i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi dig & ER,

Wow dig, great to hear how much the acupuncture is helping you release and rewire. I had a feeling that was going to be something that would help you.

This is just a short message again, I wanted to let you know that I heard back about Gabor's film. It will be part of day 5 and there will be 48 hours to watch same as the rest. Look forward to hearing what you both think of it.

Enjoy your weekend both,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi again,

I meant to mention that I am listening to Sharon Salzberg Metta Hour Podcast (episode 196) with Gabor Mate and I started getting a few aha moments about a third of the way in, I haven't finished it yet but I think you would really enjoy this one ER. It's pretty easy to find on the internet with the info I have given you.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo and dig,

Thank you indigo about the Wisdom of Trauma film. I will definitely watch it. Of the current session so far I have particularly enjoy Zak Williams and Aghu Appasani, Nykol Rice and Michael Sapiro, and Elissa Epel. I’m looking forward to the others. I’ve practised Wim Hof stuff a bit including the cold showers and breathing technique. I have to take care with the breathing one as it initially really strongly activates my sympathetic nervous system and elevates my blood pressure for a few hours. It initially sends me into a primal trauma state. But then my system really recalibrates and my blood pressure completely normalises and my breathing too. I used it to come off blood pressure meds successfully a few months ago. But it is one to be careful with if you have any heart or blood pressure issues, and also deep, embedded trauma issues. I only have to do a few of the breaths and it activates the process quite strongly. Wim Hof like me had significant birth trauma and said he believes his life’s quest and the path he has followed has been to heal that initial trauma. I can really relate to that and feel I have been trying to heal this primal trauma ever since too. These approaches where you do something physically have a much more beneficial effect for me than cognitive approaches. I’m planning on starting some cold water morning swims as well.

Right now I am sitting on my favourite rocky hill by the ocean with the waves rolling in. It is a place where I am always held safely.

Wishing you both a nurturing weekend.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo, just seeing your post about Sharon and Gabor. Thank you, I will definitely watch the podcast. I find all of this so helpful 🙏

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo and dig,

Indigo, I can see the Wisdom of Trauma is now available for viewing. I'm going to watch it tomorrow. I listened to the Sharon and Gabor podcast while making dinner tonight. It was very good and a reminder of recognising where we may have disconnected with our authentic self as a child in order to fulfil the expectations of those around us. I know I did that and have repeated those patterns over and over as an adult, and I'm finally learning now how to live my life for me, for the first time in a way. Thanks again for the heads up about all these things.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

Hey thanks Indigo for pointing out that the film was on today's program. I would have glossed right over it and gone straight to the speakers. I watched the Wisdom of Trauma film today - very powerful. I like Gabor's take on trauma. That the traumatised person is covering up the healthy individual that has not been able to have expression. And that trauma is not that the child was hurt, but that they did not have anyone to share it with, so they were completely alone, and then they disconnect from themselves and their emotions. I can totally relate to that. And the two needs, which are a survival necessity, of Attachment and Authenticity. I know lots about the theory of attachment and how important it is in early life. But I hadn't considered the importance of "authenticity" - the ability to follow one's gut feelings. I am guessing that for me, this was thwarted very early in my childhood. It felt like I was a piece of plasticine and I was being molded into a certain shape. It is only now that I am disentangling myself from that shape, and discovering the healthy individual underneath.

That's interesting, your response to the Wim Hof breathing, Eagle Ray. I watched Wim Hof yesterday. I have seen short snippets of him talk before, but this was good to get a bit longer. I like his analogy of being "strong like a bison" who is impervious to all the elements of the wild. I was doing 30 seconds of cold water at the end of the shower & cold water swims in the rockpools earlier this year, but I kept getting a cold & sinus infection, so I may have been putting my body under too much stress. I like his phrase "I don't only know what to do, I feel what to do", and that the feeling and thinking comes from the inside. I really like that concept of building up resilience and mental/emotional toughness, and that it's necessary from an evolutionary perspective to be strong and ready in order to deal with threats & tough times.

I also really enjoyed one of the earlier talks by Charlie Engle, the running guy. He talked about putting himself in difficult situations in preparation for the day when the moment of despair is too much and he feels like giving up. So all his running is preparing for that day when he feels like relapsing (drug addiction). I also liked his phrase, "I can only run what's in front of me today; I can't run tomorrow's miles today".   

I just listened to Shamani Jain on biofield science and using sound and vibration to shift energy. Very interesting talk with a fun exercise using the voice. I liked the bit about not only the importance of releasing energy (in trauma healing) but also to bring in NEW energy into the system - to replenish the energy stores in the body. Through movement, exercise, sound, singing, eating well etc etc. And I also liked the bit about "earthing" and feeling a "bioenergetic connection to the Earth" and fostering the "flow of electromagnetic energy" between us and the Earth. I know that I "connect" with nature, but I had never really thought about it like that before - an energy flow. Did anyone else listen to that one?   

Eagle Ray, yes, I could relate to the talk about post-traumatic growth. And how it is such a huge expectation to place on someone who is recovering from trauma. My friend said, "what's the good that has come of it?" about my trauma. I said, nothing. It was just quite simply, awful. I also noticed how much pressure I put on myself when I first had my breakdown, almost 2 years ago. I kept thinking, I had better keep a thorough journal so I can write a book later about my experience. Or maybe I will become a public speaker and advocate for mental health. Or maybe perform a whole show about my life, like Hannah Gadsby did in "tem Steps to Nanette"....... Far out!! soooooooooooo much pressure!!!!! Anyway, I have let that go. If I get a few lines of song lyrics out of it, I will be happy, haha 😉     

I hope you have both had a nourishing weekend. 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Dear dig and indigo,

I watched The Wisdom of Trauma today too. I found it very moving. I found the way they showed peoples' faces at the beginning and end so moving. I actually have trouble with facial recognition, I think because my mother couldn't bond and interact with me and my father was emotionally unavailable by the time I have conscious memories, so to this day I really have trouble recognising faces. But I could really see those faces in the film and the emotions in them, and it was so powerful. It was such a compassionate film. I too can can relate to being pushed away from my authenticity as a child and moulded according to what others wanted, and I'm now breaking that mould - finally! I've watched and read quite a lot of Gabor's stuff, but it was particularly powerful seeing the film that brings all his knowledge and experience together.

I'm not a super avid follower of Wim Hof but I have been helped by it to some extent, and it was really interesting how it stabilised my blood pressure. But I also think it is a delicate balance if you have trauma where you have to be a bit careful with it as your system is already super sensitive, so you don't want to over stress your nervous system. I know it is based on the premise we are meant to be exposed to the elements of nature, to hot and cold, to wind and rain and sun, to physical exertion etc, but that our worlds have become so sterile and controlled with air conditioning, a sedentary existence etc. We very much need to come alive and become "strong like the bison". It naturally regulates our nervous system which is also a great protector against stress. So I totally agree with him, but I think the process needs to be calibrated to the individual and where their nervous system is at. I liked how he had the giant teddy bear on one side, the guitar on the other and the big bison picture behind him 😂 I love his enthusiasm.

Yes, I enjoyed Charlie Engle too. Today I have only managed to watch the film so far. I do want to see Shamani Jain because I'm really interested in sound healing. I'll be really interested to hear about biofield science. I get really strong energetic feelings in different landscapes. I totally connect with wild environments. It is actually my medicine. So that will be of great interest to me.

Yes, I used to think maybe I can help others as I recover from trauma stuff, and maybe that will happen, but the role I was chronically forced into from a young age was being a helper/carer/support person, so in a way I think, at least for a while, I need to not be in that kind of role. And I agree that trauma recovery does not have to mean something in that way, like you then have to do something grand to be an advocate etc. At a very simple level now I just want to live a happy, peaceful life. And, yes, heaps cool dig if you can get some song lyrics out of it! I actually used to write songs and wrote another for the first time in years a few months ago. Creativity can be transformative.

I hope you have both had a nourishing weekend too. Take care,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER and dig,

I will have a lot to say when I get a couple more things out the way, but for now I just want to say I am glad you both enjoyed the film, it affects me at a very deep level. More on that later.

Talk again soon

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig and indigo,

I just watched Shamini Jain. I really liked her session and how these integrated approaches working with energy in the body are becoming more mainstreamed and understood as a core part of mental health. I found doing the vocal practices really helpful. I've been ruminating on a complex family issue today and my overtaxed brain really calmed down and became more peaceful. I really related to that grounding connection in nature and with animals too. The biofield is so interesting. Off to bed now.

Talk soon,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

Eagle Ray, I thought you would be able to relate to the "grounding/earthing" and feeling a bioenergetic connection to the Earth, in Shamini's talk. I also got so much out of listening to Mark Coleman - he talked about humans as an outdoor species, and that we feel more at home outdoors in nature. You have mentioned that a lot in your posts Eagle Ray - feeling at home in nature. I could really resonate with Mark talking about mindfulness being easy in nature, because nature allures our attention. I also got a lot out of Rick Hanson's talk on slowing things down and taking in the good. I liked his 3 "neurological hacks" to short-circuit rumination, be aware of everything as a whole, raise your gaze to the horizon, and notice the sensations of the body breathing.    

I also liked both Emiliana Simon-Thomas talking about humans as an "ultra social species", and Mavis Tsai talking about "creating extraordinary interactions". Mavis did a very moving and powerful meditation on seeing deeply into another person. And a dialogue with Cassandra, taking turns asking questions to bring about closeness. So beautiful 🙂 

I am very tired and wiped out today. I have been taking in so much information over the past 6 days of the summit. I feel that I need to just sit with it all, and integrate the learning....... 

I have had a couple of 'A-ha' moments that have dropped in, whilst integrating the Wisdom of Trauma film. I can relate to Gabor talking about being a doctor so that he is needed. I can see that my roles in helping professions were the same - I needed to feel wanted & needed, to cover the pain of rejection from my childhood. And since I have not been working, for almost 2 years, it's like I have taken that band aid away and I have had to face the pain that I was covering up. And secondly, I feel a sense of privilege to BE-HERE-NOW, healing the trauma of my ancestors - the intergenerational trauma. I am healing the wounds that they could not heal. It has helped me to reframe my life, from "why did I have suffer all this pain and trauma?" to, "wow, what a privilege to be the one to heal the trauma of my ancestral line". So profound!! Eagle Ray, yes, I felt deeply moved by the faces in the opening and closing of the film, too. I felt like I was truly seeing those people as human beings. Indigo, I am looking forward to hearing your comments on the film when you're ready to share. It sounds like you were deeply moved, too.

I am going to rest now...

dig