I guess this is my story.

LZinsight · ‎03-01-2016

So, since my first post here actually helped me sort out a lot of feelings I decided to take it one step further and make a second post, describe my trauma, and what broke me down to what I am today.

So here we go. I'm 22 years old, Male and suffering from heavy depression, anxiety, social anxiety, repressed memories causing cognitive slowing (the term used by my psychologist), Insomnia, psychosomatic pain when I try to recall memories of that time, all severe enough to cripple my function in daily life.

So here we go, I was a very small child, and rather smart, as many know these are prime examples of being a target for bullies, and oh boy was that the case here. starting first grade, the standard bullying stuff, Name calling, social isolation/exclusion, nothing worth even reporting, but getting away with that much over a few years gives them confidence to escalate and as such the bullying became physical, Threats, shoving, hitting, I reported it but teachers only gave out light punishments, 1 time lunch detentions and such, which well... only annoyed them and made them go harder, so over the course of 3rd - 5th grade it escalated to full blown beatings, pelted with rocks, surrounded and tormented until I had a mental breakdown and just wound up screaming and flailing in pure terror, none of these one time events.

6th and 7th grades were the worst by far, developing into sexual harassment and eventually molestation and assault, Stripping me in front of girls on the playground, constantly touching me and grabbing me in sexual ways.. Not because they were gay, but purely because they knew I hated every second, and sadistically enjoyed my suffering. Something broke in me during all this, I've never been the same since, I doubt I will be ever again.

The worst part about all this, is that these things are all I can remember, everything else has been lost into this cloudy void of pain and hatred. 8 years of school life, vanished, not a single memory left but abuse, pain and torment. I don't even know the correct medical term for whatever this is, something messed up I'm sure.

So there you have it, the story of what happened to destroy this 22 year old to destroy him a point where functioning a normal everyday life is more difficult than directing a blindfolded toddler to completing a rubix cube. To answer any predicted questions, Yes I see a psychologist and psychiatrist regularly, no I don't really have anyone in my family or friends I can talk to.

Pantheress · ‎04-01-2016

LZ I'm floundering for words, sharing our load is a great step to help lessen our load, but what a heavy awful load to be burdened with. I hope someone has some pearls of wisdom for you, or something to ease your pain. For such a young man to have to carry this, when at this time of your life you should be experiencing all the wonders around you. I feel such anger toward those children who have hurt you like this and stolen your joy from your world. You have to wonder what sorted of twisted individuals these young people turned out to be. You obviously have a great strength inside you as I detect no anger in your post, I suspect you are a very caring person. I believe God gave us anger, to give us the strength to correct injustice. Have you considered a future in working with young people who are experiencing dreadful situations in their young world's. At the local PCWC they are often in need of young male volunteers who can relate to the young boys and their distress. This may help some young child cope with what can have awful consequences and life long impacts for them, you obviously have a wealth of knowledge. Maybe you could add to this with some basic support programs/counseling studied on line. Which could allow you to help on the kids emergency help line. We all know at times, kids just need someone to listen and most importantly try to understand what the are experiencing. I'm really sorry this has happened to you LZ and that you don't have much support in your direct circle, however the guys here seem very supportive and caring. So keep sharing and trying to lighten your load. As hard as it is somedays, remember you are important and you do have the ability to contribute, here and to others in your world. You also have the ability to make a difference to other young people in life. I'm sorry I don't have something to offer to help your pain but I just wanted to let you know I care. Take care of you LZ.

Guest_1055 · ‎04-01-2016

Dear LZinsight

I have just finished reading your post here for the second time. My eyes are starting to water, I am so very sorry, so sorry for all those awful things that have happened to you. It breaks my heart to know that you went through all this. If I could turn back time and had gone to your school, I would have helped you, I would have wrapped you in my arms, and whispered to you of the fact of how precious and valuable you actually are. I am guessing you felt so alone back then, and possibly now as well. But right now you are not alone, because I am resting on my bed crying and praying for you.

I long to give you advice, anything really to help you, but I can only give you a giant hug and tell you I care so much about you.

With tears and love for you

Shelley xxx

Elizabeth CP · ‎05-01-2016

Like the others who replied I read your post with horror to think people could be so bad. I was bullied as a child and it has left me with long term self esteem problems and lack of confidence but my experience was nothing compared to yours. I encourage you to be kind to yourself none of this was your fault. Be patient with your therapy as it will take a long time to deal with such terrible trauma. Good luck Hopefully with help from your therapist things will improve.

I want to reinforce the fact that you are a worthwhile person who has experienced something noone deserves. Listen to all the positive comments people make to you and about you until you eventually can believe them. I wish I could do more to take away the pain you have endured.

Neil_1 · ‎06-01-2016

Hi there LZ

I’d like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you so much for being able to share your story with us. What a powerful and emotional story and journey you’ve had. You’ve had a couple of great responses so far and I have to say that I am moved with sorrow and anger as well. Just as Shelley anne mentioned about if she could have gone back in time – she would have wrapped her arms around you. I would have gone the other way and would have launched into those mongrels.

What you’ve had to experience and subsequently live with are just horrors that no-one should ever have to go through.

I’m actually a bit stumped for words but I really want to say a huge thank you for having the courage and strength in being able to come here and provide your post. What I hope is that in getting some of your story down in writing, it may have proved to be a little therapeutic in some small way. I know from being here for a number of years now, that I have not only experienced, but have read of others who have felt a little better in being able to unload a little. I hope that this has been the case for you.

The other thing I’d like to say is that this is such a wonderful supportive and caring site – and if you feel able to write more, then please know that you’ll be supported 100%

As a 22yo, do you have a small network of friends or even just one or two close ones? Do you work? Sports – do you play any or do you enjoy following or watching any?

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

LZinsight · ‎07-01-2016

Hi Pantheress, Sorry for the late reply, an error prevented me from replying on this thread for a couple of days there. Going to a PCWC type thing to help others that are going through the same sounds like a great idea, but I'd first like to get myself a bit more stable before I attempt things as such. I'd like to say your comment on my strength due to no anger in the post was accurate, sadly the uncontrollable anger I feel daily is one of the main culprits in crippling my daily life. Thanks for your post!

LZinsight · ‎07-01-2016

Hi Shelley anne, sorry for the late reply a server error prevented me from replying on the thread.

I can't explain how unreal it feels that a complete stranger would cry for me, when I am unable to do so for myself, I do honestly wish I had someone like you around when I was going through all of this, it means a lot to know there are still people out there who care. Thank you.

LZinsight · ‎07-01-2016

Hi Elizabeth Cp, Firstly Sorry for the late reply an error prevented me from replying on this post even though I saw your post almost immediately.

I agree, therapy is going to take a long time, I've already been doing it for 3 years though 2 of that was working my way out of the spiral of self harm and suicidal thoughts. These posts I guess you can say are the next step to my recovery, and the support of you and the other lovely people on BeyondBlue really helps. Thanks for the support!

LZinsight · ‎08-01-2016

To Neil1 - I'd like to both thank you for your post, and apologise for my response being late, to answer your questions, my only friends are on the internet, I don't currently work because my depression and anxiety keep preventing me from finishing the study necessary to find decent work. No sport either really. Reading and gaming are my 2 vices/distractions I use.

Guest_1055 · ‎14-01-2016

Hey LZinsight

Just wanted to say hello, and to let you know that I am thinking of you, and hoping you are OK.

Hugs

Shelley xx