i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi ER and dig,

Dig, make sure you don't overdo the processing with the book, take a rest from it now and then so the stress doesn't overwhelm your system. It's no small endeavour you are attempting, but I'm glad to hear you are stripping away some of the baggage and feeling lighter.

ER, I feel for you, my narcissist sister turned her children against me also. I will never know my grand neices and nephews thanks to her. It took me a while to accept that too. Perhaps one day your brother will realise he has been manipulated but then again, you said he was not able to be there for you in the past. I hope you can come to some state of peace within over this, you need to look after you first and foremost. Some situations are beyond our control unfortunately. Here if you want to talk.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you indigo,

Yes, I’m doing my best to practise radical acceptance. I’m so sorry your sister did those things. That would have been very painful. What is so upsetting with my brother is he has a really good side, but he also developed a narcissistic streak as he was very much the golden child and really changed around the age of 15. He can sometimes habitually treat me in the same way I was scapegoated by our mother. At other times he can show some care and concern, then he’ll suddenly say or do something extremely passive aggressive or outright arrogant and cruel. It really messes with me not knowing what to expect next. He’s kind of ended up with the same split personality as our mother and grandmother. Our mother referred to her mother as like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. And now my brother is with a partner with very disturbed malignant narcissism it’s bringing out the ugly legacy of cruelty that came down through Mum’s side of the family. He’s actually repeating a trauma pattern by being with her. I think he either can’t see what’s currently going on or slightly can but is avoidant of reality. He is extremely avoidant of emotions, and part of the appeal of the current partner compared to previous ones is she is profoundly lacking in normal human empathy and sensitivity. So she doesn’t care about his emotional avoidance, whereas previous partners did and wanted to make a heart connection. The saddest thing is I know deep down my brother wants to connect to his heart, but just can’t.

For me heart connections are really important. They are the basis of life itself. It is actually the meaning of life for me, to connect to your own heart and the hearts of others. It’s what sustains life, hope and love. I know that’s why that however I go forward I have to protect my heart, but it’s had to take so much already in life and it was breaking open this morning and the grief was forcing its way out. My heart is still breaking daily for my mother also, as our relationship had done much to heal. Then my brother really had a go at her in one of those nasty turns. She told me it shattered and broke her heart, and I watched her dying from that broken heart and spirit over the remaining year of life, seeing the hope of the healing work we’d done together just smashed to pieces. It rips me apart internally every single day. I was just finally connecting with the mother I’d been trying to connect with since birth. There was this beautiful healing evolving, and then it shattered. My mother has had many shattering experiences throughout her life, so having her golden child son attack her was like the final thing that broke her. I’d come to understand how her trauma had led her to certain outcomes and she too was getting it about herself and wanting to heal.

But what consoles me now is knowing she is at peace, and knowing that we got to share those moments and some of our healing journeys together. She said and did some of the cruelest things to me, as her mother did to her, but she also gave me some of the most beautiful things too in the limited way she was able. She was actually really trying.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. Sorry dig, I realised I just wrote this really long post about myself on what is meant to be your thread. I should have posted a separate thread. But anyway hopefully something about it might be relevant or helpful in some way.

[indigo22]

ER, you deserve to feel at peace after everything you have had to endure. You did your best with healing your relationship with your mum and I am sure you have tried to keep your relationship with your brother as much as he would allow. You can't keep tearing yourself apart and allowing your heart to broken over and over again, especially when it is having such a damaging effect on your health and well-being. You are so kind and compassionate to everyone, you have a huge heart, please don't let anyone destroy what you have worked so hard to achieve. What if, by healing yourself and in doing so, heal the generational trauma, your brother also is healed, finds his heart and finds his way back to you? Anything is possible in a future we cannot yet see unfolding. I hope you get some rest tonight, take care.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Thank you kindly. I really feel that is true - all I can do is heal myself, and that may by extension lead to healing in my brother. I feel it really is an energetic thing and when we shift it’s what opens up potential for other things/people to shift. I can see and know my brother’s good heart. I always want love to win over evil. I haven’t been able to find a shred of normal human warmth or connectivity in his current partner. It’s the coldest, most foreboding feeling I’ve ever had about another person. I fear for my brother’s future. He’s had extremely severe breakdowns after previous breakups. I think he thought he’d found his life partner with the current one. Goodness knows what will happen. I just have so much grief at the moment.

 I won’t keep writing about this here as this is meant to be dig’s thread. If I feel the need to I may start another thread in the grief and loss section, as this is where I’m at right now.

I hope you (and dig too) are having a lovely day,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

Indigo - yes, I have put the book aside for now. I may even return it to the library and re-borrow it again later. And, I have booked an appointment with my psychologist to debrief. It's not for a few weeks though, because she was going away. I still feel the stress in my body, tightness in my chest etc, but it is not as intense now. 

Both - I can relate to the difficulties with family members. My sister's husband is very difficult and probably narcissistic. He's very particular about how things are done, and gets angry at my sister if she does it 'wrong'. I worry about my sister in this relationship. I have struggled with it for years. But, on the other hand, it is her choice to live that way. She deals with the trauma of our past in a very different way to me. For her, playing 'happy families' is very important. So I try to be accepting of her husband, and also limit my contact with him as much as possible, to protect myself. Also, my sister has a relationship with our mother. So I have to avoid seeing my sister and my nephew when my mother is there. It can be so hard at times, and draining, to navigate all the dynamics. That's on my mum's side. On my dad's side, I have had to pull away from my aunty (dad's sister) because she became very cruel towards me when my dad died and she was trying to take things that had been left to me in the Will. It was awful and very upsetting. I have chosen not to see her anymore since my dad's death and I just send a text message every now and then. Thankfully, I have been able to retain a close relationship with my cousins on that side, but sometimes it's awkward when they want to catch up with their mum (my aunty) and me but I say no, I can't. Again, hard at times, and draining, to navigate all the dynamics.  

Eagle Ray - I really feel for you and what you are going through with your brother. That's awful - the impact of your brother's partner. I can only imagine the inner conflict of wanting a relationship with your brother, but also too, needing to protect your inner child/baby. And the grief and emotional turmoil must be immense. Sending you big hugs. The beautiful healing and precious bonding that took place with your mother before she died is nonretractable. Even though your mother was shattered after your brother had a go at her, the moments you had with your mother remained in tact because they had already happened. Nothing and no-one can take that away from you. I don't know if that makes sense or is comforting in any way....  

I am in a lot of pain at the moment with Endometriosis. And some health issues have returned, that I thought I had got rid of. And I am really stressed about my income protection ending in a few weeks! If someone asked me how I am, I would probably say, "I'm good", but I know I can be more honest than that here. I'm struggling....  

take care,

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Dear dig,

 I really empathise with your situation with family members you no longer have contact with and how that makes it tricky navigating things in family situations. I totally understand how draining that is. I have an aunty I’ve just gone no contact with for similar reasons. She also felt entitled to my parents things since they died. She actually physically took things the last time she visited me that she was “borrowing”. She has done so many unpleasant and untrustworthy things now it’s made it easier for me to decide on no contact. But that does also now make things a bit more complicated in relation to other family members, so I get that difficulty you are dealing with.

 I can see how it’s been challenging for you in that your sister as a “happy families” approach, and you can see some of the dysfunction and are trying to protect yourself from that while still supporting your sister. It can be exhausting sometimes and because you are sensitive and intuitive you would be aware of and impacted by all of the stuff going on.

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting comments re: the healing work my mother and I did. You are absolutely correct - it is un-retractable. I know she took that healing karma, whatever you want to call it, with her when she died. I’ve had profound experiences literally from the moment she was dying to many moments of communication since, that have told me her spirit is ok and that healing is intact. What has happened to me is I’ve gone back into the body memory of witnessing and feeling her distress, and that’s when I lose sight of the healing that happened and can feel anguished. But it is all actually ok. She is really ok now and my Dad too. I’ve had profound communications from both of them (maybe too way out to put on this forum), but from what I’ve experienced now I know we continue in spirit in a different dimension. It’s outside any kind of space and time relativity.

 I am so sorry you have the endometriosis to deal with. I worked with someone who had it and it really made me aware just how debilitating it can be. It was so, so difficult for her. I understand the stress too with the income protection coming to an end. I wonder if your body needs more healing time? Would even your GP be able to support you in some way where you could get some more time off?

As my mental and physical health both totally collapsed I was forced onto a Jobseeker payment, but with a disability employment agency where I have had some flexibility in terms of dealing with both the liver disease I have and complex ptsd. I’m wondering if you can somehow get support in relation to both the complex ptsd and other health issues you are facing? I’m not sure what your current work situation is.

The job agency I’m with and my psychologist have been encouraging me to apply for DSP. A few months back it seemed I had to. Then I improved on a new medication and find myself wanting to not go on the DSP, and yet it is probably the most sensible thing to apply for it for my health. I feel so conflicted over it. I’m not necessarily suggesting the DSP for you. I’m just thinking if there is a way to get support to at least extend time to support the healing in your body and from complex trauma. I really get that stressed feeling re: returning to work when not feeling ready. I know I have broken down completely and severely and I’m still trying to recover which I’ve learned is a gradual process. I’m just trying to think what will support you best to heal. I find listening to the body is key and then trying to move forward in alignment with that.

Thinking of you dig and I really hope things ease up for you with regard to your health and the feeling of struggling. I always say “I’m good” too to people, but increasingly getting it is important to acknowledge when struggling and be gentle and kind with yourself.

Take care. And you too indigo - I hope you are doing ok.

ER

[indigo22]

Hi dig and ER,

dig, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, I am here for both of you so please talk it through if you are comfortable. With your psych away at present, it may help to offload a bit here.

ER, I hope you are okay and the grief is manageable, please reach out if you need to talk.

I really wish I could give you both a big hug in person, but a cyber hug is the next best thing, so big hugs to you both.

I hope your week treats you well,

Indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly indigo. I can feel the grief has lessened a bit tonight. Giving you a big hug too 🤗

[indigo22]

ER, I think our previous posts went up at the same time.

I think both of you should apply for DSP. It will give you peace of mind and reduce your stress levels when you are not feeling well and you can work a few hours when you are feeling well. Just wanted to put that out there. I have been on it for a few years now. Please just think a bit more about it.

indigo