
no other place will be better,
and it has already turned out.

At the center of your being, you have the answer:
you know who you are and you know what you want.

There is no need to run outside for better seeing,
nor to peer from a window.
Rather abide at the center of your being:
for the more you leave it, the less you learn.

Search your heart and see
the way to do is to be."

Powerful messages that have carried me through my life. I have always been a dreamer and a fighter, a lover and a leader, an inspiration to so many people and now I falter and fall in my own misery. I have met a spiritual teacher who told me to nurture my soul and be kind to myself. Once in meditation I saw a 5 year old kid, myself, and I want to take it at my hand and lead it through the darkness and into the light.  I want this kid to remember everything that was awesome and accept the grief, the pain, the hatred, the loss, everything that is eating me up inside for what it is: something that I cannot change.

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

your goal sounds great! How long have you been doing bodybuilding for? Stage-ready means fully defined muscles and the least amount of bodyfat? You must be very disciplined working out and working on your diet!

I wish you all the best for the remainder of your preparation time and hope that you will be at your peak in training come competition time! Do the best you can! Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

I am going to Europe with my husband and visiting family and friends, so it should be something to look forward to and I am when I have a clear head. I am normally a good traveller, but there are memories there as well.

Thank you for the comment on AD. I never thought of it that way. I like the drain cleaner comment. I think I am just worried about having something else to worry about. I am not completely against it, I think I just need to get used to the thought. Can you go off AD again after a while? Is that difficult?

When I am clear, I love doing a guided walking meditation and enjoy experiencing what I normally rush past. This morning was different, and I stomped through nature, glad that it was freezing and could concentrate 10s at a time. I think it still lifted my mood, as just before I got home I actually realised that I was stomping.

I am sorry that your visit with the psych was difficult. I can understand how reluctant you are. I hope your psych finds ways to help you through it. I am also concerned about how my psych will take me back, the glimpse I had some weeks ago left me in a tearful mess.

I hope you are having a fabulous time with your granddaughter! Children are so special and they are always able to rip one out of a dark mood, I hope your granddaughter gives you much pleasure.

Glad you are enjoying your exercise. I personnally try to do something for 6 months and if I don't enjoy it I move on. I have tried a lot, but at the moment enjoy activities that are mostly outside. Not as much as I would like, as I am scared sometimes to be on my own outside.

I agree with you. Fear is a constant companion, and since I started thinking about it, I realised how much I miss in life, simply because I avoid it. And in recent years I have avoided more and more.

Not being able to trust is something my GP talked to me about. I thought it may have something to do with experiences in my teens, but I realised it goes further back. That is what I meant about the layers coming off. I think of one issue and then suddenly I get flashbacks to experiences buried so deeply, that I have not thought of them in a long time.

Thank you for the suggestion of a signal with my husband. We do have one for my grief (my tears) - and he just holds me and soothes me. We do not talk about the grief I carry, he knows it and he griefs with me. I have not told him the extend of what I am going through yet but I have asked him to just hold me.

I hope you have a lovely weekend x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Geoff,

I am still trying to comprehend your words. It seems like long road to recovery. How long have you been on that road? I can understand your concerns with changing psychs. It is such a personal thing and requires so much trust, it is a very difficult choice. Have you talked about the past? Has it helped you? I still don't understand how a psych can take you through the past. I just take it one day at a time now and try not to worry.

I hope you are having a great time with your grandkids and with your friends. Take care, Yggy

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

You sound so much more positive. Great stuff. Yes, you can always stop taking ADs. Not in one hit, but gradually over a couple of weeks, depending on what and how much you are taking. You can get withdrawal symptoms if you wean off them too fast. Always do this under the guidance of your doc as it is a bit more complex than stopping other medication.

My granddaughter has just gone home. She is 12 yo and is in first year of high school. A friend of mine came to finish the repair to a large cracked pot yesterday. Granddaughter had a great time helping. She is such a lovely girl. We cooked tea together and she told me all about her school project. This morning (Sunday) we went to church and afterwards I gave her a hand with her homework.

Yes I am recovering from the session with the psych. I was quite wound up when I arrived and I think I just dumped the whole load on her, which was both a relief and exhausting. Now to find out what to do with it.

When do you leave for your holiday? Are you taking a laptop or similar with you? I was wondering if you intend writing in here while you are away.

Love your poetry. My sister loved the "Don't you quit". Her daughter thought she had written it but I knew I had seen it elsewhere. I think my sister found the poem not long before she died of ovarian cancer. I had been to the UK to see her three months previously and she gave me all her poetry to get published. It was too emotive to do immediately after she died, but a couple of years later I published them. Her daughter was thrilled and all the family was given a copy as well as numerous friends. She had a great talent.

I find all sorts of poetry, songs and quotes inspirational. Some people seem to be able to encapsulate an emotion or situation in a few words that go right to the heart of the matter. Such a gift.

I understand your onion analogy. It does appear that removing one layer exposes another that needs attention. The good news is that the layers are smaller and easier to manage. The later layers are much tougher and larger because they enclose the previous hurts and hold them in. In theory then, we should manage the inner layers more easily. It's a good thought to hang to.

Continue to look after yourself.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Hi Mary & Neil & Geoff,

 I walked-ran the City to Surf in Sydney today - for us 🙂 I am so glad I did it and the last 1.5km were tough, and I thought of you guys and pushed through the pain.

Thanks 🙂

I did not want to talk about my weekend plan, as I was too worried I would pull out. It was great, I had friends with me and I only got emotional after the finish line and then only for a little while.

Yggy xox

[White_Rose]

Whoo-hoo! Congratulations.  Go Girl.

[geoff]

dear Yggy, terrific and really what a great effort, and it's especially great that you thought of us to the finish line.

Let your emotion go there's no need to hide it, emotional people are always lovely to have around. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy

CONGRATULATIONS to you.   Walking/running the C2S is one hell of an awesome achievement.

Wow, that meant a lot to read that you thought of us during it.  That’s very unexpected and I sure hope that being in your mind helped you when times got a little tough (no doubt going up that damn hill!).

I LOVE the feeling you get when you are coming up to the finish in a race – I find that no matter how hard I’ve pushed, I feel like I’m almost running on a cloud, as you near the finish line and there’s people milling around, either already finished or spectators.  Just helps you dig in just that little bit more.

I’ve been catching up on your posts and that’s great to read that you and your husband seem to have things sorted for you for when times are tough, etc.  Excellent that you’re able to set up such a system – I think more of us need something similar.

This will be my 6th year of competing – I had last year off, so prior that that, I did 5 years straight;  and with each week that’s going by now, I’m seeing good changes.  My daughter, huge helper for me, takes my photos on a fortnightly basis, so we can do comparison’s etc.  Oh and come comp day, she’s my chief tan applier as well – she’s become very good at it over the years.  🙂

So yes, come comp day, it’s a matter of trying to have your muscles as full to capacity as can be (a process done through ‘carbing-up’ over the final 2-3 days), and for them to be as hard as you can possibly get them.  That’s created not only through all the workouts done, but also with the drying out phase, where you go from drinking mega litres of water, down to almost bugga all on stage day.  That then helps give you the ripped and dry look – it’s a tough process.  I guess if it wasn’t, then there’d be so many others who would do it.  🙂

You’re heading to Europe – I’ve gotta say that I’m jealous.  We’ve been overseas a couple of times on holidays and the experiences of it all are just memorable.  It’s also something really awesome to have in your mind – to know that you’ve got this kind of special event coming up;  now that’s a great goal that is fantastic to achieve.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

how are you today? I hope you had a couple of good days since your granddaughter left. Do you see her a lot? It sounds like you had a nice time together. It is great that you spend time with her, I remember my times with my grandparents, something to treasure.

I am sorry to hear about your sister, it must be so hard to lose a sibling. Were you very close? It is nice that she left some poetry for people to remember. I agree with you, great poetry is amazing and very inspirational.

Have you recovered from your session? How often do you see your psych? How does your psych teach you to cope? I am still at loss, what their role is, the role of the psych and GP. I am still not sure about ADs either. I see my GP tomorrow, I don't even know what to discuss. Last week has been such a roller coaster. Today was probably the best day. I had a meditation class last night and I think it centred me for the day. I love going to that place. I cannot really concentrate on the meditation and don't remember much of what we discussed, but I love the peace I feel in that place. I feel safe there. I have asked whether I could go there and just sit in the garden.

I am going on holidays in September and I will take my laptop. At least I can write here and my psych has suggested to do a skype session and to stay in touch via email. Hopefully I can write you many happy posts from my travel adventures.

The onion analogy is probably right - onions make you cry. I hope you are right about the softer inner layers.

Have a lovely evening, Yggy xox