Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for your care and concern and you are right I am very good at beating myself up and being more balanced in my assessments of others life and what they have done. I think my mum maybe putting my wellness first ahead of hers and minimizing her own troubles as my mum has always had that trait. Thanks for pointing that out.
All I can think about are all the mistakes that I have made throughout my life in regards to my father and now I am emotionally destroyed as a result. I seem to be able to put things into context about my mother and what happened and not myself because I just feel like I have lived my whole life in fog and none of my perceptions were right. I just feel like how am I supposed to move forward with confidence when I have no ability to make the right call. I think I have become so self aware of my fears and my mistakes and limitations that I am unable to see myself in a logical and forgiving way. It is horrible not feeling any self love or being comfortable being at one with your own mind because you don't like what's in there but hopefully one day I can feel happy to spend time with my brain again instead of something that makes me feel worse.
Looks like we share something in common we both live in Melbourne and today looks wintery as well so the cats will probably be in side again.
Thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I am so proud and impressed too with how emotionally intelligent you are and how you can express your emotions as well as understand the root causes as to why things are they way they are, both in your thoughts and in your feelings. I know it feels like you have nothing to base trust on, that is hard to know if decisions you are making are good ones, but I think you have a good heart and are very intelligent, so not all decisions come from past learnings. You can look back and see how things went with certain situations and that will provide you with a reference point, however, and I think I have said this to you before in that I am a huge believer in "gut feelings" if it feels off it probably is. So in saying that I think there are alot of things that should they present themselves to you in the future you will get a gut feeling or even a trigger, this is usually the first sign you will realize that this situation or conversation is not going in the direction you would like. You can then act accordingly.

I think the more you try, the more you will see that you are alot more capable than the noise in your head wants you to believe. You are so very strong and you are very emotionally intelligent, this will be wonderful foundations for making and creating new experiences and relationships for you, it really will.

Also with the thoughts, they are just that, thoughts, they don't get to rule you, you can tell them to shut up and leave, they also don't mean "actions" ..they are thoughts and you can dismiss them, you do not have to respond and you have that power.

As you said you have so much empathy and understanding for your mother, I am wondering if you could perhaps write a letter to yourself, imagine that you are giving yourself the support and understanding you afford to others, what would you say? You are worthy of a new start, of friends and of love, what has happened to you in the past is not your fault and sometimes leaving an obvious situation of abuse is easier said than done, but you are free from that now A. With time and help and support there is a brighter tomorrow and you will see that this happens as you want it so very much.

Melbourne looks awesome today A, I am in the office but am going to try to get out and get some of that sun, hope it is sunny in your part of Melbourne too.

Hugs to you as always

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for your comments about my emotional intelligence and my ability to to express my emotions.
I suppose I have spent a great deal of my life dealing with things that have affected me psychologically and brought out my fears out into the open through things that have happened so I have become quite familiar with my mind and refining what is important to it feeling good so my ability to express what is going on in there is probably improving. In reality there has been very little change in my external world and my activities but I have changed a lot in my world view and how I see things. People say that the way you think manifests in your external world in terms of who you draw to yourself and the activities you end up in but that has never happened to me. I have essentially lived a life like a philosopher where I have done much thinking but none of it has led to any thing external which is strange as not many people seem to end up like me. There doesn't seem to be those types of jobs out there anymore as it seems to be more about self help and improvement but if I were living when those jobs existed I probably could have become one.
Hope you got some sunshine today and thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I do tend to be one of those who believe that you can manifest things in your life, I guess this comes from the place that I am an optimist and I try to see the good in every situation, it does have it's downfalls in that life is not like that and there are road blocks, however, I do think about the positives and "put them out there" for the universe to bring me what I need. What I need may not always present as what I want or what I thought my life was going to be like but I take it as a lesson and try and manage my way through it. I know that might seem like a lot of hoo har but I guess that is where I tend to live in that mostly people are good and good things can and do happen.

You mention feeling like a Philosopher in that you spend time thinking and nothing comes to fruition, I think your environment had a lot to do with that and now you are in the very early stages of a new set of outside conditions and that is alot to get used to , it does also mean opportunity for a whole new world to be available for you, new experiences and new people and this to me sounds exciting. You are doing so many things right and you have some great support, it will come together for you A, it may take a little chipping away at the shell but a whole new you is in the making, like a little chicken in an egg.

My daughter has her friend over to stay and I am about to make them pancakes for brekky, although I have no idea what time they got to sleep so it may be lunch..lol

Chat soon my friend and sorry this post was a bit peace love and mungbeans...

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Those pancakes sound great, I can visualise the smell of them wafting through the air tempting them to get out of bed!
I suppose when you think about it I have experienced a lot of difficulty in my life so it would stand to reason that I would have to spend a lot more time to process all of that and recover and behaving like a philosopher. A lot of my life has been disfunctional so that leaves me with little bandwidth to think about expanding my horizons or doing things to better myself so that would explain why I have spent my life stuck. Also my father was not a supportive person and actually behaving like a hidden enemy so that would cause me to be stuck and unable to come up with long term plans as well or work on myself. It is like struggling financially, your not thinking of saving for something but just paying when the bills come in. I suppose with these things you just have to work through what is going on inside your brain and this will probably change the way you see things and what you want and when your ready, the universe will probably accommodate the new you so that you can grow and become a better and happier you.
Hope your having a nice weekend Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

Thank you for asking, I am having a lovely weekend, just taking some time to do some things to recharge my mental health too, so sorry for the late reply.

You have experienced so very much in your short life, and not much has been able to set you up for growth and for celebration, I love the analogy you used about being financially strapped, you are so right, the last thing you are thinking of is saving when you are just trying to get through each bill. Very true, however there is a new opportunity for you now to consider saving, to wonder, to search and you are doing all the right things to be able to start saving and putting the money in your mental health bank, things that you can do to put a dollar in the "saving" fund. Finding some hobbies you love, finding some things that make you feel good about you, reaching out to people for support, getting a plan with your doctor, you are doing so many good things and making those deposits in your 'mental health fund".

You have started the race almost 200m further back from the start line, but you are lining up to race A, you are trying and you are giving yourself the best chance to not only be in the race but to win...you are doing so well.

I just made a tuna bake which some people gag at but I love them and have not had one in soo long, was chatting to another friend here and he reminded me of how much I love them, so as soon as I finish this message to you I am going to sit down and watch the MND Big Freeze telecast and eat some..lol..it has gotten cool this arvo so perfect weather for it.

How has your weekend been A?

chat some more to you soon my friend

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so pleased to hear that you have been spending the long weekend recharging your batteries. It sounds like you are a person who listens closely to what your mind and body is saying to you and acting on it to keep yourself more balanced in life by doing things that are important to you. Not having priorities in life can cause you to lead a life that is not fulfilling and lead to an unhappy Sarah.
Last week I missed out on going to the psychologist because she did a double booking but looks like tomorrow is going ahead which is good because I have been doing a lot of writing about how I would like to feel alive again. I feel like I am living my whole life thinking about all the things that I don't have and all the things that I am scared of and I would like to replace all of that with a life that gives me meaning. It will be good to get some more insights into managing triggers so that I don't feel scared all the time even though the session can be triggering itself.
I feel like maybe I need to get involved in social causes with everything that has been happening in the world for the last couple of weeks so that I get myself thinking about the world around me instead being stuck in my miserable thoughts about everything that is wrong with my life and all that holds me back. If I do that it may lead to me interacting with people who are also concerned with everything that is wrong with the world and the direction that the world is heading in.
Thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

What an awesome post. It is so positive and you are doing so many good things to get yourself into the best version of you. I am so pleased to hear you have been writing and thinking about ways you can embrace life. It is a point that sometimes when u focus on the negative you tend to live there.. however you do need to address the past in order to make peace and move forward. Thinking about all the good things you want in your life could be another book... projecting all the things you want to experience and the ways you can bring these to life. How exciting.

I am trying to take notice of what I am feeling and with a lot on my plate I need to listen to my feelings and take time for me too. Thank you for your support too A. I am learning so much from chatting to you too.. your strength and determination is so admirable.

All the best for your session tomorrow. I am so very proud of you A. Apart from the things you have written do you have a goal for tomorrow that you want to achieve or something specific you want to conquer? You don’t have to share what it is as it is a personal space . I just found it challenging for me so when I set a goal to either understand something specific or to accept a certain situation I felt very much in control of my healing which was important for me.

I am also happy for the people who read your post and can see the fragile person you were when you first posted her to the man who is full of courage and determination today.

On another note.. are you watching Big Brother...wow.. what an insight into people... lol

Huge hugs To you A.

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

That big brother program seems like such a scary proposition to be in, I would imagine they would find it exhausting and wouldn't want to do it again!
It is hard isn't it when you have a lot on your plate with all the different things that you have to think about and the difficulty of knowing how to find balance so that you can feel as good as you can. It certainly helps if the people in your life are considerate towards you to make it easier to manage all those priorities and feelings so that it isn't even more difficult.
I suppose the main goal that I have for seeing the psychologist is to improve my self esteem so that I stop feeling so bad about myself because I keep thinking about what other people have done to me and the mistakes I have made, I would like to be able to love myself again and see myself as worthwhile and not a lost cause. You have no confidence in the future that things will go well because you start expecting bad situations instead of good ones. Sometimes when I am on my roller coaster of emotions things pop into my head about possible bad things happening which is no way to live. You don't want to live a life where you can't spot the joys that happen in life because your anticipating the next thing that will go wrong or unenjoyable thing you will have to do. I suppose it is like I want to rediscover the joys problems being a small thing and joy being the main part
Thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning A

I do agree, Big Brother would be pretty intense and to have your self put on TV for all the Country to see and essentially judge is ALOT...I could not do it!

You are right in that balance is a very important thing to be mindful of and I think I am getting better at it, I took some time for me yesterday and had a coffee with a friend and some retail therapy too, which was nice just to wander in the shops and not have a care in the world, I really enjoyed it actually.

How did your appointment go and how are you feeling today? I think self love and self esteem are wonderful things to work on and once you can see the good in you and let yourself see the good in you other things seem to fall into place more easily. You can then accept that good things will happen to you as you know you deserve them and that you are looking for good things and for a new direction and change. It does take some time and some practice so please don't think this is easy, you will have great days and not so great days too, and this is all part of the process, it really is how you shake off those bad days and continue on searching for the good.

As you know, you cannot control others, their opinions or their behavior, but you can control how you respond and what you take on board and what you choose to disregard. And to be fair, what others think of you, you will come to see, is not your concern or worry, it does take some time to get to this place but if you are being kind, respectful and treat others with love and gratitude and be the best version of you, then if they think otherwise or have something to say..good o for them!

I know I go on about it but I see so much good in you A, the way you are striving to be the best version of you amid the challenges you have faced in a tough life, it really is such a credit to you, I am so impressed at how you are managing this, I really am.

Another cool but magnificent day in Melbourne today, I love this fresh sunny days, it does make me feel happy.

Do you have anything planned for today A?

Chat to you some more my friend, off to check the veggie patch is not freezing..lol

Hugs as always

Sarah xx