Long post; I want to forget (trigger warning: sexual assault details)

[NobodySpecial]

Hello,
This is my first time posting, second time talking about this. I guess the only way to begin is to just say it. When I was 18 I was trapped in a physically abusive relationship, too scared to leave , terrified on staying. He used to always force me to touch him, if not I coped it. I didnt think it was that bad, At the time I thought it could always be worse, this was happening for a while. It never esculated past that point. But one day it changed. I dont remember what happened. All I remember was going to his house as told, then waking up on my front lawn feeling disorientated, head fuzzy and completely weak. Being a virgin ,I noticed almost right away I was sore down there, and there was blood. I havent gone to the police, I didnt tell anyone. The only person who knows is my now boyfriend. Even then I couldnt tell him, I just handed him my diary and left him for a few days. If I didnt have the night terrors of my ex beating me and forcing me , I wouldnt have told him. Its been years. I should be over this right? I have no memory of what happend with losing my virginity but I dream of it. I dream of being there, feeling the pain and having no control or strength in my body to move. I dont know what happened. But its all coming to me and I have no idea what to do, how to cope. I just want to forget. I was doing fine, but now if any one even yells near me I panic, I start crying ,tensing and I just want to drop to the floor and cover my head. My boyfriend now has been really supportive ,but pushing me to talk to a professional or at least get him charged. I just cant do it, soon as I go to do something I freeze and I panic ,what happens if he gets away with it, and gets angry again. Or if he finds me. I dont know what to do, but between the event being replayed in my dreams over and over I just cant sleep, I am getting paranoid hes going to be angry with me telling my bf. I should be over this. Its been 6 years. I dont know if I want advice or just to rant. I feel like Im going crazy

[Starwolf]

Hi NS and a warm welcome to these forums.

I'm sorry you had to go through this ordeal. Being an ex sexual abuse victim too, I understand how it pulls the carpet from under the feet. It leaves behind painful emotional scars and a deep-rooted sense of insecurity.

No, you shouldn't be over this and your distress is a normal reaction. Normal and justified.

Your bf's support is a precious asset. He understands that those memories will keep haunting you as long a they're not brought into the open. That's why he has been trying to convince you to talk with a professional. I wish I didn't have to tell you this but this trauma will not disappear on its own.

You don't have to cope with this alone and you deserve peace of mind to return. It will be a long road but well worthwhile to take in the long run.

I know how difficult it is. If speaking out is too daunting, writing would be the way to go, just like you did with your bf. It is a huge, scary step forward so I get your reluctance. But please keep it in mind, keep reading/sharing other victims' thoughts on the subject.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find under Get Support that you can order written info resources on the topic. These are free and will help you learn more about what you are going through.

Meanwhile, well done for making the brave decision to vent your feelings on these forum. It is a terrific start and a safe place to do so. Navigating them can connect you with others who have been/are confronted with similar issues. There's insight to be gained, compassion and understanding to be shared.

Great to have you on board.

[NobodySpecial]

Thank you for your welcome and thoughtful advice. I do know that I should see professional help, but saying that Ive also been going great the last few years its only this year Ive started remembering things from that "event" .Its not something Im used to, not remembering that is. I dont drink nor do drugs so memory gaps freak me out, then again I really rather not remember. I wish there was a way just to stop the process my brain is going through and leave it alone, leave it behind.
Thank you again Starwolf

[Cornstarch]

NobodySpecial you are not alone. Sexual assault is so common it is horrifying.

I have been sexually assaulted and memory recall has caused chaos in my life. Because memory is not always a picture in your mind, it can be a physical sensation instead, this makes you feel mad. It makes you doubt that it is true. Doubt that it was real. Doubt that it ever happened and convince yourself that it has not. But the body does not lie. The mind can play tricks, but the body is very accurate.

You may think that I am telling fibs but I know I am not. I had almost %100 amnesia for roughly 15/16 years after my assault. I wasn't emotionally or spiritually ready to face the horror so my brain buried it and from the outside I just appeared to have 'an anxiety disorder'. Rape is rape. Not an anxiety disorder.

I am so relieved that you have a partner and someone that loves you. In regards to going to the police that is such a hard decision for survivors when we are so aware of the pathetic results of criminal proceedings. I went on Bravehearts web site and did some reading. I don't know if this is true but apparently once it is reported to police there's no going back, because it becomes a law matter that is of interest to society so the police must pursue it. I would never take that step without consideration only because it will take a toll on your mental health. It makes me so angry that perpetrators get off the hook so easy and that I even type what I have just typed. It makes you feel like there is no such thing as justice.

Good luck Nobody Special, you are not crazy or alone. You unfortunately are one of millions. I think we should all start a club. It is a very big invisible club.

Good luck.

[Guest_5218]

Hi there SOMEbody special. Yes, I have purposely changed your profile name. Because you are special, we all are. So much of what both you and Cornstarch has said resonates with me. And Starwolf too of course, but Starwolf and I have been conversing here for a number of months now, and we already know each other's story. Star has been an enormous help to me during difficult times, and I'm sure she will be to you also. It just seems to mean more when it comes from someone who has been through a similar experience. Someone who has learned to overcome the unfairness that life has thrown at her.

Somebody Special - I understand where you are coming from by not seeking help and by not reporting this crime to the police. I did neither of these things either for over 19 years. I will never report my rape to the police, although I realise that even after 20 years the perpetrator can still be prosecuted. I know it seems dreadfully unfair that these people get away scott free and get to live their carefree lives while we, their victims, suffer on a daily basis. But I just dont have the strength to follow it through. Like you I just want to forget.

I did finally seek psychological help and over the past year I have been having Exposure Therapy, CBT and currently EMDR therapy in an effort to help me through my PTSD. But still the only people who know are my psych, my GP who I only told a month or two ago, and anyone who reads my thread on BB. I am happy to report that finally talking to my psych about what happened to me has helped somewhat. I'm learning to accept me.

I told myself for 19 years that I should be over it too. But PTSD just isnt something you get over readily, and not without professional help. I also went through stages over the years where I thought I had gotten over it. But SomeBody Special, it keeps coming back. The nightmares, the anxiety, the fear, the panic.

I'm sure we all feel as you do - that we just want to leave it all behind and to forget it ever happened. But I admit now, that I am unable to do that without help. I also feel that I will never be who I was before, that trauma changes us. But therapy will help you to accept the new you, as it has me.

Cornstarch - Its a pretty sad indictment on society that we are indeed one of millions of rape victims. And it is easy to feel that we are invisible at times. But its nice to have an understanding ear here on Club BB. (-:

I wish all of you well.

Sherie xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Somebody Special,

I'm going to use the title that Sherie has given to you, as like she mentioned, we are all special, no matter what has happened to us.

My sexual abuse occurred with my first husband. He used to have great pleasure in raping me in front of his mates. I don't know who was worse, him or his mates! I eventually ran away.

That happened in my late teens and early 20's. I had no idea that you could actually report your husband for that kind of abuse. So I never did. I do not know if I could have ever had the guts to do that. I'm now in my early 50's.

There are still gaps in my memory. I don't worry about them anymore. I take them as a blessing.

For years I was filled with hatred and anger. I had told my parents some of what was going on, but they just said I put myself in that situation so I had to live with it.

It is wonderful your boyfriend is being supportive and caring.

Maybe you don't want to think about reporting this issue, that is okay. Hopefully you will be able to decide one way or another which way you want to go.

I believe that talking to a counsellor/sexual abuse person/psychologist or someone your Dr might recommend would be very beneficial to you.

As mentioned by someone above, if you don't feel like you can talk about what happened, then write it down and share your written word.

If you have tears, let them fall.

Also find a way to make yourself love yourself.

Have a massage. A bubble bath with candles. Have a manicure or do one at home. Dress up and take your boyfriend out for coffee or a meal, wear your favourite clothes, perfume, make up and jewellery. If you have the money, buy a beautiful nighty or pajamas for your own enjoyment.

Look for ways to feel good about yourself and to pamper yourself.

Embrace who you are today.

Love and hugs to all survivors of abuse, male, female and children!

From Mrs. Dools

[Starwolf]

Hi and thank you for your feedback.

I am happy to see these terrific women's response to your thread. This is the solidarity and understanding that makes these forums such a special haven, a place to take refuge when things just get too tough.

Th

[Starwolf]

Hmm, a glitch in the system, lets try again.

The mind buries what it cannot cope with, a self-protection tactic. So this forgetfulness can be a blessing. However, truth has a way of bubbling back to the surface. Those snippets of memory are difficult to cope with, because we know more hidden facts are lurking wherever they came from. We dread to know what those are. Forgetting seems so much easier.

But just like physical injury, mental/emotional wounds are prone to infection if left unattended. Out of sight, out of mind, they spread a destructive darkness below the surface. This is why after years of pushing things under the carpet and wanting to forget, many of us have taken steps to heal at a deep level. Sexual abuse not only violates us as women, it also rips our emotional core to shreds...regardless of gender. It takes away our human power.

Re legal action, I agree that the system often fails us. It is painful and frustrating to realize that women's egalitarian movements have barely scratched the surface of a deep rooted issue. Statistics are horrendous and only the tip of the iceberg as so many victims are too traumatized and scared to come forward. Women (and also children) are still all too often considered as prey. However, there are many terrific men out there who are speaking out/acting in support. They too are horrified that still too many others are unable to raise their level of consciousness past the navel. We need those invaluable allies to stand with us and be counted.

There is still a lot to do, a lot we CAN do. But first, we must heal. It may take time, courage and dedication but we're a resilient lot.

You're a special lady indeed. Your contribution here is much appreciated. Thank you.

[Ravenq]

Hello Someone Special 🙂

i was first sexually abused at 3 by my uncle, I had no memory of it but it set an awful precedence for the type of relationship I was drawn to when I grew up. I am now 44 & I have been physically & sexually abused by the 5 long term relationships I have had over the course of my adult life. I was in my 30's when the flashbacks of my childhood started. I honestly thought I was going mad.

Last month I finally found a psych that I gave full disclosure to about these things because I can't fix myself. You know what I found out? There is actually nothing 'wrong' with me! Awful people took advantage of me & these reactions that impact on my life, are not my doing. My mind & my body are doing their very best to adjust, they just need outside help from a professional.

Just hearing the words, 'I have helped ladies through this before' has given me hope xx

Lets be hopeful together xx

[Music_Freak]

I have not been a victim of any type of sexual abuse, mine was always psychological/emotional.

But I just wanted to stop by and tell you all that you are all BRILLIANT!!

I love how everyone is so open here, I feel like I can be me 🙂