Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Aaronsis]

You are so very right and have hit the nail on the head, that is the beauty of a place like this in that there are so many people here, those that read, those that post, those with a professional degree in mental health and those that don't, together we can all be here to share and to talk, to let others know that they are not alone and that there are other people who feel just as they do, or have had the very same experience and together we provide hope, help, support and a pair of ears to listen.

The other thing is that there are people here who just read, that what we say and what we talk about can actually impact a person who does not post but who reads the story of another and feels supported, how good is that!

Feel free to get involved as much or as little as you like, as you know, this is a really safe and caring space and I am sure that anyone would be delighted to share their story with you and to have your support A. It is really an amazing feeling when you can connect through a forum, with a person you have never met and provide hope.

I am pretty much certain that you will not turn out like your father, you know why...because you are very aware of the traits in him and the person he was and you don't want this for yourself, so you will not let it happen..simple as that!

Off to do some plumbing now...yep day in the life of me...lol

Chat soon my friend

Sarah

[Sasha74]

Hi Curious77,

I am truly sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. I don’t have a lot of advice unfortunately, however I do know there’s no way to rush through the grief process. All I can suggest is to be very kind and gentle with yourself and keep talking.

know that you’re not alone and you are heard.

Hugs xxx

[Curious77]

Hello Sasha and Sarah

Thank you for your support and listening to me. Unfortunately I have not been kind with myself because me and my father had a very bad relationship in the sense that it was abusive so I have been struggling with all that he did to me and all the unanswered questions of why he behaved that way towards me and my mun and brother.
I went to my first session with the psychologist this afternoon as I suffer from trauma and anxiety and depression and it is looking promising in that I am hoping that the tools that she gives me will allow me to manage my anxieties and emotions better so that I can become a more relaxed and happy person instead of feeling like I have no hope for the future which makes me miserable. It is horrible being fearful of the future and what bad situations there maybe in the future because I can't even remember the last time I was happy.
These forums are a great place to learn from each other and support each other so hopefully everybody gets something good out of reading posts and maybe interacting so I hope these forums are helping you Sasha as I know your having a hard time.
Thanks for listening
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

Just checking in and seeing how you are doing after a few days has past since your appointment with your therapist. How are you feeling? I hope that the session was productive for you and mostly though that you felt comfortable and like this is a person who will be able to help you navigate your way through to a happy you.

I look forward to hearing about your journey, only as much as you want to share tho and I mostly cannot wait to hear of days ahead when you can feel truly happy again. These days are not far away A. You are doing so much great stuff and I am so beyond proud of you.

I wanted to check in with you to also see how your mum is doing? I am wondering if she is coping OK with the passing of your father, even though they parted long ago I am just hoping that this has not stirred up things for her either.

Have you got anything planned for the weekend A?

Not much for me, just might plant a few more veggies, this gardening thing is kind of good...lol..who would have thought!

Hugs to you
Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for your care and concern by checking in on me to see how I am going.
I have been feeling down about how my mum has been going with her concern about me and how much I have deteriorated mentally and the lack of support I have been getting from people she thinks should be showing more. I feel like she is in real pain because I am in pain and that makes me feel bad as I suspect maybe she thinks I am going to harm myself if I deteriorate more,
The psychologist is somebody that I felt comfortable but I find that as I think more about what we talked about I find it unsettling and daunting especially when she talked about how my brain is constantly activating chemicals that means I am constantly looking for danger and unable to relax and the scaring I have suffered in my brain because of trauma. I have also been reliving shocking moments in the past that have traumatised me. I feel like the mountain is far bigger than I thought and it will be hard to undo it all. It also really I unsettled me what she said about what it feels like to view a body. As you can tell I have been shocked by what she brought up the more I think about.
Hopefully over the weekend I can switch my brain off by not thinking so much and that will be good.
Thanks for listening Sarah,
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

That is tough that you mum is not doing too well. It is hard when those we “expect” to stand up and help us or support us don’t.. sometimes they may not know how or are just not capable... non the less we cannot make people do what we want or need... which is hard to digest.

Maybe you could reassure your mother or how you are tracking and the good things you are doing to move down the path to feeling better and stronger.. also maybe some reassurance from you that you don’t have plans to hurt yourself.

Reflection after therapy can be painful as new realisations come to the surface as well as new feelings and it is bloody hard. Maybe taking a note of these feelings and thoughts and how you are reacting to them, this might be the foundation for the next session and to help manage these topics and your response to them too. It is a lot and it does bring up a lot of mud but ultimately this is what therapy is for to boil that water and then let the pain go like the steam that comes off and into the atmosphere and away. Takes time and the right therapist but you will get there A.

The mountain may look so high when you look up and dread the journey.. maybe just look straight in front and see the view in front and not be overwhelmed at the enormity of the mountain. As you move up the next time you do catch a glimpse of the top you may be surprised at how far you have climbed.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend and do something fun that gives you joy and a smile.

Huge hugs to you A and I am so proud of you for getting through that tough session.

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think with my mum it doesn't help that she tends to get angry and can lash out at people so she tends to push people away when what she actually needs to do is talk to people so that she can process her feelings better. She has a habit of brooding and being angry which affects her sleep and motivation so I am really worried about her. I think it doesn't help that I have lost my motivation and the ability to move forward like I used to be but I do tell her any efforts that I am making but not the bad stuff that is going through my mind with the psychologist as that will just make it worse. I think my lack of sleep probably makes me look really bad as well. Hopefully this time when I go to the psychologist I won't be shaken up so much that it will make mum angry again about my father like last week. I feel like I need a way to make myself better without destroying my mum in the process and me too because of all the horrible stuff it brings up. I feel like I am not being constructive and just making our lives worse by being mentally ill.
Hopefully your having a nice time in the veggie patch or doing other things with the kids that make you smile.
Thanks for listening Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I understand totally how your mum is concerned and worried and taking on all the feelings of your pain and your past too. She may feel her own battle with it and maybe even guilt that she could not protect you. As a mother you child will always be your concern, whether you are 10 or 40 years old..she loves and cares for you very much. I think it is a good idea to moderate what you do tell her as far as your journey and the things you are working through at therapy. Use your therapist to walk you through the mud and your mum to provide the love care and support. She too sounds like she could use a bit of support too.. maybe you could do a session with her in amongst your sessions.. so she can help with your healing but perhaps get something out of it for her healing too. She may even decide to get some support herself.

I have spent the weekend keeping my cats out of the veggies.. grrr.. they are pushing my buttons and just want to get in the dirt with the fertiliser... not happy... lol

my kids will arrive soon, just have a lamb roast in the slow cooker to make wraps for dinner... yum

How has your weekend gone A? Hope the sun is shining where you are. I am going to take a coffee and sit outside to get the last few rays of the day.

Always here for you.. your strength and determination is very admirable A.. very admirable.

huge hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think my mum feels terrible that she was not able to protect me from all the hate that I have experienced and that I did not extracate myself out of it and that by the time I figured out what my father was doing to me it was too late and the mental damage begun. As a consequence I now have so much stuff to work through that I find it overwhelming so she must be wondering whether she will ever get her happy son back or will I always be miserable and just give up on trying to make myself better. I think she has recovered from the relationship she had with my father and it does not cause any issues for her but I think it is just me that is making her angry and sad. She knows that it isn't her fault that she stayed with him for so long as we were isolated with few people to help her and limited English. Her entire immediate family lives overseas so where was going to get help from so she understands at that level it was always difficult for her to get out. She did the best she could in a terribly lonely position and I suspect her faith in God has always helped her to cope as well.
I hope those cats are behaving themselves and thanks for listening Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I just wanted to respond to what you said about "not extricating yourself" out of the situation..well can I suggest that as a child you have no reference point, how do you know that what you are experiencing is not what "should" happen in a family, and I use the word "should" as many families operate in many different ways and just because we are different does not mean abuse. As children we trust our parents and we think that what they say and do is how things should be done...how on Earth were you to extricate yourself from this situation? It takes until we are older and have some life experience under our belt and something else to compare our life to before we realize what we lived was not healthy.

You mentioned that your mother is sad and angry as you are not doing so well, that she seems fine and like she has dealt with the pain of your father. Can I suggest that sometimes as parents we do put ourselves last and that she perhaps has much pain but she worries about her son first. That she wants you to be 'better" more than she wants to be better?

I also want to ask you a pretty hard question here...you mentioned you understand and accept that your mother needed to stay, that she was isolated and that she has limited English and her support systems are overseas, that she did what she could, can I ask why you cannot extend the same understanding for yourself, and the same acceptance of trying to manage the best one can for yourself?

You will be happy again A, you are working too hard not to, you are doing so many things right when it could be easier to throw your arms up in the air and walk away and just give up on you. It will take time, you have some work to do, but you are doing it and you will reap the rewards. It is overwhelming and it is a long road ahead but with one foot infront of the other you will get there.

You ask about my cats well they have not redeemed themselves for yeeting my plants from one side of the yard to the other, however today it has rained so much in Melbourne that they have not been outside, so they are safe, the plants too...lol. It was raining so much my daughter asked if it was too much water for the plants..I asked her if she thought I should be standing out there with an umbrella over them..she said I should...hmmmm

It is great to chat to you A and I am looking forward to hearing from you and also how your next session goes and how you feel about it.

Hugs

Sarah