Have no idea how to start this conversation

[EPett]

I can't stop drinking. I try, but it doesn't work. My parents are both gone, 2 brothers are gone, one from Cancer and the other from suicide. 2 sisters that are irrational and don't care, 1 brother that drops so many pills he thinks he is the normal one.. Another brother that thinks socializing is drinking.. where do I go from here.

I made a mistake and threw in a job and let go of my life. I was always in control even though I was drinking every day.

How did I let my life get like this

[EPett]

Hi Hayds, thank you for your post. I am sorry you have lost friends from substance abuse, I truly am. When you look at it, we are not here for ever, we have an end date, so why do you spend so much time hurting ourselves.It really does come down to life experience, what you have seen, heard and felt. When I drink mildly, I tend to think about the good things and am happy for that small time. When I drink heavily I remember the good and the bad, then the bad stuff takes over my thought process. I want to lash out verbally to the people that have hurt me. This has cost me alot in the friendship zone so now if I am going on a fender bender, I do it alone.. sad huh.

[Sophie_M]

Hi EPett,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums.

It sounds like you are going through a very overwhelming time, and because you have mentioned that you are feeling trapped and are currently in a very toxic household, we would like to check in to ensure your safety.

Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously and that you deserve to be a place where you feel safe.  We’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service to discuss your thoughts and feelings with one of our professional mental counsellors: 1300 22 4636 (24/7) or webchat (3pm-midnight AEST) www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

1800RESPECT is also a great resource that we’d suggest reaching out to for support - 1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/ .

We look forward to hearing from you. 
 

[Forward_only]

Hello EPett !

The little monster on your shoulder that is your addiction whispers in your ear "if you hide me, then no one will get on your back and you know you really enjoy having a drink and relaxing then. It makes you happy so let's do it !". I say this in hindsight of the control tobacco has over me lol it whispers that there are worse things in life than smoking, so it's ok to keep smoking right? It's silly, but the cost is what scares me way more than anything, yet I can still barely control my smoking, forget trying to quit ! Maybe you and I find the answer to quitting together. ..one day...certainly not right now, as having thought of quitting just talking about it makes me want to reach for a smoke instead of a book lol how's kitty Kat tonight? It's not just my addiction I have no control over...or any will power....Will power was non existent most of the day and those twinkle eyes won too many times and chocka had way more than his share of lambstrips today ! Sigh...! Lol

[geoff]

Hello EPett, this thread is drawing a lot of interest and that's a good thing.

With addiction do we have any willpower because it means we have to resist temptation, but as it begins to take over our body we need it to get on with our daily life, that's something we don't know about until it's too late.

The problem is when we drink heavily the negative thoughts may seem to take over and could be a reason why we lose friends and maybe our jobs, saying we'll do it tomorrow, the concern is, does tomorrow eventuate.

When you are applying for a new job your experience must carry a lot of weight, and different people move States for several reasons, the weather maybe to their liking or they have family and/or friends they want to be close to, so I hope you're lucky in finding work.

I hope you can continue this thread.

Geoff.

[EPett]

Hello Forward only,

Lol, I like your analogy of sneaking grog into my room. But to be realistic, I don't have to sneak it in. I am avoiding contact with my brother, he was high as anything yesterday and playing his music loudly. No one in the house could escape the loud music. I went for a walk and came back to the same thing. I am just trying to stay positive and find work so I can get my own space again and work on what needs to be worked on alcohol wise.

My little kitty kat is good, she stays in the room with me most of the time, she does venture out, but its not like the house we used to have, she loved it there and got settled. Here is a different story. She is happy because I play with her more now than I used to when living elsewhere and working.

I used to say to myself, everyone needs some sort of vice in life, whether it be smoking, drinking.. Never drugs for me, I think if I took to drugs that would be game over. My brother committed suicide, he had the best personality, would light up a room, then all of a sudden ended his life.  I do miss him and our talks, we were very close growing up. I guess no one could help him, not sure if he reached out to anyone...

My will power is zip here, lol, I do anything to get through the day. I just look forward to going for a walk and a phone call for a job interview.. Thats all I can do. oh and drink my stash of grog.. lol...

[EPett]

Thank you Sophie_M thank you for the contacts. I really appreciate it. 🙂

[EPett]

Hello Geoff

Thank you for your interest and best wishes for finding work. I made a mistake moving states.. There is not alot of work opportunities where I have moved. That was my mistake not looking into that before moving. So I am making the best of it trying to look for work outside of the state I moved to. I think once I get back to work thinks will change for a while and then I will probably relapse into drinking again. Drinking has a big hold on me because as I said it takes the edge off of loneliness. I could be in a room full of people at a function and still feel alone.. Its just the way I was brought up. I wasn't allowed to have friends or bring them home from school when I was a kid, so I guess I just carried on with that tradition. I don't blame my past or my upbringing, I just try to look at why I don't let people in, that has always been on me.

Anyhow, thank you so much for responding here to me. I really appreciate it. It gives me something to look forward to 🙂

[geoff]

Hello EPett, thanks for getting back to us we really appreciate that.

It's not your fault for not looking for work before you moved so don't blame yourself but I'd really like to talk to you about your loneliness and drinking, just as the others who have responded to you may also want to.

This is such an important issue, not only for you but for other people who may want to address, and I certainly have been through the same circumstances and know what you are saying.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Forward_only]

Hi EPett,

Sorry to hear about your current living arrangements. Fingers crossed it changes soon...just hang in there.

Pats for kitty Kat ! Chocka is sleeping atm. If humans didn't have these silly rules about us going in supermarkets, I could go with mummy to get more lambstrips ! Lol he doesn't like being left behind when I go out EPett ! Lol

Anyway..about that will power...if you ever find it can you email some to me please ? Lol

There you go, not that I'm encouraging you to drink but next one raise your drink and share a toast with me..."to willpower!" Lol

Hang in there...

[EPett]

Hi Geoff

Today I woke up, applied for a couple of jobs online then went for a walk. Came back and made breakfast for everyone which was greeted with a grump by one person who went into his 'bunker' and turned the music up so everyone can be uncomfortable in their surrounds. Like everyone has their own struggle in life, why do we have to dance around him on a daily basis. Some days I wish he didn't wake up. I know that sounds bad, but this is the torment he puts everyone through. I know its the drugs he is taking + the alcohol which has a counter active affect on him, but whilst he is taking this so called medication, it tends to make him a total selfish ahole. I moved into this not knowing what he was like. When we were growing up, he was totally different, very caring and non-selfish. In short, I need to get out of this place. A job, steady income is the ticket. I hope you are doing ok and sorry that you have been through the same stuff. All we want is a good happy life right. Why is it so hard.