Forgiving rapist/s

[TimTams]

Hi,

I am feeling at a point where I am sick of feeling judged by other people and the person labelled for being the crazy one.

I am starting to realise it will be a lot easier for me to forgive the people who did what they did. Has anyone else taken a similar perspective? I thought I should hate them but because of the way I have ended being treated by the public (like a lying, manipulating idiot) I am starting to feel like I should legitimately forgive them and forget.

Anyone else agree that this is very smart? Should I or should I not forgive the people?

I nearly lost my life because of my ex-partner on many occasions. But I am just really sick of feeling like the crazy one who is a liar. What his family did was really awful. Maybe the best way for me to do that is just never mention it again? I am sick of being thought of as a liar and sick of being the person who has to suffer because of it. It really is not me who should be in therapy, I never did anything wrong.

I really wish I never reported or said anything to anyone. I am going to stop and never disclose anything, ever again!

[TimTams]

It feels like no matter what I do I will be diagnosed as mentally unwell, labelled with something like BPD and thought of as a manipulative liar.

I am honestly ready to give in, let medical professionals and police think this, and forgive the men.

I honestly wish now I never reacted or reported but I was just overwhelmed and cracked because the abuse became too much. I realise now I would have been a lot better shutting up. At least that way I would not have been labelled.

I am going to forgive both those men, for I would rather let everyone label me and move on than try to prove that what I was saying was true and more serious than anyone knew. One day, when I am on my feet more, I will have the money to move somewhere safer.

[Porkncheese]

Resentment is one of the unhealthiest things to carry around. Even though you are the victim it is probably better to drop it and move on with your life. And stay away from these toxic people.

[GothGirl]

I understand where you are coming from. I too was nearly killed on many occasions by my ex and sexually assaulted by him. People thought i was crazy too. They thought there is no way such a nice guy (thats how he he portrayed himself to the world) could do all these things. I regretted speaking up for a really long time. In fact, i went through the same process of thinking as you are right now. I thought maybe if I forgive him it will all just go away. Forgive and forget right? thats what they always say. I thought about it for a really long time and i realised something. Yes i could forgive him but in all likelyhood 1. people wouldn't stop saying all those nasty things because thats how our cruel society works- we victim blame cause apparently it can never be the rapist's fault. 2. i personally could never truly forgive him for what he has done. and 3. the most important thing i realised is that no matter the crap i get from others or from him, this is my story and mine alone to tell. I decide who i tell and when. I realised that it was a story that needed to be told. i kept it to myself for a really long time and suffering in silence is a lot worse believe me. Now the decision is entirely up to you as i said its your story. I am just telling you what i realised after going through the same thought process. I decided that i wanted to be a strong, brave voice for myself and every other person going through a similar experience. I decided that if i stayed quite i was letting him win, i was giving him what he wanted. I am not saying that if you decide to forgive or stay quiet from now on that you are not strong or brave or wanting to give him what he wants. That is not the case. Every survivor is a brave, strong and fierce soul. I just want you to know that i am here for you and i know how you feel. I want you to know that it is ok to tell your story. I want you to know that you shouldn't have to be afraid of what people say. I wish society did not victim blame. But just know no matter what people say or do you are a strong, brave person and you have the power to do whatever you want with your life. You have a voice and you can decide if you want to continue to use that voice to tell your story or not. It is your decision. I hope this helps you. I'm sorry that you have been faced with so many challenges in life. Nobody deserves to be raped or abused. Nobody deserves to be called crazy and ridiculed afterwards. Just remember you have a voice and its powerful!

[paddyanne]

Hi TimTam. Forgiving someone who sexually abused you is not easy, but there are ways. To forgive them doesn't mean you forget, you never will, however forgiving them means they can't hurt you ever again. I was a victim of incest, so I have an inkling of where you are emotionally. I too was accused of lying. Accusers lash out at their victims to stop themselves from being punished. You like me are the innocent victim who has been victimized for bringing it into the open. I have distanced myself from the person who hurt me, if by chance I ever see him, I can choose my reaction. My choice is to completely ignore his existence. I am better than him, you are better than the person who hurt you. I forgave his actions, but I will never actually forgive HIM. Try forgiving the act, concentrate on what he did, rather than who he is. I forgave my accusers actions. He himself no longer exists to me, so the act itself has stopped haunting me. Yes, I reported him but nothing was done. The only thing I could do was write down my feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger. In this way, I abused him, I lashed out at him. There's no easy answer, you have to find a way that suits you to rid yourself of the anger. I have no anger, I just feel free.

[paddyanne]

Hi TimTam. Anyone who is sexually abused and has the courage to report it is often labelled by people who have no idea what they are talking about. The best way to avoid these confrontations is to change the subject (tactfully). Every day we hear on the media that so and so has attacked someone. Victims of sexual abuse react by feeling sick and wishing that the perpetrators are severely punished. My ex in-laws were the sort who believed that 'get over it and get on with living a good life' was the answer. They were aware of my past abuse but I was never allowed to discuss it. I deeply resent what was done to me. I no longer have any feelings either way for the person, just the actions. Separating the person from the act means you have to pretend you don't actually know the person. Think of someone in the media who is incarcerated for sexual abuse and put your feelings for that person in place of your abuser. That way the abuse is easier to deal with. Resenting the person means you still carry that baggage. Resenting their actions means half the load has been discarded. I will never forget but it no longer haunts me because I own me, he doesn't. Take back ownership of you by letting go of the resentment towards him.