Feeling stupid & embarrassed re reaction to trigger

Elizabeth CP · ‎10-01-2016

Attended meeting at church discussing scriptures. Unfortunately person leading group started using bushfires as an example to illustrate the point he was making. There was nothing wrong with what he said for anyone else and I could see the point he was making. I managed to stay where I was although uncomfortable for a short while but then further comments were too much and I walked out feeling embarrassed for making a fool of myself and extremely anxious and upset both due to what was said and then my over reaction to it. I was trapped in a bushfire as a child so reminders of bushfires is a trigger for me. One minute I think I'm doing better and then something like this happens and I feel like I'll never overcome the problem. My reactions are so inconsistent which makes it harder to deal with it logically.

any ideas to help me react better would be helpful

white knight · ‎10-01-2016

Hi Elizabeth, good to hear from you again,

Oh, yes. Lots of ideas. Unfortunately we can all have the theory but premeditating those ideas and then using them flows against of anxiety. We tend rather to react automatically..bit like lacking wisdom. Those wiser without anxiety for example would think through their fears and immediate reactions, talk to themselves perhaps about how silly it is to connect a discussion to event in our childhood and "switch off" their fears altogether.

Not us, we need to be taught that process and have many options at our disposal so we can choose one that seems best fitting for the occasion. for example- try standing up, apologising and saying you need to attend the bathroom....take 6-7 minutes to gather yourself then return hopefully to the group that ha smoved on from that topic. You could be direct and politely mention you find the topic uncomfortable because of your previous dealings with bushfires. You could tell a white lie and say you need to go home as you are not feeling well. The final one is to (if possible) mention to the tutor that you'll like to change the analogy away from bushfires due to your past...."can you use another example please"? If not then you csn politely leave saying "I'll attend the next meeting".

I's like you to read the following article relevant to this. Google

Topic: depression and sensitivity- a connection-beyondblue

We all cant be detached from our past. I mean, I was at a xmas party in our very small country town and spoke about a recent news event whereby a child was hurt when a car in a driveway reversed on her. I had no idea that one of the 3 ladies I was talking to had a child that was killed that way. As soon as she walked away one of the other ladies told me. About 30 minutes later I bumped into the lady and asked if she was ok...she stared at me and said "no I'm not but it isn't your fault". She was so gracious I replied "if ever you need a hug or a chat my wife is there for you".

What else could I do. We never know. One of the other ladies has 3 grown children she never sees now. I have a daughter brainwashed by her vengeful mother I never see. We all have these past issues that burn through us daily-but few like yourself have those past experiences that burn as hurtful as the day they happened. As if we deliberately hang onto them.

Emotional maturity will come in time. In the meantime try to forecast your reactions coming and find the exit gracefully

Tony WK

Elizabeth CP · ‎10-01-2016

Thanks Tony for your reply. As you said there were other options but sometimes things build up too fast . I guess I am more sensitive & tired than normal as my husband became unwell last week. So multiple phone calls for advice, hospital visits and GP visits until we were finally able to speak to his specialist who offered to liaise with doctors in a large city hospital to ensure he got the right treatment. He is now in hospital awaiting surgery in the hope it fixes the problem. They aren't sure what is wrong so it is a guessing game at the moment.

Initially I tried to reassure myself I could cope with the talk on fires and the discussion would move on. When there was further discussion on fires it was like I had used up all my reserves and couldn't cope any longer. Explaining or making excuses for leaving was beyond me. I feel bad because I'm complaining about my situation when the majority of the people on this forum have been through much worse. I at least grew up in a family were we were loved and no one intentionally hurt us (except the normal fights between siblings) You have gone through some terrible things and yet rather than being bitter you to use those experiences to have empathy for others to help them.

Thank you

Bluey_moon · ‎10-01-2016

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice for you but I think Tony gave some really super advice!!

We all tend to have our triggers, like Tony said most people can rationally talk and free themselves from their fears, we need to learn this skill I guess, and heck it's hard!

I hope your husband is able to get to the bottom of his illness!

take care

white knight · ‎11-01-2016

yes it is really hard Blueymoon

Many of us have not developed some social skills or emotional brain cells (ha). Hence we over react.

But bare in mind there are positives in owning a mental illness. Many entertainers/artists and the like wouldn't have their talent without it.

In the end it means owning yourself for yourself warts and all. That not only takes time but gaining confidence no matter how you do it. I recall vividly in 1996 when my marriage split I lived in a 3 metre caravan. Due to the verbal abuse (and abuse by silence) I'd lost my confidence. So daily I'd look into the mirror and repeat- "I am a good person and I deserve a good partner"

It worked.

Tony WK

Elizabeth CP · ‎11-01-2016

I don't think it is just about learning social skills or emotional IQ. Suggesting I need to develop emotional maturity and social skills is counterproductive as it feeds into negative self perceptions. In my case I have become burnt out by multiple stresses over the last few years and the coping mechanisms I normally use are no longer working because of my situation. In the past I spent a lot of time helping people whether as a volunteer, with family and friends and through my career choice. This gave me social connection enjoyment and a feeling of self worth particularly as I saw my actions helping others. I have recently had to give up work and have been unable to do much to help others outside my family due to my husband. I am normally very physically active and this helps my mood. Unfortunately for the last 5 months I have been very limited with physical activity and end up in lots of pain and unable to sleep when I walk even short distances due to an injury, (It is starting to improve.)

You used positive self talk to remind yourself you are a good person after your marriage broke up. I need to remind myself that I have got through some very difficult times in the past and have successfully brought up my 5 children to be good responsible adults. The problems I am experiencing now are mostly due to circumstances out of my control Except my injury was due to being in a rush to get things done and not paying enough attention to where I stepped...I don't think that classes as a capital offence, so I'll forgive myself for that!!!!!. That is my bit of positive self talk.

Bluey_moon · ‎12-01-2016

Oh Elizabeth, I hope today you are doing ok!

There are a lot of times when life makes it a bit hard, when stresses and injury prevent us from doing things!

But you sound like a wonderful person and I'm hoping this stressful patch will pass for you soon!

Elizabeth CP · ‎12-01-2016

Thanks. Just saw the physio so have more exercises to do. My ankle is improving so I need to focus on gradually increasing what I do. (I'm not good at that as I often overdo things as I get impatient) My husband is in hospital and I just keep reminding myself that he is being looked after and hopefully they will find out what is wrong at the moment so he can be treated. I see my therapist tomorrow so hopefully he can help me get back on track

white knight · ‎12-01-2016

Hi Elizabeth

You have one thing in your favour- you know where you are at, and things have built up and up until no matter what you do it seems like all the stresses will overthrow you.

You indeed seem like a very intelligent person. To top that off you have not had the attitude of "charity begins at home"...you have extended yourself to others and that makes you a gem.

You are not alone. So many households, seemingly "normal households" with two incomes and a debt level to reflect such incomes and lifestyle, it can all come crashing down with a simple ankle injury or workplace injury or car accident etc. Many families are one step away from this predicament. We rarely hear about it however but when we study annual bankruptcy numbers (which is at only the tip of bad debt levels in some families) then we get an idea of how common it is.

A bit off track but set backs can come to many of us out there and that's my point. Once the set back has arrived depending on its severity and where its impact hits most AND what out coping ability/recovery ability is, will come its result.

For you Elizabeth you have had to be tenacious in finding inner strength to cope. But rest assured you are getting there. You have already stated one of the very important comments- "out of my control". These words are so important.

Since you have been on this forum you have displayed clarity and soft heartedness to others, you are indeed a wonderful person. Keep going, stop a little to smell the roses etc. in a short time you'll be back on your feet and like me in 2012 when I broke my ankle those 8 weeks to recovery were long but then I bounced back.

I'm sure you are also.

Regards

Tony WK

Elizabeth CP · ‎12-01-2016

Thank you for a very caring compassionate reply. Just what I need.

I know there are lots of people with huge problems many much worse than mine. My ankle is improving (even if 5 months is a long time for such a minor injury).

I do believe charity begins at home because that should be were the people you care for & who you care about are. (I realize this isn't always the case but in an ideal world it would be) but I agree charity should not be restricted to home.

Once again thank you for your comments