Long post; I want to forget (trigger warning: sexual assault details)

[NobodySpecial]

Hello,
This is my first time posting, second time talking about this. I guess the only way to begin is to just say it. When I was 18 I was trapped in a physically abusive relationship, too scared to leave , terrified on staying. He used to always force me to touch him, if not I coped it. I didnt think it was that bad, At the time I thought it could always be worse, this was happening for a while. It never esculated past that point. But one day it changed. I dont remember what happened. All I remember was going to his house as told, then waking up on my front lawn feeling disorientated, head fuzzy and completely weak. Being a virgin ,I noticed almost right away I was sore down there, and there was blood. I havent gone to the police, I didnt tell anyone. The only person who knows is my now boyfriend. Even then I couldnt tell him, I just handed him my diary and left him for a few days. If I didnt have the night terrors of my ex beating me and forcing me , I wouldnt have told him. Its been years. I should be over this right? I have no memory of what happend with losing my virginity but I dream of it. I dream of being there, feeling the pain and having no control or strength in my body to move. I dont know what happened. But its all coming to me and I have no idea what to do, how to cope. I just want to forget. I was doing fine, but now if any one even yells near me I panic, I start crying ,tensing and I just want to drop to the floor and cover my head. My boyfriend now has been really supportive ,but pushing me to talk to a professional or at least get him charged. I just cant do it, soon as I go to do something I freeze and I panic ,what happens if he gets away with it, and gets angry again. Or if he finds me. I dont know what to do, but between the event being replayed in my dreams over and over I just cant sleep, I am getting paranoid hes going to be angry with me telling my bf. I should be over this. Its been 6 years. I dont know if I want advice or just to rant. I feel like Im going crazy

[Doolhof]

Hi Ravenq,

You too are someone very special! As are all people who use this forum for one reason or another.

It is wonderful you have managed to find someone who is able to help you. Like you wrote, none of what happened to you was your own fault.

At times it is very hard to believe that thought isn't it!

I've had pregnancies but no live children. For years I blamed myself that the babies did not go full term. Only a couple of years ago I found a counsellor who was able to tell me it was not my fault and that it was okay to grieve for the babies I will never have with me physically.

People in the past have just told me to get on with it, that I must have done something wrong, didn't eat the right food, didn't pray enough and so on. That is all rubbish.

For some reason the babies died before they were born. Even the Drs. had no answers for me.

Just accepting that was so very hard for me. I did nothing wrong. I was able to let go of the guilt, the shame, the hatred I felt for myself.

There were lots of tears in amongst the healing. Be prepared for that.

I wish you strength on your journey of recover and in creating the person whom you want to be today!

Kind regards, from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Music_Freak,

We have had a chat on other threads. It is lovely to see you out and about on the forum supporting other people.

Any abuse is abuse and we have no idea how that affects people.

I'm so thankful I discovered this forum when I did. Being able to share how I am feeling and trying to be supportive to others has helped me immensely.

Sometimes it seems hard to find a caring soul out in the real world, so being able to connect with people here is very special.

Maybe it does work so well because we are all anonymous. I'm not sure.

Sending you encouragement also to be the person whom you desire to be.

Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

[Ravenq]

Hugs to you Mrs Dools 🙂 don't you just love those wonderful people that tell you to just get over it 😡 As if that advice would be appropriate at ANY time in your life.

Blessings, Raven