Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[pipsy]

Hi Sherie. While your situation is a bit different, in that you were an adult, it doesn't make what happened any less traumatic. No-one regardless of age should be victimized. We all deserve to be respected. Children and adults all suffer in many ways from assault. I think I also had PTSD for a while, can't say for sure as I'm not too sure what the symptoms would be. I know for a long time I didn't trust men, but my reaction was different to perhaps yours or Kiamua's, in that I never felt dirty or ashamed. I was angry because my mum chose to turn a blind eye. My abuser still lives (I presume), but his life is miserable. My mother's family have chosen to wipe him out of their lives. He can't work due to the fact of unreliability, he's a liar, a drunk. The way his life is now means to me, he has been paid back far worse than what he did to me. I suppose I could say karma. What goes around, comes around. My life is full and rich. I'm hoping Kiamua will make some progress in getting the help he needs and through that, learn to love and respect himself. He sounds a great guy with the potential to go far in his life.

Thank you so much for sharing Sherie, I understand how difficult it must have been for you, but all it means to me is you trust me enough to share. You also are a wonderful, caring person.

Lynda.

[Guest_5218]

Thanks Lynda. (-:

Morning Kiamau. I hope you had a decent sleep last night. I'm not sure if you're working or not.

But whatever you are up to today, I hope you feel safe and happy.

Sherie xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Kiamau

Hello and welcome. I hope you are still reading your thread even if you feel you cannot reply.

I know how hard it is to write your story on BB or to tell anyone what happened in your life. Thank you for talking about it. Other people are also afraid and reading your story may help them to come forward, as it were, and talk about their traumas. We are not a counseling service, but we do understand the pain people have when they have been so deeply hurt.

Talking about your life can start the healing process. Your uncle still has some power over you every time you avoid the issue and say you can manage on your own. Have you asked your brother and sister if they were abused? Although your uncle said he would leave them alone, do you think it is likely he would keep that promise. Speaking out may also help your siblings if they were abused.

When I was a teenager an older man attempted to assault me. For a while I was quite scared, then one day I confided to a friend. It was then I discovered that she and another friend had gone through the same experience. I'm old enough to be your grandmother, so you can imagine there were few services, if any, for us to complain. He was a respected man in the community and a teacher (not mine). We supported each other, but at least we had that support.

There is a web page called Adults Surviving Child Abuse (ASCA). I believe it has been renamed as the Blue Knot Foundation. http://www.blueknot.org.au/WHO-WE-ARE You can find information, support, counseling and a 24/7 phone line. 1300 657 380 These kinds of organisations can be a great help to adults, especially to those in your position where it is too difficult to go to the police etc. They may suggest other help opportunities that I do not know of.

Keep in your mind that it is always the fault of the perpetrator. Children never force someone to assault them.

Pipsy and Sherie have shared their experiences with you and, although it's sad they have experienced this, it shows you are not alone. As you have yet contacted the person your GP referred you to, I guess you are experiencing some fear about revealing yourself. If that's the case, can you try the web site I have suggested. Talking on the phone may be a little less daunting than face to face.

I want reassure you. People who have not been subjected to this dreadful experience are not brushed or pitied by others. I cannot imagine I would dismiss your pain.

Please write in again.

Mary

[Solosombra]

Lynda: firstly I'm sorry about your own experiences and thank you for sharing with me it might not seem like much but I do appreciate it a lot. It seems you have progressed further in the healing stage then I so this gives me hope things can get better.

Sherie: sorry about the late reply Sherie I didn't have the best day today and have only just found the time to get online, but again thank you for your words of encouragement even though I don't feel like I have any strength let alone any inner strength but I am trying 🙂 also I hope your day has gone good.

Mary:​ Thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread and for also sharing a bit of your own experience with me. I will definetly check out the site you mentioned all help is welcomed at this point.

As for my siblings I have closely monitored them and have " discreetly brought it up" but they seem to have been left alone which is about the only thing I'm thankful for.

I hope you ladies are well and thank you for your support I feel like I can maybe start sharing the rest of my story

Kiamau xox

[Guest_5218]

Good evening Kiamau, and thankyou for your lovely reply. No problems at all about not replying earlier. You only ever come here when you want to and are able to. I'm sorry to hear that you did not have such a good day today.

Its good that you have been able to subtly enquire of your siblings as to whether something similar occurred to them, as it did you. As it appears that they were able to escape your torture, it does give you something to be grateful for. You have done a very noble deed, and you should be proud of yourself for protecting them in the only way you knew.

Kiamau, I think there is still much more to your story. And I hope in time you feel able to tell us the rest. You know now that you will not be judged, but you will receive heartfelt and knowledgable support and advice.

You are a good person, and sometimes bad things happen to the best people. You do have an inner strength Kiamau, I can sense it. And this will help to pull you through this trough in your life. You can be happy, and you will. You just need a guide to help you find a way. Please consider specialised therapy or counselling as recommended by either your GP or Mary.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Here is a hug for you {{Kiamau}}. Actually I think I would be totally lost in one of your hugs, I'm only a little thing, and you say you're 6'6" and 110kgs. But I reckon it'd be comforting. (-:

Take care, okay.

Sherie xx

[pipsy]

Hi Kiamua. Anytime you feel up to sharing, we're here to listen. I'm glad that by sharing, I was able to show you that you're a good person who had bad done to him. I'm also pleased you were able to discover your siblings weren't harmed. Every bad thing that is done to a good person means that the good person learns to keep being good to others. Bad people who keep being bad, (seldom if ever), learn, that bad doesn't pay. The person who hurt you was able to because he was in a position of trust and he abused the position. You were too scared to fight back and he capitalized on your fear. Children are raised believing they have to treat elders with respect, respect is a two-way street. You give respect, you receive respect. If you ill-treat people, you can't be expected to receive respect. You can expect to be ignored.

Lynda.

[Solosombra]

Sherie: yes I always made sure to keep an eye on them and talk to them whenever I could it did get harder as I'm older then them by a few years but I'm glad they were left alone.

Yes there is a bit left to my story and I feel like soon I'll be able to tell it. And I will put some thought into going to the place my gp recommended, haha I'm not exactly good at a lot of things but I've been told I give awesome hugs 🙂 xox

Lynda: thank you for your support I hope to be able to count on it later on and in turn I hope to be able to help you in someway. I tell myself that a lot actually that these thing serve as life lessons to me, a close friend once told me that " the most beautiful hearts are the ones that can still give another broken heart love and sympathy while it is still bleeding itself " I've held onto that saying for dear life because at one point I was spiriling into an emotionally numb state.

[Guest_5218]

Yes, I thought as much Kiamau. You come across as a very warm, caring and genuine man. You deserve far better than the cards you have been dealt in life.

I'm glad that you have a close friend who obviously understands you. What your friend told you is very true, and its great that you are able to hold onto that thought.

I hope you have a restful night and a better day tomorrow. A return hug ...........

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Thank you Sherie 🙂 and you are right none of us deserve the hand dealt to us I just hope to find the strength to be a support to other people like us.

Hope you have been well

Kiamau

[Guest_5218]

Morning Kiamau. I see you have updated your profile picture. Good on you. And a very handsome young fellow you are too I must say. I actually just changed mine too. Not confident enough to post a current one in case I get recognised. But this one was taken when I was about 18 and given that the lighting is pretty bad, it will do for now.

You are a good man Kiamau and you definitely have the empathy and understanding in you to support others who go through difficult times. I dont know what sort of a career you have, but it wouldnt be too late to make a change to counselling or something along those lines. Have you ever thought about that?

Me? After a difficult week, I'm getting there Kiamau. Thankyou.

Have a good day young man ......... (-:

Sherie xx