Learning to deal with trauma by finding positives in learning or growing afterwards

[Elizabeth CP]

I am using this thread for my own benefit but would be glad of others input. Last time I saw my psychiatrist & discussing the negative impacts of several traumatic & bad experiences he asked me to come up with positives or things I've learnt from the experience. Following his suggestion I started writing down things each day and this helped me but once I stopped things went downhill so I thought I would try again using this thread. Hopefully it may inspire others to find some positives to help them deal with their own trauma.  

My idea is not about making the event itself positive with comments like 'at least you survived' because  that doesn't help.

Positives I can think of today are:

By being poor due to losing everything in the bushfire I have learnt to manage money well & can save & go without to get what I really need. This was a benefit when my husband was out of work and now that we are on carers & disability pension

Because of my low self esteem I compensated by working hard at school so I got good marks. Thjis meant I was able to focus on my studies and got a scholarship to study at uni. 

I missed having relatives in Australia so I really appreciated my family and went out of my way to stay close to my brother which meant my kids are now really close to their cousins & my brother has helped me a lot when needed. 

Please feel free to comment or add your own ideas.

[Guest_2350]

Hi Elizabeth,

thank you so much for sharing this! There is so much truth behind this and you explained it beautifully with your own examples. Are you doing this exercise regularly?

It is also good that you noted, that you do not down play the experience or try to make the event sound positive - I would definitely not be able to make my trauma sound positive, but like you, trauma has shaped my life. And it has also had a positive impact on my life, not only the negatives that I get very caught with lately.

I say when I love someone because I may not get another chance.

I try to live a meaningful life, because I am grateful that I am allowed to live. I struggle with this at the moment as I feel I am wasting my life in my current state of mind. 

I am compassionate.

 Thank you again for sharing, it is so easy to forget.

Take care, Yggy 

[Guest_5218]

Hi Elizabeth.  I have mentioned to you in another thread of yours that I have read a very good book about exactly this subject.  Finding positives (or growth) from a traumatic experience.

I love how you have been able to embrace this task, and admire you greatly for it.  

Unfortunately I am unable to add anything because, try as I might, I fail to find any positives right now for my own experience.  Perhaps its because of the way I am feeling right now, and with the anniversary of my trauma so close now?  I am currently unable to see past the trauma itself, and all the bad things that have occured as a result.  No positives there I'm afraid.  

But I will keep trying and maybe, with the help of my psych who I see again next month, I can then start to find some positives.  Some evidence of personal growth even?   I will be sure to let you know if I do.  I know to do so is to help the healing process.  And I want that.

Have a good day Elizabeth     ( - :

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Yggy Your comments were excellent & remind me of the positives in life even when things are bad. Sherie I'm glad you read this post & maybe at some point something will help you find some positive in your journey. One positive for me is being prompted to go on this forum & interact with people like you who have gained so much wisdom through their trials which they impart to me & others. Noone who hasn't been through trauma can understand what it is like so they can't help in the way you can.
i am going to post on this thread daily to help myself because when I stopped doing it on paper I went down hill

Another positive I learnt is that I can overcome real challenges if I want to enough. I remember in cooking class at high school being really embarrassed because I couldn't light the stove due to my fear of fire I didn't want anyone to know how 'stupid'I was so eventually after about 6 months I managed to light the gas stove. I didn't like it but I did it & kept going until I could manage without the intense anxiety. If I could overcome that fear on my own I can overcome anything given enough motivation.

[Elizabeth CP]

Today's positive: After the bushfire we were left with nothing except what we were wearing & nowhere to live. The only people we knew in Australia were those living nearby who were also affected by the fires. Strangers offered us somewhere to stay until my parents could buy a new house. Even though it was cramped & less than ideal it was somewhere to live & I really appreciated what was done for us & wanted to repay the favour. Obviously we couldn't repay them direct but decades later some acquaintances were evicted from their house & had nowhere to live. Because of my experience after the fire I was happy to finally repay my 'debt'to society & invite them to stay until they found somewhere to live. As a result we became very good friends & we have helped each other numerous times as well as having fun together. 

I guess sometimes through bad experiences you are forced to rely on others & this can lead to positive relationships. 

[Paul]

Hi Elizabeth!

This is a fantastic idea.

Because I have depression and anxiety, I can relate to and empathise with others who have emotional difficulties at a deeper level. This helps me understand people better.

My road to recovery has taught me to be less judgemental, especially in my self-talk. I now try much harder to understand someone's plight before I form an opinion in my mind.

In exploring the major cause of my depression, my father leaving me at 4 and not caring, I have learnt the true meaning of super hero and the definition of a man. My dad (step father) would step in front of a bus to save me, he took me and my brother in when he met my mum, as his own children and has not once for a moment ever thought we weren't his children. THIS is the definition of a true man and a role model I am proud to have in my life.

I think I'll post more bit by bit.

Thanks so much Elizabeth for this, it is really helpful. I feel a bit sunny inside now and I'll call my Dad today.

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks for your post. I agree with your definition of a superhero & REAL man. My dad is also a superhero. My mum was never well & he would do anything for her & us. When I was a baby I cried a lot & dad would rock me to sleep whenever he was home from work so mum could rest. As a result I was very close to him.

I think empathy & being less judgemental are often results from difficult times. I certainly believe I am more empathetic as a result of what I meant through.

[Elizabeth CP]

Today's positive from my experience is having been bullied as a child I was very aware of how bad it can be for children & teenagers so I watched out for signs of it in my own children. One son was bullied at high school so I pulled him out of school & home schooled him for a year. While @ school he struggled with much social life due to the amount of homework. (he had learning difficulties) Being home schooled allowed him to do the subjects he struggled with when he was freshest so he was more successful & had time in the evenings for scouts, drama classes & time to relax. so my experiences meant I was able to cater for his needs which impacted on his mental health. 

[Elizabeth CP]

I am struggling at the moment. I am so used to being a carer & catering for others needs I no longer know what I want. I guess today's positive is that I learnt to care for other people at a young age and have been able to pass this on to my children. My oldest son is not much good at emotional support but is always helping others with practical support. My 2 daughters have become health professionals so they can help others. 

[Guest_5218]

Oh Elizabeth.  You really are an inspiration!

You are struggling so much at present, and yet you are still able to find some positives.

I admire you greatly, and I long to be as strong and positive as you are at times.

Sherie xx