Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[Solosombra]

Hi mrs dools.

i myself am finding it a helpful tool writting stuff down and like you said this place is understanding. Which is why i write here, i dont expect people to write back to my story but i also know i wont be laughed at either for it.

best wishes to you aswell

Kiamau

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Kiamau, I'm glad you find writing this stuff down has a therapeutic value to it. I feel privileged, too, that you trust us to read it and treat you with kindness and understanding. You certainly won't be laughed at. I know it's hard for you to work through the memories you have, and they're probably robbing you of a bit of sleep. That makes it all the more impressive that you're keeping up with the EMDR therapy and reaching out on here. Whether you believe it or not, you are something special, and I have a bunch of respect for you. 🙂

Blue.

[Solosombra]

Thanks blue im glad it is working too, to be honest i wasnt going to continue as it only gets darker and grittier from here but i feel as though this combined with the EMDR is going to help in the end.

so one paragraph at a time i guess?

I have the utmost respect for the people on here aswell and though im not sure how to relay how special i think you guys are giving/reciving compliments is getting easier ☺

Kiamau

[Guest_322]

Hi Kiamau,

I'm not sure what the right words to say are but I know you've been through more than anyone should ever have to go through. Your uncle hurt you in every sense of the word.

The healing and dealing with it all...in your own time, in your own way. One paragraph at a time sounds great. Whatever helps you, I'm sure everyone will be okay with here 😊

Dottie

[Solosombra]

Dottie thank you for taking the time to read and reply firstly.

this post of mine can be quite heavy so please dont ever feel like you are obliged to reply.

Yes thats my plan for now one paragraph at a time one session at a time

Hoping you a safe night

Kiamau

[Guest_322]

Hi Kiamau,

It's lovely to hear from you again. Thanks, it's very kind of you to think of me. I don't mind that your thread is on the heavier end of the spectrum as far as thread content goes; I think it's the nature of the abuse/PTSD forums. I mean, in many ways, how can it not be heavy?

I'll pop in from time to time to see how you're going and offer some support. But in terms of actual advice, I'll leave that to your other wonderful friends here as they're doing a a great job 😊

Dottie