How to know if something I vaguely "remember" really happened?

[Mil]

Hi,

Disclaimer: I'm not pretending to be suffering from PTSD or trauma, nor am I implying that anyone else but me might have "fabricated" memories. I'm posting this here because I know in some cases traumatic memories can be "buried" so I suppose there are techniques to recover them or ways to deal with "not knowing" that could be shared in this space. I trust the admins to move the post if it isn't in the right place and apologise if anyone feels offended by this.

This is difficult and I'm only writing about it because this forum is anonymous. I have disturbing "memories" that I am questioning. Something might have happened between my half-brother and me when I was (I think) around 8 - he would have been around 13 then. I'm questioning it because my brother is a good person and because I have always had a very active imagination, vivid dreams and unfortunately I did lie often as a kid (nothing bad though, I can't remember ever making up a story to get someone in trouble). There's also the fact that I can remember thinking about sexual things from a pretty early age, so it's not impossible that I would have "invented" the events. I generally have a pretty poor memory - I don't remember a lot from my early years and I am known to forget entire conversions, or remember them incorrectly. I know it isn't unusual for childhood memories to get embellished/amplified/distorted etc. and that "fake memories" are a thing.
On the other side, why would I make such things up? I've always admired my brother. We weren't very close until my later teen years because of the age difference. My parents did once say I was a bit in his shadow and that I sort of got out of my shell when he left for university. I've never felt this way though. The "memories" don't include any physical coercion and aren't horrific. I can only remember two instances. They are vague around the act in itself but also entail very specific details, just like other childhood memories that are true for sure.

So how to know if this was real??? Do I even need to know given that I don't suffer from any major disorder, "only" from mild anxiety and low self-esteem? Wouldn't I be way more messed up if it was true? But what if this is just waiting to blow up in my face?
And if it's not true, does it mean I'm a really disturbed pathological liar and don't even know it? I feel physically horrible writing these things.

Can hypnosis help? Has anyone here tried it for a similar problem?

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

OK you now have a psychologist, and she may well suspect there is somethng you are very uncomfortable about. Do not feel bad about saying prevaracating, that is a trivial matter psychologists hear all the time, probably just another way of saying I don't think I'm ready.

I'd imagine one of your worries is that conversations with another might make you 'remember' facts that did not happen.

Whichever way, true or not, I can't see you as either very messed up, or wasting people's time. You are simply a person with a worrying problem. I've fond in the past the worry is probably more destructive than whatever it was I was worryng about, and even in the cases where I had been correct I was able in time to cope ok wit the news.

Maybe implanted false memory is possible, dunno, never for me, but I am just one person.

I'd be tempted to take a week or so and write down as complete an account of the memory as you are able, with all possible detail. I'd say bluntly at the top it might be fact or fancy.

However before doing this I'd talk over the rightness of this technique with your psych to ensure it s not something harmful for you to do. You might for example need someone nearby, or she may judge it not appropriate at all in your case.

If written by you and then read by someone who has experience in child abuse it may make matters a lot clearer. For exam they may see patterns in your writing they recognize. Plus it has all come from you with no suggestions from others.

It would be great to know for sure, though if something did happen you then have the equally disturbing problem of what to do about it i.e. approach you brother or remain silent.

Sometimes we never do find answers, and that can be OK too.

Croix

[Mil]

Thank you so much for sharing your insight Croix. I feel calmer today. Once I'm more comfortable with the psych (it'll take me a while even if she seems nice) I guess I could say that I have a disturbing "memory" that I'm not sure actually happened, without going into details, then see what she suggests from there. It seems ok to admit that, but probably not recount the actual "memory". If she thinks writing is ok, I'll give it a try.

But first work on dealing with anxiety, which will probably help me be in a better position to address this, so I should focus on the present task and stop worrying about the future steps - not easy to do though. Writing here does kind of help me be prepared with what might happen/what I might be able to do or not, so thank you.

Mil

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

I think you are quite safe and within bounds discussing with your psych the timing and releasing methods for possible memories.

The only other thought I had was that maybe your anxiety is in fact partly caused by your not knowing what had happened and what had not.

Maybe you might like to discuss this with your psych too? After all perhaps it is one of those "Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself" situations invented by an American:)

Croix

[Mil]

Hi Croix,

Yes, for sure. That's why I finally went to get help. But it's something I've held secret for a long time, so not easy to let out, to make it into a Thing that is Spoken About.

At the same time there is this kind of urge to get rid of it, blurt it out, almost so it's not mine anymore. But the rational part of me knows that's not going to make it magically disappear. Also I'm concerned that if I share too much too quickly then I will "run away".

So, small steps. Just trying to feel safe and learning how to express difficult feelings out loud.

Mil