I feel like everything I do to try and take control of this just slaps me in the face.

[plasticinehouse]

There's been too many things happen, but atm it's that I wanted to get a tattoo. I always thought I could never get one. I dont know what changed, I think I am still desperately trying to take control of my body. If I blur my eyes, I still think a tattoo is cool. Its just not what I wanted.

Why did I even think I had to agree to something I dont like? I wanted to trust her cos shes the artist. I felt pushed to go with this as the best option, rather than redrawing, or even just leaving (she had my deposit). Thinking I should just go with it is not a good way to make such a permanent decision

Looking at other tattoos - these ones have faces that arent as big and detailed as what she did. And that's what I wanted. Im so upset. 

How did i go thru so much therapy, so much learning to assert boundaries and forget all of it in the blink of an eye?

Not just the SA, but a guy also pretended to be there for me through court, when rly he was just faking it to get what he wnte. It broke me further, made me feel really exposed adn used and all over again made me hate looking at my body if he didnt even want me and made me expose myself for fake friends.

He latched onto so many things that were getting me through the pandemic, including Zelda.

Getting it was trying to reclaim my interests too. I havent been able to play it all year because it reminds me of him, even tho I wanted to go back to it in 2022.

I know its cute, just not what I wanted. I wanted him to have an angsty expression (ALL my refs did. I hate the heart. It doesn't feel me at ALL. I hate the bottom bit the most. Why did that even need to be there? I wanted something simple, that bit feels unecesary. If she's goi g to copy something, why not go for one of the pics I sent? Instead she copied something completely different instead of making her own design of him. 

I tried to ask without the heart. She said he had to be contained in something due to the size. After that I got too afraid to ask for more changes, the way she justified felt like she would have reasons for everything. 

idk what to do anymore. I was trying to own it, have something cool on my body. It didnt work.

[Croix]

Dear Plasticinehouse~

Welcome back, it'd nice to hear from you even though it means oyu are going though a tough time.

I'd have to saying having been used by that guy it's not surprising yo want to do something to exercise a little control, and a tattoo is a reasonable thing, many people have them.

There is a difference in getting what you had pictured in your mind, and what you ended up with. Now that may not be as bad a thing as you feel at the moment. After all you got the tat in response to sadness, frustration and feeling down , and that will not always be the case. That tatt may suit your life better as things improve.

It is a pity you don't feel you can play Zelda now, though it's quite understandable if it reminds you of him -you don't need that . Still game-playing is a way to get though things, have you considered similar games, Dark Souls or whatever, as a substitute that's not overlayed  with memories?

As for not being in control, once you paid that deposit it became increasingly difficult to pull out, that's not just you , it's basically anybody. And wiht hte artist not seeming to get what you want stopping when you  did seems sensible. Maybe you have more artistic sense than she did.

I don't think you forgot you boundaries - you could not really stop half way though. You can have boundaries when you are in familiar territory, getting a tatt was all new.

I hope court went OK

Croix

[plasticinehouse]

That's actually a very helpful thing to keep in mind. Thanks for your reply.

I honestly wish i had tried to get the idea more finalised myself before going in, or getting a consult before going in so blind. I just wanted to trust what the artist thought. I think I went in thinking she would make other suggestions if I didnt like something, instead of pushing for it. But now I feel like I went to the wrong person if I keep seeing tattoos that ARE more like what I wanted. They exist, surely I'm not wrong for wanting something more like those.

[Croix]

Dear Plasticinehouse~

Of course you are not wrong, you had an idea and what you ended up with was not the same, so you  wish you had gone about it a different way. Still you have satisfied a need -to get a tat - and now maybe is the time to look at what you actually have, rather than comparing it with your intention

It's very easy to dismiss this tat, to be in a frame of mind that is going to be all negative, and feel bad as a result.

May I suggest you try to look at it with fresh eyes and no preconceptions, as if it was something you just saw on someone else. There are things in this life that remind me of good memories, good situations, good books or more. Can you look at it and see if you can associate at least part of it wiht something that has meant something good to you in the past?

The sort of thing is this, two vertical lines, closer together at the top my remind me of a lighthouse, and that in turn will remind me of living with my grandparents, one of the happiest times in my childhood - you get the idea?

Croix