Feeling like things will never get better

ScooterCat

Growing up, I was made to feel unwanted.

My teachers would constantly shout and criticise me whenever I made a mistake. My peers would exclude me and put me down. My parents would tell me I would never be good enough and that I deserved to suffer.

Because of these things, I felt like I didn’t matter. I pushed people away and isolated myself because I didn’t think anyone would like me. I sabotaged my future and my chances of graduating because I didn’t believe I deserved success. I felt like people didn’t want me around and that the world would be better off if I was gone.

Because of the things people have said about me, I’ve missed opportunities. I never got to have friends. I never got to feel wanted. I never got to feel like I deserved anything and I never go to feel like my life mattered.

And now that all these things are gone, I can never go back and experience them. Those times are gone and I can never change what happened.

Even if I work through my trauma now and undo all the things people have taught me, it will never change anything. It will never alleviate the pain. All that pain is going to stay with me in one form or another, and I will always be in a state of suffering.

There is no hope. There is no future. The pain from what I have lost will always be a part of me. All that is left for me is a life full of eternal suffering.

Sophie_M

Hello ScooterCat,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. 💙

None of what you have been through is okay or fair... it makes so much sense that you would be feeling the effects of these experiences today. These are very hurtful messages for a young person to absorb... and not at all true or an accurate reflection of who you are.

As I am sure you know, trauma shapes our relationship with ourselves, others, and the world around us in such a significant way that it can be hard to believe that life can be different. I know it feels like things can't change, but with the right support, love, and care - anything is possible.

However, right now, I want you to know that your feelings are valid. And it sounds like your body and mind are really needing places and people to help you feel safe and accepted exactly as you are. I feel like you have come to the right place, our community will be able to provide a supportive virtual home for you to always come back to. 🥰

I think that Blue Knot would also be a great resource for you as well. They are a helpline who specialise in supporting those living with complex trauma: Blue Knot Foundation

In addition to this, we are always here to talk when you need support, 24/7: Talk to a counsellor - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

If you are feeling unsafe with your own thoughts and feelings, Lifeline are a wonderful resource for safety planning and support: Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14 - Crisis Support. Suicide Prevention.

I know these are just a starting point and that accessing more ongoing in-person care will be pivotal in your healing journey.

If there is one thing I would like you to take from this message, it's that you are valuable as you are. You are allowed to take up space. And you are worthy of things changing. There is a future for you, you may just need a little help getting there. 💙

Talk soon.

Warm regards,
Sophie M.

ScooterCat

Just thought I might add that I'm safe and that I just wanted to tell someone how I'm feeling.

Eagle Ray

Hey ScooterCat,

I’m so sorry hearing about all that you have experienced. I can somewhat relate as I felt unsafe in both my home and school environment. I had a way of making myself small to keep myself safe. Like you I missed out on a lot of things because of that.

But I really want to let you know that the past does not have to define your future. I have gradually worked through a lot of my past and I am experiencing some real healing now. I have just a few very good, meaningful friends and although I still have challenges my outlook and how I feel in myself is moving in a positive direction.

So I just want to encourage you that that is possible. Finding the right support along the way can make a big difference. Connecting with people like yourself, perhaps with similar life experience or sensitivities, can help. The very few friends I have now are sensitive people like me and have had some similar challenges. So we are sensitive to and understanding of one another. I also work with a really good psychologist who is sensitive and attuned to what I’ve been through. If you could find similar support you would feel less alone. I don’t know whether you have tried to seek any counselling or psychological support before? It’s important to find someone you gel with, someone who is actually seeing you and can be truly present with you as you process your experiences. There is no shame in seeking help or sharing vulnerabilities with the right people you can trust. It’s finding people you feel safe with and when this happens it helps to repair the past bad experiences. What I have learned is that past harmful experiences can be healed, and this happens through new experiences that teach our nervous system, mind and heart that things can indeed be different. I have been able to feel past hurts heal over in this process and it is quite remarkable.

So although your suffering may feel fixed now, I know from my own experience that that can shift. I have done quite a lot of somatic processing work with my psychologist which addresses how trauma has lodged in the body/nervous system. This is tied in with the way trauma memories are often encoded in a fragmentary way. Through gently releasing these somatic memories I have experienced some profound healing which is an ongoing process as my body has learned it can indeed release trapped trauma and the difficult memories are also integrated and healed. Stuff that is stuck can become unstuck. The approach I’ve used with my therapist is Somatic Experiencing which is gently titrated so as not to overwhelm the nervous system in the process of release. There are other somatic methods too such as Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, the Hakomi method and TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises). And there are various other approaches as well that are trauma-informed, like EMDR or TIST (Trauma Informed Stabilisation Treatment). But the most important thing if you try therapy is the therapeutic alliance itself which is key to the facilitation of beginning to heal. I think we ultimately heal ourselves but we can’t do that in isolation. We need to co-regulate with another who is compassionately present with us - and that is doable and achievable. That sets the healing process in motion.

I can recommend the Blue Knot Foundation that Sophie mentions. I have called them a number of times. They can chat for free between 30-45 minutes depending how busy they are. They are geared towards childhood trauma and finding feelings of safety and stabilisation. You can chat here anytime if you need to talk further about how you are going and feeling. We are listening.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray