what to do

feel_unwanted · ‎01-07-2015

Hi to all need some advice on what to do. I'm losing my mind, in the last 4 years after the birth of my 5 child if been unwell, had 3 surgeries, found out that my dad's not my dad. I can't seem to stop thinking I'm just a burden on my family. I'm alone I have no friends in this town and my husband doesn't seem to understand because I still look after him and the family "so anyone can do that" is what I think. Don't won't to feel useless and a burden anymore.

Indra · ‎01-07-2015

Hi Feel Unwanted,

Welcome to the BB forums - firstly please try and not be so hard in yourself - I know easier said than done. By the sounds of things - having 3 surgeries is a major impact in your life and you shouldn't see yourself as a burden. It saddens me to hear that you haven't received a lot of support in this area.

That's some major news to discover about your father. It must of come as a bit of a shock to you - I hope it was done in a tactful way for you.

I can sympathise with you being in a place with few or no friends. Have you tried joining a parent /support group in your area? I guess you have your hands full with 5 kids. Have you tried asking your husband for a little more support or perhaps talk to your GP.

Please try and stay strong - your family does need you, but you need to be there for you as well.

Always an ear here on BB.

Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

Cheers,

Indra

Doolhof · ‎02-07-2015

Dear Lady,

Hi. I don't feel like I want to use the title you have given yourself. I know what it is like to feel unwanted...if it is true or not...and it is certainly not a nice feeling, so I will call you Lady instead if that is okay.

I'm sorry to read you have been feeling ill after your operations due to the birth of your last child. Is your health starting to improve? Has the Drs. explained clearly what has happened and what you can expect in the future health wise?

Would you like to share with us the rough ages of your children. Do your children play sports or are they involved in activities after school? If so, do you know any of the parents of the other children involved?

Can you strike up a conversation with some of these parents? Are there clubs or groups in your area that you might like to join?

Do you have the time to enjoy activities that make you feel happy or like you have achieved something?

Relationships can sometimes be hard work. I often think what I am doing at home anyone could do, so then I try to make my life more worthwhile for myself. That in turn can only benefit my husband.

Is it possible for you to have some time with just your husband? Can you ask family or friends if they can be with the children so you can go out on a "date". Even if it is just down tot he local café for a coffee, it may be the start of a whole new era for you both.

It must have been hard discovering the man you have thought of as your father is not actually your birth Dad. Once you are over the shock of being told this, how do you feel? Were you given an explanation as to why you were not told of this until now?

If you have always considered this man to be your Father, then for me, that would not change. (I say that not having every experienced what you have!)

If this man has loved and cared for you like a Father, then I hope you are able to continue to see him in the same way.

I hope you feel comfortable and able to get back to us with more of how you are feeling and coping.

All the best to you, from Lauren

Neil_1 · ‎02-07-2015

Hi there feel wanted,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

As Indra has already responded to you, I too would like to support her concerns for you, in all aspects of what you have mentioned.

From the sound of it, I’m guessing that your children are still quite young and so it sounds like you’re being burdened with the entire looking after, nurturing and so much more of them – we had two children and I know that was damn difficult; so I couldn’t imagine how tough things would be with 5 of them.

Now when you say you feel like a burden on your family – is that your ‘outer family’, ie: parents and/or siblings?? As this is something that I wanted to ask about, cause it sounds like you’re not receiving much (or any) support at all – so I was going to ask whether you’ve got a sibling or even a parent who might be able to lend a hand from time to time to give you some support; it really sounds like you need to obtain even a small break.

And like Indra, is it not possible for your husband to provide you with some assistance?

I think it’s been a very positive step for you to come here and post – but I also think that perhaps it might be time to try and go just that little step further and get along to your gp, to see if they are able to suggest some helping mechanisms for you?

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

feel_unwanted · ‎06-07-2015

Hi all thanks for your kind words.

I found out about my dad through a text message from my drunk brother at midnight saying " whos your real dad". Only to be denied for 2 days after by all my family, when they realize I couldn't let it go then they admitted to the truth. Still can't take the way that I was told, do my feelings mean nothing.

As for my health had hysterectomy then dignosed with IBS, still can't eat normally.cook for everyone else then try to find a quick meal for myself. The problem with that is I want to eat the nice meals I have made for them too. Makes me very upset to dish up for everyone else. Then madeto feel bad about wanting it as I get upset and my husband thinks I'm just trying to make him feel bad.

Try to reach out to my best friend/sister inlaw, she just got on the to her brother and talked to him ever since. I'm thought to be the grumpy person.

I don't feel grumpy, I feel sad and hurt.

As for support I try to explain to family, even my husband, how I feel, they don't talk to me they talk to each other about me instead.

feel_unwanted · ‎08-01-2016

Still feeling the same. Sick of being told to get over it and forget my family(brothers and sisters) as they are the ones who hurt me. I have come close to just giving up alltogether , just to be told I'm an idiot. Being told by my husband that I'm not needed I just make things easier for him, kind of makes me wonder why I even live.

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Guest_1055 · ‎08-01-2016

Hello precious one,

I'm so sorry you are hurting, and I long to advise you, or something. But all I can do, is tell you, that you are so precious and valuable, even though you may not feel like it at the moment. I do care about you, even though we are strangers. I am sending out a big hug to you.

Love Shelley xx

PS Will you write back to let me know how you are doing? And I just couldn't call you by your chosen username, even though you may feel like that.