Lost

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I am hoping to find some advise - I am still very new to this all. I have started seeing a psychologist and I am just so unsure about what to do. I will talk to her as well when I see her - and that is part of the problem, the long gaps inbetween.

I have various trauma and grief to go through from my early childhood until mid twenties. I have been able to live through this all and have a pretty happy life, but lately it seems crumbling and I feel disconnected from myself and from the outside.

I have made the step to see someone but I am so scared to open the gates. Will I be able to cope and what strategies can I put in place to cope? The couple of times that we touched on certain subjects left me raw, insecure and exhausted. I cannot communicate the strength of feelings, being completely overwhelmed. It is so difficult for me and I am not sure what I want to do.

 What other options are there? Can it just be the wrong psychologist? Is it normal to feel lost and distressed when starting?

Thanks.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Geoff,

thank you for your post. I am holding off the ADs until I see the psychiatrist, that is agreed with my GP and psychologist. I understand that side effects have to be mentioned on the packaging, but I am weird when it comes to meds. I am the opposite to a pill popper - I try to stay away from meds and try to battle the root cause instead of numbing the pain. I have agreed to be monitored and will take meds if I struggle to function or when it is strongly suggested. I am taking some herbal remedies from my naturopath that should help me through the day and other for sleep.

How are you Geoff? Hope you are well and looking forward to the weekend! Yggy x

[geoff]

dear Yggy, I understand completely, as they say 'the ball is in your court', and I hope you have heard that before, but what ever you decide to do I am whole-heartedly behind you all the way.

This week end I don't have anything planned except to talk or should I say try to talk to my little grand daughters, one is 3, while the other is 1, probably do the same visit some old friends as I always do on Saturday and Sunday.

How about you, and I know in how you feel might prevent you from doing anything, but I hope that you do have an enjoying time, oh by the way have you started your Xmas shopping. L Geoff. x

[Guest_2350]

Thank you for your support Geoff! That means a lot to me! 

I think I am worried that when numbing the pain I will also numb the happy moments that I still have, and what should I do then? I have bottled up and numbed my experiences for such a long time, perhaps it is time to start feeling the pain, grief, anger... I confuse myself when I think how messed up it all is.

To be honest, Xmas is the last thing on my mind, but you are right, it is time to start thinking! Have you started?

You have a lovely plan for the weekend, it is awesome that you have two little ones to spend time with! Enjoy! I am planning to spend time with my husband and friends and get out into nature, planning go out for the day on Sunday. I promised myself that I will not cancel my plans!

Take care x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy

Great to hear from you again.

It’s good to hear that you’ve been sourcing out different options throughout Beyond Blue with different methods, etc to help combat the issues.  You’ve definitely got your head screwed on with all of this – good sleeping environment, healthy as you can, with walks out in the sunshine – though, first we have to find the sun.  🙂

Setting proper goals or other goals – it’s all good – ok, so you cancel a lot lately.   Just make new ones.  Eventually you’ll get to one of them and it’ll happen.  And if you keep doing that, sooner or later, it’ll happen again, then again and what might once have been something that you had to think about doing or had to write down to do, will become natural for you to do.  Will become a habit – and hopefully with all things being good, this habit acquired will be a healthy and helpful thing also.

Work is a good thing when it’s a good place and the colleagues are good that you work with, as this can be, as you say a very good distraction.

I have goals.  At the moment, I’m working towards a goal of being stage-ready for a couple of bodybuilding comp’s that are coming up in September and October.  So the goal at the moment is going ok – I’m aiming to lose weight each week and it is finally starting to peel off, while still maintaining enough muscle – it’s all a huge thing, as the body is just so complex – the whole process is a real science to it.

But it can be very demanding – and when someone isn’t that flash in their mind to start with, it can be even more difficult to do.

At the moment, my focus is still there and on track and in fact, I’m digging deeper as each week goes by.  It’s one of the few things that I feel I’m able to succeed or be good at.  Heaven knows there’s not a lot of things that I can say that about, so I guess this is why I concentrate and focus so much on this.  Otherwise, it’d just be another thing where I fail.

Also, winning money makes me feel good. 

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

It's great to hear you are trying different ways to make yourself happy. I believe the trying is the significant part. Finding something is the reward. Are you going to Europe on your own or is your husband going with you? It does sound fantastic. The last time I went was in 2012 and I was very nervous, but then I am not the world's best traveler. I get on better if I am with someone.

I would like to make a comment about medication, especially antidepressants. They are not designed to stop you feeling or numb any pain. I know it seems a glib reply but ADs are designed to help your brain function more efficiently. In fact to work the way it is supposed to work and probably reboot the system. It's really like an antibiotic for the brain, possibly a drain cleaner. I know this is how I have experienced ADs. If you feel drowsy or artificially cheerful then the meds are not doing their job properly and you need something different.

It's not like taking a pain killer to mask symptoms. While a headache pill is OK once in a while we are told not to take them constantly because they can mask the underlying condition. And I definitely agree with you there. If you are depressed the ADs will help your brain get well again. It will not solve your problems but will help you to look at life without the infection or rubbish that has accumulated. Being kind to yourself includes giving yourself the best chance of recovery.

Meditation is a simple process but not easy. You can achieve the same thing with walking meditation. Simply notice the flowers etc, rejoice in the action of walking and be aware of all that is going on around you.

Yes, I had a bit of a chat with the psych yesterday. It was very emotional and draining. Revisiting the past is something I have been very reluctant to do, and still am reluctant. Next week we are going to talk about how this will help me. At the moment I am somewhat wary about looking back and how this can help. It's a bit counter intuitive as far as I am concerned. I'm told it's all about the effect of the past on my present and how to manage it so I will press on, at least for a while.

My granddaughter is coming to stay with me tomorrow night while her parents go out and her brother goes to Cub camp. Exercise was good this morning and I felt I had a good workout. After all the years of trying to like exercise I think I am getting to enjoy it. Truly the age of miracles is not yet gone.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Angry
I am so angry
so angry
I am not feeling sad
I am not feeling sorry
I just feel angry

I feel so angry my head hurts!

I was told memories would come back, tastes and smells and I remembered something today and it makes me so angry. I am just feeling so angry.

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

You sound so distressed, what has happened? Are you angry because you have remembered or because the memory has caused the anger? You have commented several times that you feel numb, that you have squashed down your feelings and experiences. You have also said it's time to start to experiencing the pain, grief and anger. Not an easy thing to do and when it happens you need as much support as possible.

Do you have someone there to help you weather the storm? If not then please consider phoning the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636 and having a chat. I would like to say it's good that you have the courage to look at some of these things but the reality is very hard. Please try to keep breathing evenly. I know it sounds trivial but it helps. A warm shower or bath can help you to relax or listen to some soothing music. Can someone massage your feet or shoulders?

The pain will go away faster if you stop fighting it.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mary,

thank you for your reply. I did read it last night, but was too exhausted to write back. I had a chat online with lifeline. I think next time I try to call them, chatting does not really help. I just don't know what to say, I don't even know how to talk about this. It seems like I am peeling layers away. I am sure there are people that love me who could help me weather the storm, but I have been silent so many years, I don't know how to do this. I think I will try a nice hot shower next time and I did listen to my guided sleep meditation. I will talk about it to my GP next week. I know why I am doing this and I know I need to do this now. I am concerned that another major blow will knock me over for good. I just get so confused about my own feelings when I remember things. I feel better than yesterday, I now have this fog again, this feeling of being numb - numb seems the better option now.

I will try to do now what I know often helps and that is trying to focus on the present, so I will write replies to all the nice response I got, plan my meals for next week, go shopping, go for a walk... and be okay if I don't do anything and just go back to bed...

[geoff]

dear Yggy, there is so much coming out from your post, not only from you but also those who have replied back to you.

There are a few words that have been mentioned, and these are, being angry, failing, and revisiting our past, all of which are so powerful, not only when we are in depression, but definitely on our road to recovery, and of course can come back to haunt us and it doesn't matter whether we have overcome depression or part way there.

Even when we have overcome our depression we just can't accept the fact that it has gone, because it's still hard work and the lessons we still learn, not only along the way, but afterwards as well, because it's always there bubbling away ready to pounce on us again.

My doctor asked me the other day if I wanted to change psych, only because he asked me how it was going,  so I said the relationship between my psych and I was good, no complaints, however I told my doctor that I wasn't sure the psych was helping me, and remember I hope that I have overcome depression, so do I want to change, which frightened me, because I would have to go back to the start, and that I didn't want to do.

So talking about the past is very difficult and when we do then what's the point unless something good comes out of it, so it's a gamble that we have to take, but a very costly one especially if it back fires on us.

This maybe different if you are suffering from PTSD, however my psych said he would help me with mine, but nothing has been addressed, but if what happened time before and is then related to how we are feeling at present, then this can be worked on.

Certainly our fear of failing can definitely pull us down and knock on the black dog's door, so we rethink about what has happened to us over the last few years or so, and this has happened to me as well, back in those dark years.

And feeling like a failure blocks out any situations that have gone well, but that's depression, and it does a very good job, that's how powerful it is. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

My Very Dear Yggy

I am so pleased you are feeling better this morning. Don't worry about replying to posts immediately. Instead concentrate on managing where you are at. We all know and understand feelings like yours because we have all been there. So help yourself first. When you can, that's the time to reply.

I have re-read all your posts and I realised how often you talk about your fear in so many areas. It is hard to cope with and feels so soul-destroying. I am guessing this fear stems from your childhood experiences which you have done your best to hide. I think this is what my psych is talking about when he says we need to understand and manage the effects of these things on our present lives. Reading your posts has made me realise how much of my life I live in fear. It really is a horrible place to be.

And the worst part is not being able to trust those who can help us "return to normal". What a dreadful legacy. My thought is that we both need to learn to trust. I collect all sorts of poems, songs, quotes etc, print them out and put them on my kitchen cupboards. This is one I get great strength from.

When you come to edge of all the light that you have, and must take the first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen.  There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or you will be taught how to fly.  Patrick Overton

I hope this will resonate with you and help you take the next step and the next step and so on. Sometimes all we can do is to take the next step because standing still is often moving backward.

I know you have found it difficult to confide in your husband and of course this is your choice. I do have a suggestion. I gather you have both been in some bad places, for whatever reason, and you are as reluctant to revive his hurt as you are to explore your hurts. But can you talk to him about the sort of help or support he can give you whenever you experience a time such as yesterday? No need for either of you to go into details. What I was thinking was some sort of sign or code word that meant one of you was struggling and needed the presence of the other. Perhaps actually verbalise this.

Not to discuss and probably not even talk at all. Just to hold and comfort each other, offer to run a warm bath, play favourite music etc. In fact just to be there for the other. Having a safe place will be hugely comforting and help you (or both) recover more quickly and securely. How does this sound?

Mary