IanTed

[Guest_9938]

62yo complex childhood trauma He was that violent Fear in mums womb beatings to her and me.I witnessed weekly beatings to mum he was savage Stepfather feed alcohol (9yro started drinking.Half bottle vodka age 11)continued and added drugs it didn’t work Clean and sober 19 years)as beatings not work Just diagnosed complex childhood trauma?Me unsure been diagnosed many and varied labels Fear Confusion Anger not a lot of help and I’m struggling and I don’t want to be here don’t know what to do yes I’ve never got over it

Any feedback welcomed 

[Fiatlux]

Hey IanTed,

So glad that you found your way here.

Complex PTSD is not a happy club for anyone to join, but we are here and we survived.

There are so many wonderful caring people here, who will, I am sure, will drop by shortly to provide you with support for whatever you need.

Nobody has any right to tell you to get over it. You can certainly learn to live with it and not allow it to continue to control you. 

Triggers and flashbacks can happen and memories can haunt you. During your slow recovery and healing process you may continue to experience anxiety and sleepless nights. 

Often memories came to me in dreams that were nightmares really. Sifting through memories can be hard.

So glad that you are clean and sober. This will certainly help you through to healing.

Stay safe and strong and take care of yourself. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Guest_9938]

Thanks for your comments a few other things one being speaking writing I get so lost life  I was diagnosed with somatisation(in my head)25 years ago.Not one doctor discussed it with me now they tell me I could have tremor dyskinesia I do have immense pain pins needles burning feet hands muscle issues and feeling sick(i eat to the stage of pain as I know it will go away I drink coffee sometimes up to a dozen as I know that will go as no doubt i did with drugs)on top of insurmountable issues I know there wrong but still even to doctors I’m the idiot(that’s how I feel)all this.I don’t like people and if it’s in my head well I not only don’t like self I really hate myself and that is a word I do not use lightly I have no trust in anyone even self

[Fiatlux]

Hi IanTed,

How are you doing today?

Must admit I had to look up somatisation and dyskinesia and I understand it. It happens to just about everyone who I know who has been subjected to physical violence and assault.

When I think back to my violent grandfather and his violence towards his 7 children, his wife and lots of us grandchildren as well, we all have long lasting physical pain from injuries that he inflicted upon us. 

Serious physical pain from injury that was never treated and requiring surgery to repair. As well as severe head trauma. We all hear about concussion injuries to sports people but imagine being a small child a baby even and being shaken and struck in head and in my case throw across the room. I remember my sister have her head slammed into a door and she collapsed. She crumpled to the floor and all I hear is my mother screaming. It was my sisters 13th birthday party and the whole family was at the house. My dad did nothing. Nothing to stop it and my sister didn’t get treatment.

Grandma was drunk and took any opportunity to hurt us when he could. When he was drunk or sober, it matter. If you dared get close enough to him or had to walk past him, he would hurt you.

[Fiatlux]

Hi IanTed,

Hope you are well today.

I did look up somatisation and dyskinesia and wrote you a longer reply but hasn’t been published yet. If it doesn’t appear, I will reply to again.

Keep safe. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Guest_9938]

Thank you for your words as much as I’m trying to process everything and there’s a lot to deal with I worry about an emptiness hollow and blank feeling that washes over me as much as it’s a bit of peace I think? It’s as confusing as the rest of my life I hope you found some insight about tremor dyskinesia and somatization

I know doctors are wrong but how does someone who thinks and expresses things (very complicated confused) ever be heard and believe me I struggle

better stop before I get to lost thank you for your interest and a big thank you to all the story tellers as much as I knew I wasn’t alone in one way or another conformation is helpful Regards Me
 

[Fiatlux]

Hi IanTed,

it looks like my earlier post to you has appeared.

I never want to re-traumatise anyone else with too much detail.

Often when I read someone else’s story, I remember things from my life. Similar abusive incidents.

So many of my cousins who were child victims of violence have ongoing physical symptoms. It’s not just psychological damage, it’s serious physical damage, requiring surgery.

These issues were not hereditary but inflicted after birth. Hearing loss and loss of scene of smell that a few aunties also suffered from. Doctors asking questions like, when did you break your nose? Auntie couldn’t recall that happening, yet ex-rays show otherwise. She did a deep dive through her memories and remembered she was possibly about 3 years old.

From the exterior my large family looked like everyone else. We were good at looking normal.

Have a great evening and take care of yourself. Fiatlux 🙏🏼