Guilt over miscarriage

[Guest_922]

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

[Guest_922]

It’s been a while since I have posted here. It’s been a year and a half since loosing my son. The grief is still here. The swell can get incredibly high but it’s not as constricting anymore. Still I struggle feeling stuck in the void between. I have so much to be grateful and happy for but some nights the fog is so thick. I still cry daily and sometimes I am triggered and have intense memories and feelings of guilt, hurt and betrayal. My family have been mostly supportive but Samuel is rarely thought of now, rarely spoken. My husband and I have worked to repair our relationship and he has been really wonderful and reflective. but it’s the odd occasion that he reverts back to spontaneously drinking a whole bottle of spirits and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells trying desperately to keep the peace until he sleeps. It’s maybe twice a year and he has learned not to get aggressive anymore when like this but I still feel on alert and it stays with me for weeks. It’s this sort of selfishness that reminds me that he refused to help, refused me an ambulance. Just didnt think I was that sick - perhaps frustrated he had to care for the kids solo and missed his birthday. I don’t know. I should have just muster up my strength and walked to the car so he could drive and drop me off at emergency. Should have accepted his terms. And even though we have worked through all of this, he is more caring, responsive to my needs and the children somedays I just relive these moments and hate myself for not being more assertive. I do love him and forgive him but I can’t forget and I guess that’s what I find hard.

I hate that this is my life now and even though I can still have happy times, be successful there’s this part of me that is stuck back in that week in September 2017.

Sometimes I imagine that my boy survived. I do relaxation and once a week. I lie completely still in a room full of people and imagine a life with my boy. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don’t want to wake. I don’t feel I’m depressed. I just miss my son. I miss being his mum. I’m not suicidal. I live for my two other children who are just beautiful, creative wildlings. But I’m also not afraid of dying. I know when my time comes I will get my chance to be his mum again.

Not it sure why I’m posting. Lonely probably.

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

It is absolutely fine to return when you need to talk. There is no obligation here to post unless you want or need to.

I'm glad you reached out. Your post and the emotions you describe sound understandable to me. Are you still seeing anyone offline for support? It sounds like a good time to check in and review your health.

As always I don't feel like I have anything of use to say but I do care and am listening if you would like to talk about Samuel.

❤ Nat

[Guest_922]

Hi Nat

thanks for replying I wasn’t sure I would get one. I have touched base with my gp this weekend who is helping me my anxiety and ptsd. I was seeing my psychologist regularly but haven’t made time since the school year has begun and yes I probably need to continue my work with them as they were very helpful to me last year. I find my grief is quite cyclic and writing helps as it’s difficult to talk to family who don’t really want to know or acknowledge it. Writing here is helpful for me even if people can take away my grief and hurt. Being heard and allowed to feel the way I do is also important for me.

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

What you wrote makes sense to me. Sometimes I do feel like friends and family can only take so much and then I have to find other ways to offload.

Have you mentioned to your family though that you are struggling? Perhaps they might surprise you by needing to talk too?

Writing helps a lot for me too. I'm glad you saw your GP again. Returning to talk to someone is worth making time for. Even if you just phone the helplines it is important to put aside that time for your own care.

By the way I think you replied to my bullying thread (still getting used to your new username). It really helped to have your insight so thank you.

I hope you are feeling a little better today and spending the long weekend caring for yourself too.

❤ Nat

[Guest_922]

Thanks Nat. Some of my posts are very intense and family had come across them and we’re overly happy. so I asked for a name change that wasn’t too obvious. Sorry for the confusion.

[Quercus]

Not a worry. I can understand being worried about what family think. Part of the appeal of the forums is the anonymous nature. When people recognise you or know your username it can feel limiting.

That said... It is your space to express what you need to and sometimes it can be a matter of "don't like, don't read".

How are you feeling today?

[Guest_922]

It’s been a bit tough Nat. I have two other kids and one has become the focus of some school mums lately and the other one of my kids has special needs. I struggle with the stigma we get and the gossip or suspicions that get place on my neurotypical confident and assertive child. Don’t get me wrong the diagnosis that my first born received has changed his life for the better. He is still the same beautiful boy he has always been but we now know how to support him. It’s just a shame that some people look for all the cracks and make judgements and assumptions. I’m sure it’s their own insecurities but as a mum I just want to protect my kids from it. Sometime I feel I don’t advocate well for my kids and I accept blame for everything. I hate conflict and the. Feel like I didn’t fight hard enough. Mum guilt. My anxiety is quite high and impacts my sleep.

[Quercus]

Bleh. The criticisms and judgements of other parents suck. There is no polite way to say it.

It is hard to just ignore them and shut them out because from what I've seen if the parent group dislikes you it does affect whether your children are invited to playdates etc. But at the same time what they think or say is worth squat. When someone is judging your child it hurts. And my gut at least says defend and protect and shut them all out.

I was told once (when I felt like a Mum's group was rejecting my son) that as long as he is happy and they toe the line and are kind to his face to just let it go. In a week or two they'll find some other poor kid to judge and another parent to try make feel inadequate.

That is one approach. But I don't agree (I chose the approach of if that is the attitude you're teaching your kids I'd rather my son finds better friends). Are there any parents who aren't being judgemental asshats? Those are the ones to befriend 😊.

As to parental anxiety and guilt. You're not alone. Not in the slightest. We do the best we can. And yes you are doing everything you can. We are so good at being hard on ourselves.

Do you think your grief about Samuel might be having an impact on the amount of guilt and anxiety you feel? Any chance you are considering going back to talk to someone Elaria?

You are a great Mum. Not everything is in your control or your fault. Please try to show yourself the same compassion you would show to me of I were in your shoes.

❤ Nat

[Guest_922]

Yes I think my grief does play significantly into my parental guilt. I keep thinking that I just need to move on. Easier said than done but I have begun studying again this year. It was an application process and I was very lucky to be accepted and have it all paid for.

I thought that by moving on and taking steps to change my career and workplace that things would feel different and new and perhaps they will. but tonight every question kept leading me back to why I want to move in this direction and I found myself telling the bitter story of loosing my child and how my work environment and stressors played a role in this. As much as I want to say these things happen, no one could have known or prevented it, I have analysed the week leading up to it over and over and have attributed blame to so many people myself included. In the end I felt so alone, unsupported and even when I asked for help people ignored me - had higher expectations. I can’t help but feel this way. I know things would have been different in a different school, time and place. I’m resentful and worried that this part of my story will be linked to my career development because my desire to leave my current workplace and seek promotion is now tied to his death. I feel more sense of urgency to this, even though it was always a career progression for me.

Somedays I catch myself thinking if my child survived I wouldn’t have this opportunity now. I wouldn’t be aiming for this. I would be blissfully uncaring about career development. I would be an attentive mother of three actively assisting in my children’s school and loving it. They would feel safe and secure and thriving. Don’t get me wrong my kids are happy and doing well but it would be different. I’m also happy and excited to be progressing my career but part of me feels that somewhere in a parallel universe there was this other life for me and it was great and didn’t know this kind of pain.

I cant imagine this feeling ever changing. I also realise I am discussing several thoughts all in one and so this post might be slightly confusing. Sorry if it is.

i have booked back into see my psychologist.

[Guest_922]

A restless place for sleeping


This room once filled with quiet sleeping still
This room once soft and warm.
This room once a place for creative thoughts and retreat.
This room of love you were born.
This room once resounded with squeals and joy
This room once woken with little patters of noise
This room once placed with hope and prayer
This room of dreams we would welcome you there.
This room now cold, restless and damp
This room eyes dart and sleep is scant
This room where dreams break and fleet
This room my secure blanket frays and weeps
This room beside my bed is bare
This room where your crib should stand - not there
This room where your ashes now lay in rest on mantle, a necklace heart breaks turns the mobile.
This room my solace filled with silence not stillness.
This room forever wondering, searching and fleeting of presence.
This room a restless place for sleeping.