I have complex PTSD. The last few months I seem to be stuck in 'fight or flight' mode.

[Relic_Girl]

I have complex PTSD. The last few months I seem to be stuck in 'fight or flight' mode. Many flashbacks, visual, emotional, physical. The littlest things are difficult to cope with. I start the day with what feels like my cup 90% full. Not wanting to go on is a common feeling/thought. Lonely place to be. I do have a mental health worker and have seen a trauma counsellor once - waiting on further appointments to be scheduled. Had a good GP but he's left and no-one else is available in my small town. I am rambling. I am very proactive and compliant doing all sorts of techniques - grounding, mindfulness, breathing, distraction etc etc. I'm still working and fulfilling what needs to be done in my life. But it's getting harder and harder and I'm getting tired and more tired and more hopeless and feel as if I try and try and nothing is changing. I don't know what I'm asking. I'm doing all the "things". I enact my safety plan - call suicide call back service, lifeline. Come away feeling more hopeless. It's hard to get through 5 minutes sometimes. Again I don't know what I'm asking. I seek assistance and there seems no more answers and I'm stuck in this place that is dark and dangerous and lonely. Sorry for such a negative post. It's really normally not me and I normally don't share or put myself out there. 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Relic Girl,
You describe a bleak situation, and your best action will be through your support team.

Apart from this, do you have anyone close to comfort you in moments such as these?
Even a pet can provide some context to help bring you back to the present.

One thing you might try is listening to 'talk back' radio - dull as dishwater, tbh, but it is 'reality' of sorts (helps me to fall asleep at night!).

I don't think yours is a negative post - acknowledging where you are at is a step in the right direction and you do sound focused on overcoming this.

[Relic_Girl]

Thank you for responding. I am accessing my support team. Unfortunately I'm in an isolated rural town with extremely limited availability and no after hours care/hospital. Me and my team are doing the best we can.  I have no one to support me through times like this - sadly lost my little dog a year ago. I do enact my safety plan and call places like Lifeline which has been at least a human to talk to. I don't find them great, but better than struggling on alone. 

I do like the idea of talk back radio. Thanks for that. I'd forgotten I used to do that years ago. I sometimes try podcasts but my concentration isn't always wonderful. Talk back radio could be a good distraction. 

Look, I think I'm tired of myself too hahaha. Frustrated.  I am strong and I keep battling on and sometimes get stuck in the same lot of coping mechanisms.  The pit of depression is deep at the moment but as a wise person told me years ago, "this too shall pass". I guess I just need to hang in there and keep on keeping on. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Relic_Girl,

Welcome and hi.

At times we need to know that there are others who are also experiencing or have experienced what you are experiencing and feeling.

I had or have complex ptsd for quite sometime but only diagnosed when I was 52. That was 4 years ago. I have come through some dark times.

That fight and flight mode lasted for several months for me in 2020. As I couldn’t flee from my trauma (due to COVID lockdowns and border closures) I stayed and had to fight my way through it. It possibly lasted more than a year and maybe more like 2 years, but I have learned to deal with it and I am more settled. I can look at my trauma maker now and feel nothing. I have detached myself from it.

My trauma was caused by years of childhood abuse and domestic violence and then domestic violence continued into my adult life when I was married at 19. The abuse now is mainly verbal and this can trigger my fight mode but I can pull myself back and I can block it out and even ignore it. 

My abuser has no hold over me any more. I no longer have that flight mode but instead I have the fight mode which I can control. Goodness forbid if I let the fighting me out. If I unleashed her, watch out cause she is strong and capable of anything now.

I understand that it is hard sharing your feelings and experiences but I have slayed my abusers many times in my dreams. 

I can understand calling the suicide call back services isn’t an instant fix, as I have called them to, but at least it calms me down long enough to make a plan for when I get off the phone with them. 

When I joined the Forums here a few years ago, I didn’t know what I wanted or expected from it, but I received support which has become an invaluable lifeline and it’s here 24/7. 

You are in good company, people here actually really care. Peace dear Girl. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[tranzcrybe]

Sorry about your dog - their unconditional love and incredible perception in times of distress helped me through some tough days; and puppies, well they always bring a smile to my face and lift spirits.

Now, while talking to Lifeline on the phone (or indeed conversing here on the forums) is a practical part of your coping strategies, 'real people' - tangible, visual, present, (even if barely a word is spoken) can be reassuring to have around; and sometimes a well timed hug can make all the difference.

But trust is always going to be a concern when one of your strengths is taking control of your situation, so I can see this may be a limited avenue for you. Although I wonder, and without the least suggestion of proselytizing, if there is a small local parish who could provide emotional support and company (I think it's in their job description somewhere...) to help spread the weight of that burden occasionally?

Of course we can all become fed up with our own company - let's face it, wherever we go, there we are... all the time!! So be kind to yourself.

[Relic_Girl]

Thank you for sharing with me. I think you might have nailed it, I am I guess looking for others going through similar. Probably to feel less alone and maybe to get some advice at what helped get them through the tougher of times. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Relic Girl,

I understand the kind of place you’re coming from. I also have complex PTSD and live alone in a rural town. I have also gone through lengthy periods of intensified fight-or-flight and often freeze as well. In fact these are my normal states with varying degrees of intensity. But I do find they lessen at times as well and that it is true that the worst periods pass, but I know it can be so hard to see that when in a trauma activated state.

I find time in nature helps. I have a favourite place by the ocean as my town is coastal. I feel safely held there even if I’m not able to feel safe anywhere else. Is there any place near you that feels connecting and safe? I think one of the hardest things with complex PTSD is just trying to locate some kind of safety within the self.

I know you’ve called some helplines. I just wondered if you’ve tried The Blue Knot Foundation because they specialise in complex PTSD. Their focus is on safety and stabilisation so they would be good people to talk with about the chronic fight-or-flight response and they will get it. You can talk to them once a week and they will talk for 30-45 minutes, depending on how busy they are. Their number is 1300 657 380 and they are available daily from 9am - 5pm eastern states time.

Do you have any safety associations in memory such as people or places you’ve ever found safe, peaceful or comforting? I’ve done a method called Somatic Experiencing where you use “islands of safety” when processing trauma. But these islands of safety can be accessed any time in the imagination as a regulating tool. Like you I can get chronically stuck in hypervigilance. My nervous system seems to never stop scanning for danger and my mind is often going over and over things to try to solve them in order to try and make me safe. But on occasions where I can connect with an inner island of safety there can be some release in the hypervigilance.

Anyway, happy to chat further if you want to. I know it can be relentless at times. I think being very gentle with yourself helps and sensing an inner caring part of the self that can care for the vulnerable part of self. It can take time to develop that inner caring part and I’m still working on that myself.

Take care,

ER

[Relic_Girl]

Thank you for replying. I do enjoy nature, yes. One of my 'tools' is to walk with my camera. This way I find I tend to look for photo opportunities, beauty around me and this gets me out of my head and relaxes me. I have been doing this  a lot lately, as I live in an area that experiences the most colourful and beautiful Autumns. 

I haven't tried ringing Beyond Blue. Thank you for the recommendation. That might be far more helpful, when needed. 

I think when I keep saying "no-one has any answers", I do know it takes time for these things to pass and it's a multifaceted approach of tools and techniques to get through these trauma activated times. I think I really mean that I'm tired of the pain and intensity and wish it to stop. I realised the last few days I need to just relax a bit, "be" and know that it does pass, that I am safe, that I have supports and that I am strong and resilient. And I've remembered a few things I've used successfully in the past that help in these times. I forget to "shake up that toolbox" sometimes haha. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Relic Girl,

I too walk with my camera in nature. I find it helps me really notice the forms, shapes, patterns and colours of things, as well as the quality of the light. It is lovely you are in a place with the beautiful autumn colours. I totally agree, photography in nature gets me out of my head too and I’m much more in a flow state in the moment.

The number I mentioned is actually The Blue Knot Foundation, not Beyond Blue. But Beyond Blue is another useful option. I just thought of The Blue Knot Foundation as the specialise in Complex PTSD in particular.

I really understand about wanting the pain and intensity to just stop. I was feeling like that this morning actually. I felt so bad on waking I checked my blood pressure which I hadn’t done in a long time. It was high. I checked it again this afternoon - still high. My stress levels are obviously up. But late this afternoon I went for a walk in the woodland across the road. I noticed the way the golden light from the sun was filtering through the trees. I listened to all the different bird calls. I also enjoyed a cup of tea at home while just looking at my garden (instead of trying to multitask while drinking the tea and doing other things at the same time). I slowed myself right down. I then retested by blood pressure and it was close to normal.

I think the huge challenge with Complex PTSD is the feeling of everything being relentless and out of control, which so often has been our past experience including from childhood. I know the environment I grew up in was very tense and it rarely relented. So I’m realising it is like learning belatedly that another reality is possible and gradually allowing the nervous system to feel and know that possibility.

So I really get what you are saying and I need to “shake up that toolbox” too on a regular basis. I think those of us with Complex PTSD have a kind of endurance capacity that we’ve had to develop, and within that there can be resources we may not even realise are there. Going gently is so important too and not putting ourselves under too much pressure.

Take good care and I hope you can feel a bit of a break in the intensity soon where you can just breathe and let go.

Best wishes,

ER

[Relic_Girl]

Yes, you're right I think we do have a high endurance capacity. We get worn down at times, but we usually find something else that works well and keep moving forward. I am learning to remind myself to go gently. To rest. To 'be' with the emotions. And I must admit some of the 'urgency' has receded in the past few days. A wise friend said to me years ago "this too shall pass" and while that's hard to remember during the acuteness of it all, it is very true.