How to know if something I vaguely "remember" really happened?

[Mil]

Hi,

Disclaimer: I'm not pretending to be suffering from PTSD or trauma, nor am I implying that anyone else but me might have "fabricated" memories. I'm posting this here because I know in some cases traumatic memories can be "buried" so I suppose there are techniques to recover them or ways to deal with "not knowing" that could be shared in this space. I trust the admins to move the post if it isn't in the right place and apologise if anyone feels offended by this.

This is difficult and I'm only writing about it because this forum is anonymous. I have disturbing "memories" that I am questioning. Something might have happened between my half-brother and me when I was (I think) around 8 - he would have been around 13 then. I'm questioning it because my brother is a good person and because I have always had a very active imagination, vivid dreams and unfortunately I did lie often as a kid (nothing bad though, I can't remember ever making up a story to get someone in trouble). There's also the fact that I can remember thinking about sexual things from a pretty early age, so it's not impossible that I would have "invented" the events. I generally have a pretty poor memory - I don't remember a lot from my early years and I am known to forget entire conversions, or remember them incorrectly. I know it isn't unusual for childhood memories to get embellished/amplified/distorted etc. and that "fake memories" are a thing.
On the other side, why would I make such things up? I've always admired my brother. We weren't very close until my later teen years because of the age difference. My parents did once say I was a bit in his shadow and that I sort of got out of my shell when he left for university. I've never felt this way though. The "memories" don't include any physical coercion and aren't horrific. I can only remember two instances. They are vague around the act in itself but also entail very specific details, just like other childhood memories that are true for sure.

So how to know if this was real??? Do I even need to know given that I don't suffer from any major disorder, "only" from mild anxiety and low self-esteem? Wouldn't I be way more messed up if it was true? But what if this is just waiting to blow up in my face?
And if it's not true, does it mean I'm a really disturbed pathological liar and don't even know it? I feel physically horrible writing these things.

Can hypnosis help? Has anyone here tried it for a similar problem?

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

Welcome to the Forum, I can understand what a puzzle this must be to you. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression and have had memory difficulties with some things coming into 'focus' a long time after the events. I've also had hypnosis - a long time ago - which did not really help with memories at all, that's just my experience though.

I can relate to a sort of blurring of past facts, and of things coming to attention much later on. I'm not at all sure that my symptoms can be used as a means of judging your memories though. One thing I'm sure of is that you are not a" a really disturbed pathological liar". You are simply someone who has a puzzle and does not know it's significance.

I guess the best way to view things might be a practical one. You said you suffer from anxiety and low self esteem. It is very hard for one person to judge how severe these traits are, they could be better or worse than you think. In your shoes I'd seek the judgment of a professional who can form an opinion as to your condition.

In the meantime if your memories are not causing you distress I'd leave things until you have discussed them with that professional. I am not a doctor but would imaging not all memories involving things that might have happened automatically lead to PTSD or other illnesses. Similarly having doubt as to if you remember something is pretty normal, my memory is terrible at times. Although it is a very trivial example there are times I can't remember if I've been to a particular place in the past, or just talked about it.

So please don't brood about it and imagine the worst, just get a professional's view and take it from there. You are in control of things and I'm sure will be OK whatever happens.

Croix

[Mil]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer, Croix. I know I have to go to a psychologist (originally wanted to go to learn how to deal with my anxiety) and I'm trying to go see one but it's scaring me more than I thought (been thinking/talking about going for 1-2 years, still haven't actually done it). There's a chance it's because I'm terrified of having to examine this particular issue. Just writing about it is making me extremely uneasy and anxious. I think I am generally OK though, I have a good relationship with my brother, I am lucky to have a great partner, and don't feel like this has completely poisoned my life. I'm just afraid it might change if I start digging, but also that if I don't, it might come back to me with an ugly bang later in life. Right now it is only causing distress if I think about it/if something reminds me of it. But I can't even picture myself talking about the possible events to someone. The only person I've ever told something of it was a uni friend, and it's only because I had been drinking and we were lying in the dark so she couldn't see my face and I couldn't see hers. We've drifted apart since then. I also cannot tell my girlfriend because I feel like it would taint her relationship with my brother, when I don't even know if it happened. I guess writing about it here is me trying to train myself to discuss it...
Anyway I really appreciate your response. I think my decision to consciously acknowledge the issue is due to the fact I now live in Australia when my family is in Europe. That means I don't have to go through the agony of thinking about these things while seeing them regularly. Although saying this makes me feel horrible, given that I miss them and that they're great people.

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

My psychiatrist told me the reason I was remembering stuff was because I was in a position to do so, in other words I'd improved. Perhaps you have reached that stage too, I'm just guessing.

I do think that the memories - real or otherwise - are taking up a lot of your attention, worry and stress. For that reason I'd think professional help was warranted. As I mentioned before you are in charge, and use the avenues available to you to stop the anxiety.

I would also think that writing things down first (or printing out your first post) and sharing it with your doctor would be easier than trying to explain by word of mouth. I've done that and it has worked pretty well. I don't forget, get confused or chicken out, and the doctor gets a clear picture.

In your shoes I'd discuss the fear of what happens when you dig into things with the doctor, and go from there. Your life sounds full of guesswork and conjecture, not a good way to be long term, I'd imagine it would make anxiety worse.

Having a great partner is a wonderful thing. Leaving aside memories for the moment is she able to understand your anxiety and support you? I found my wife was just about the most important thing for me.

Croix

[Mil]

Dear Croix,

You're right. Right now everything is guesswork. Luckily this isn't my whole life. Although I am a worrier, it's mostly intellectual and although I am feeling anxious and just generally horrible when thinking/talking/writing about this, my emotions are very much in the present, meaning when my partner comes home from work I will just feel the joy of seeing her 🙂 in pleasant cases it's great but in difficult situations it's hard to remember these are just emotions and not the whole reality.
Yes, she is very supportive of my mental health and has been encouraging me to talk to a professional about my anxiety and somewhat low self-esteem. She is also seeing a psychologist (she has OCD and associated depression but is now mostly in control) and as she has a curious mind she has also read a lot about mental well-being, relearning healthier patterns etc. So she is very helpful but I also don't want to unload all my worrying on her as she has her own "demons". Hence the need to go see a therapist.
I did think of communicating in writing. I don't think I am ready to talk about it face to face. My plan is to just go for anxiety at the moment. I only need to take that first step.

I'm glad you also have a supportive wife. You must be very resilient as it seems you have survived pretty dark moments. I'm thankful you're here to help others and it gives me courage!

Mil

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

I'm very glad you are finding talking here a help, it is very easy to feel all alone. I too have found the understanding of others that have been there has made a difference.

From the sound of it both you and your wife had enough experience to understand and support each other. The only other thing I'd like to say at the moment is that at times I too have not wanted to 'burden' my partner. When circumstances have ended up forcing my had I've found she was a lot stronger than I gave her credit for, and also known me quite well enough to have a pretty good idea of the problem

Actually when I relied upon her as an equal it was a load off both our backs

Croix

[Mil]

Hi Croix,

That's an interesting point - I've never thought of her as anything less than equal, but maybe "withholding" could be seen as patronising. She has already proven she is very strong and resilient. OCD might, at times, have her feel distressed about things that would seem trivial to another person, but in face of adversity she is remarkable. She has battled her illness all alone most of her life but was still able to recognise when to get help (which to me is a sign of strength). Sadly I feel like if I was sure that my memories were real, I would be more inclined to talk about it because at least I would be certain, within myself, I am not making false accusations. Of course it would be a terrible experience, but the uncertainty makes the shame double in a way.

Anyway I am taking the first steps (applying to Medicare for which I only recently became eligible) towards actually making the appointment. You said hypnosis didn't help you personally on the memory aspect - could I ask if it was of any help overall?

Thanks again for your advice and sharing your experience.

[Mil]

Hi Croix,

Just an update on this - it's taken me a year, but I finally had my first session with a psychologist last week. It's too early to tell, but she made a good impression on me so I hope I can built the trust/courage to address this issue somewhere down the track.

I hope you are doing well and thank you again for your support!

Mil

[Croix]

Dear Mil~

It's nice to hear from you again. It seems to me it is all good news, getting trireme with someone that seems like they will click.Dealing with annxiety condition is necessary and worth while in itself.

No hypnotherapy has not unearthed any memories at all, it was used for a different reason. The only memory it did reveal was a peaceful scene from my chldhod which I treat as a mental 'safe place and object of relaxation. What I have found over later years is that memories that where not present or hazy have come into focus as time has gone one, and with such clarity I am aware they were very real.

I did not seek them out and thy came unasked (not anything I enjoyed/enjoy).

Have you considered the fact there neither you nor your brother are the same people today? You mention a good relationship. Perhaps if it was me I might leave that area until it either fades or comes into focus, and then decide waht t do - what do you think?

Incidentally I don't see any harm in telling you psych there may be some event in your past, but specifically wish to leave it and concentrate on other matters at least for now.

Croix

[Mil]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your thoughtful answer as always.

That's kind of my plan. Anxiety is at the top of the agenda as it's what's kind of crippling me at the moment. I'm still kind of torn between wanting to go deeper to understand possible roots of my issues and NOT wanting to delve too much into stuff. I realise it's irrational, but I'm scared of either realising I'm very messed up or on the contrary that I'm just fine and wasting everyone's time.

I definitely don't feel like I should/could address the possible events right now. At the same time, I wish I could just get rid of the constant questioning whether it happened or not. It's become a bit more difficult to lay it to rest now that I've talked about it here. The psychologist asked kind of a general question in this line of things and I wasn't really able to answer. I guess it kind of made it clear we were not going to go there right now, but it also told her something, and I feel bad for not just saying "no". I just wish she could examine my memories without me having to say anything. Even if was able to tell her, then it's already subjective you know? That's why I was curious about hypnosis. Saying the words is too hard/unreliable and it won't even make me know for sure what is true since obviously even if she turns out to be a great psychologist she is no magician.

Sorry, I'm kind of going in circles. It's too early anyway to deal with any of this. I just have to blurt it out somewhere or it feels like I'll explode.

Thank you for listening.

Mil