Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[pipsy]

Hi Solosombra. Welcome to the forums. Glad you've reached out for help. It's so sad your uncle was able to make you believe the abuse was your fault. That is a common term used by abusers to atone for what they believe, that it's your fault. Everything he told you was a lie. The assault was not your fault, he knew precisely what he was doing. Telling you your siblings were 'next' was all part of his control. Have you ever told anyone, if not, you need to. To break the hold he has, you need to tell. I don't know your age, but there is help available to victims of sexual abuse. Possibly even now going to the police might be an idea. I would contact the victims of sexual abuse phone line and discuss it with them. Don't be afraid to report it, if your uncle is still exercising this control, he has to be stopped. The woman he was with also needs reporting. If, when you contact the abuse line, you wish to remain anonymous, that's fine. They are there for you, to talk to, listen and guide. Do you have someone who can be there for you during this time. You need emotional support. Hopefully, your parents will give you the support you need. Please don't be scared to report this, you've done nothing wrong.

Lynda.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kiamau. Good on you for starting this Thread, it would not have been an easy thing to do.

This horrific experience you went through as a young boy is something nobody should have to go through. As Pipsy said the threats to harm your siblings is all a part of the power these people hold over you. I strongly reiterate that none of this was in no way your fault.

I already know that you are a 26 year old and only started having flashbacks & other PTSD symptoms over the last 3 years, which is not unusual. Nor is it unusual for people to take 14 years to finally open up and actually talk about these experiences that have occurred.

If I recall correctly, you do not really have a lot of family support, or at least not for discussing this matter. Given that the perpetrator of this crime was a family member, that is understandable. And I believe your family heritage could present further difficulties for you in gaining any family support? Be a man, and all that stuff!

So far, I have not read whether you have sought any treatment. If you havent, I would strongly urge you to see your GP and he will help you to set up a Mental Health Care Plan. This would enable you to receive some psychiatric or psychological assistance under Medicare. I am assuming you are eligible for Medicare provisions? If so, then you would receive 6 initial psych consults followed by a further 4 if deemed necessary.

I do feel as though you would benefit from this Kiamau as you have kept this bottled up for a very long time. It would help you to get it all out on the table so that you can work through the feelings and emotions surrounding this trauma. I know it has already cost you a prior relationship with your girlfriend. Please don't let this trauma prevent you from leading an otherwise happy and secure life. You deserve so much better than this.

Things have turned full circle now Kiamau, and now the power is in your hands to do something about this.

You do have the option to call places that Lynda has suggested above, if that is easier for you initially. It is incredibly difficult to go to your GP and tell him whats going on. I know this from personal experience, having only told my GP two weeks ago. But its worth it in the end, to receive necessary support which will help you.

Good luck Kiamau, and please keep in touch with us here. I have found it helpful to open up here, and I hope you find that's the case for you also.

Kind regards,

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Thank you pipsy and sherie.

I started seeing a councilor in high school and she was the only one I told this story too, but I was to angry at the world at the time and I stopped going.

I've seen my gp and she has reffered me to a place but I've yet too bring this up!

I do want to tell someone everything I really do but then I hear my uncles voice saying " tell them they might pity you they may even shed a tear and give a concerned look but in the end they are just glad it happened to you and not them"

I don't fear the man anymore in a physical sense I'm 6ft 6 and 110kg now. What iam afraid of is that he will be right, I don't want the people closest to me to find out and then have them pity me you know? Or change the way they treat me because of something I had no control over 😕

I guess these things take time I don't know? I just know I can't keep going like this!

I guess its why I joined BB in the first place.

[pipsy]

Hi Solosombra. I totally understand your fear thinking that people will pity you. Sympathy is different to pity in that with sympathy there's understanding. Pity means there's no real support . I sympathize with you, but I don't pity you, I pity your uncle when this comes out. The only way people might change in their attitude is that you will be understood, with the fear and self loathing you feel. No-one is going to believe that they're lucky it didn't happen to them, I don't believe that, I'm angry that his abuse has gone to that extent. Sexual abuse counsellors are trained to help you deal with the mixed feelings of self loathing you feel. I understand how bad you feel as I was a victim too. The police have special officers also trained in this field to help you if you do decide to report this abuse. Your uncle is evil, you are a good, decent person who has been a victim for too long. You will be treated as a person who was abused not someone who needs pity, but someone who needs help. Counsellors are fully aware that when someone has been abused this way, the victim has no control, the abuser has the control and he knows how to keep the control going. Report him and take back the control with help. You are not alone and never will be.

Lynda.

[Guest_5218]

I think I understand what you are saying Kiamau.

I dont want anybody else in my life to know about the sexual assault I went through either. And for me thats now 20 years ago. I dont want people to feel sorry for me for what happened. I dont want family to worry about me. I dont want people to look at me through clouded eyes, seeing only what happened, rather then the real me. I dont want people to suddenly see me differently if they know what happened all those years ago. What happened to me, was through no fault of my own either. Like you, I did nothing wrong. But people do have perceptions about such things. I understand all of that Kiamau.

These things do take time, and perceverance. A good therapist will help you to get there. You might still decide not to divulge what happened to family or friends, and thats okay. Thats your choice entirely. But you would still benefit from some psych therapy to help you get there.

In the meantime, reassure yourself that you did nothing wrong. You were an innocent child, you were understandably confused, and felt you had no choice in the matter due to threats to your brother and sister. You werent gullible Kiamau, you were just a child. You were actually very brave and noble in protecting your siblings. Tell yourself that - the truth .............

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Thank you Lynda and Sherie for taking the time to reply it means a lot.

Please Lynda don't get upset on my account or his its not worth it I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything. Also please don't feel obligated to read my posts if there upsetting you Sherie and Lynda...

I'm also sorry you can relate to how I feel I don't wish what happened to us on anyone, like use say none of us deserved this.

Thank you both for your kind words i actually didnt realise how muxh i needed to hear them I hope to repay you both in kind some day.

Kiamau xo

[pipsy]

Hi Sherie. My heart goes out to you, also. I feel sympathy for you and Kiamau, but pity only for the abuse you suffered. My abuser got away with it for years, even though my mum knew, she protected him. I was very young when it started, it lasted from when I was 6 or 7, till I was early teens. I was verbally threatened, I wish I'd had the guts to tell my dad, but I was told by mum and the abuser that if dad left, it would be my fault. I know now that, that wasn't true. I'm not upset, just angry that this happens to so many people. Once you learn that you are a person with the same right to live safely, you then become a survivor. I'm now classed as a survivor, because I took back the control he stole. I know I'm stronger than he ever was. I have no fear of people knowing, because the more people know, the more protection there is. Never feel ashamed of people knowing, because if they know the real 'you', they respect who you've become. They respect the fact that you had no control because of how threatened you were. I have friends who know and the love and caring I've received more than makes up for the abuse. Even my ex won't acknowledge my abuser (he knows him), my ex says my abuser is not worth knowing, but I am because I respect people. Abusers don't. Incidentally, my ex and I are not separated because of my abuse, we separated due to severe interference by my in-laws. Sherie, my respect for you is immense, same for you Kiamau. My sympathies lie with both of you, but I don't pity you, just what happened. Pity is different to sympathy. Sympathy simply means I understand. Pity is the feeling that it's a shame it happened. The shame is in the abuse and the abuser, not the victim.

Lynda.

[Guest_5218]

Kiamau, it is testament to your inner strength and good character that you are where you are now. You are plainly a very kind, sensitive, thoughtful and loyal young gentleman. Certainly deserving of a better life than what you appear to have right now with all this trauma rearing its ugly head and causing distress in your life.

You're right of course - none of us asked for abuse or trauma to be a part of our lives, and certainly we dont deserve for it to be. But it's there, and it is up to us to try to recover from it the best way we can. We still deserve to lead a happy and fullfilling life. And sometimes to enable us to do that, we need a bit of a leg up. Be that from a therapist, a good GP, a close confidant, an appropriate helpline, or even these forums.

Dont deny yourself the chance to be happy and relatively trouble free Kiamau. You said you saw a counseller while in high school, but were too angry with the world to bother continuing. Are you still angry with the world? Perhaps now you are ready. I would try again if I were you. How much have you told your GP? You said that she has referred you somewhere, but have not gone there yet. Please give it serious thought.

I'm glad you are somewhat comforted by the understanding of others. Thats what you tend to get here - people with similar backgrounds, who do understand. But certainly you owe us nothing, and there is nothing to repay. I would just love to see you resolve things for yourself Kiamau, that would make me happy. Besides, I owe you -for that beaut breakfast in The BB Cafe this morning! (-:

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Thankyou Lynda. What you say is very true.

My situation is somewhat different to you and Kiamau's however. I am not the victim of childhood abuse, I was an adult at the time of my assault. I understand it is far worse for children, with so many other factors at play.

Still, the end results are often the same for all of us I guess ........

I thank you for your understanding and kindness Lynda. You have been through a lot and come out the other side a strong, independant and extremely caring person. An example of how wonderful people can emerge from adversity. I think Kiamau will be too, if he gives himself the chance. (-:

Sherie xx