Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I hope you are doing well and you have had things to smile about. You have been having a hard time and it has probably been harder for you to see people given that there has been a lock down and the media have been talking about things that trigger people more than usual. A big hug for you Sarah.
I woke up this morning and got a beautiful message about wanting to live and breathe and laughing and smiling will come back to me and that I can build myself up again. It is like what you said about hitting rock bottom and rising again.
It came at a good time because I was worrying myself realizing that I have nothing to get me up in the morning and nothing to motivate me. All I was thinking about was things that worry me about the future and my deficiencies. I also got a post from you which made me feel better too. I phoned up the police to see if they can contact him about telling him what has happened but they have no record of him and the salvo's don't do family tracing anymore so don't know what I should do and I don't know whether he would talk to me anyway.
I am low on energy anyway and everything feels like hard work and worrying so i feel self defeated a lot of the time and that I should be doing more so I feel guilty that I am in a kind of paralysis. I feel like my world has opened up but I am too scared to act or know what I should do.
Thanks for your wonderful post Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

A very daunting time for you A and I am not shocked to hear that you are feeling low on energy and feeling depleted. This is a tough time for you and I hope you can just do things in small bites and not feel like you have to do everything today for an outcome tomorrow. Just baby steps, one thing at a time and be kind to you.

I am so happy to hear that you got a beautiful message to remind you of the joy in living, the goodness in life, that breathing mindfully is a great way to keep internal peace and also that it is wonderful to be able to laugh and smile, that there are things in your life that are good and that you deserve to be happy.

Thank you so much for your care of me and your hug and thinking of how I am doing. That is so very kind of you and I really appreciate it A. It is a full plate for me at the moment but I am just doing what I would tell another and taking one step at a time, trying to do things that make me happy, yesterday my daughter and I planted a veggie garden, and I try to do some painting which is a new thing I have been doing since COVID. Life is good and while it has its bumps, it is pretty good.

I just wanted to ask what you were meaning when you were saying " I phoned up the police to see if they can contact him about telling him what has happened but they have no record of him and the salvo's don't do family tracing anymore so don't know what I should do and I don't know whether he would talk to me anyway." I am not sure if I missed who you were talking about here and if you wanted to share some more of what you were talking about there?

I am off to have some lunch I cannot believe where the day has gone....flying...

Chat soon my friend

Sarah x

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Sorry for not being clear in my previous post in relation to the police, I was talking about my brother who stopped talking to my mum without saying anything to her and left my mum heart broken and we drifted apart years before that. I was going to see if I can tell him what happened but no luck. It affects me mentally that I let the relationship fall away as that is what seems to happen a lot in our family. It hurts me that our relationship fell apart and I would love to have a conversation with him to mend the bridge between us. I should have talked with him what was bothering him about me instead of letting the gap between us get wider. Mum loves him so much and thought they were close and could not fathom how he stopped talking so it really is an unsolved better for me and mum.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Sorry about pressing the reply button by accident when I had more to say. I feel like such a failure that I am repeating the patterns of my father about being able to have close relationships and working on my ability to have healthy relationships. I feel like I don't even know what healthy relationships look like and how to make them work and it scares me when I try to meet people that I really have no idea of how to connect with people. All I know is disfunctional relations so I have a kind of social phobia. I think the breakdown with bother really somes it up.
I am so glad you and your daughter spent time in the garden and your interest in art sounds very therapeutic. The simple things in life are great aren't they,
Thanks for listening Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I am sorry your relationship with your brother is not good, I too have the same situation as you know. I think though that it really does take two to build a relationship, just as it takes two to mend a broken relationship and two to damage one. It is hard in that you cannot contact your brother to let him know of your father's passing which is really tough. Families are a really tricky thing A, I have found anyway, I dont really have a great relationship with my mother or my brother, it does eat me up and sometimes riddles me with guilt, however it is not only on me and at anytime they could make an effort to mend the damage of the past. I have friends that I would consider to be more meaningful to me in my life than my family and as horrible as that is to say, just because one has the title of "family" does not mean that they have a place in your life, or you have boundaries as to the place they have in your life.

I can hear how frightened you are and how confused you are as to what and how to manage and to navigate your way through future relationships, I think though you are further along the track than you know. Relationships are sometimes like a mirror, what you give you get back, well in a healthy relationship anyway. You have experienced first hand the way an unhealthy relationship goes so now you actually have more insight than you realize to make some great relationships in the future. If you treat people how you would like to be treated, with respect, with honesty, with integrity you usually get it back, and great friendships form. I think also taking it one day at a time and not thinking about that you have to have every situation figured out and the whole road ahead figured out, this is overwhelming to think about. Day by day, situation by situation and it will all come together. People will love you for who you are and you are finding out who that is too, sure you will make mistakes and that is fine too, it is as you know how you recover that is important. That you can say sorry, that you can learn from your past. You are doing this A and you are making some great progress.

There are even people who do life coaching, Who help with this sort of thing. Maybe that is something that you might find helpful for you.

Also try not to get bogged down with the thoughts that past relationships is how future ones go. You have got some great insight as to what you don't want and how you do want to be treated, which is great.

Hugs to you A

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think you are right about me seeing someone about my issues to do with relating to other people because the shame and guilt that I feel about my past cause me to feel anxiety about opening up to other people because I feel like it would paint a really bad picture about what I am like and whether I am a person not worth knowing. I worry that if you don't have a history of good relationships with family and friends it paints a picture of you been damaged goods and not valuing the people in your life. Sometimes when I come across people that I haven't seen in a while, I was scared of talking about what was going on in my life in case they think that I am stupid for interacting with my father and that I deserve everything that has happened to me or what they call victim blaming.
I have a lot of toxic thoughts about stigma in society and making myself look pathetic and I need to be more trusting of other people and not letting any judgement that I may experience from themeffecting me. It has made me an isolated person so I really need help to open my heart and mind so that I can enjoy people's company.

Thanks for listening to my issues.
Hugs to you Sarah
A.

[Aaronsis]

I hear what you are saying and it is daunting when you see someone who you haven't for a long time and you have had alot going on and you feel vulnerable. I too have people who kind of avoid me due to not knowing how to talk to me about suicide, or that they worry about how I will feel about talking about my brother, but if they just asked me, and stopped to think about being themselves and saying that they are having trouble we could talk about it...my point is that what people think of you A is really not your concern...hard to think about that isn't it..but you can worry yourself and make yourself the version of you for this person and then the version of you for that person..how exhausting and how do you ever get to be you when you try to be everything to everyone thinking about what they want from you. The only person's opinion of you who matters is your own..that if you are being kind, being warm, being honest and being you, then those who want to join your walk in life will, those who don't..cool, they can walk with others...but you are finding out now who you are, how to express yourself and how to treat you with the respect you deserve.

These feelings of uncertainty are to be expected when you have been treated so poorly, however, as time goes on and you practice accepting love and friendships and being you and giving love and friendship you will get better and better at it and it will sit more comfortably with you.

You know the other really cool thing....the fact you want to be a contributing factor to a good relationship is wonderful, the fact you do want to grow and you do want to make meaningful connections means ultimately you will, because you will see it happens...how exciting is that!

It is my absolute pleasure to chat to you A, you are a delight and I just wish you could see what I can see and that is a wonderful human with a huge heart who wants to make a new go in life...how bloody awesome is that!!

I am watching the voice and just blown away at the talent people have, I would love to be able to sing....

Off to watch some more Tik Toks..lol

Hugs

Sarah xxxx

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for your inspiring and constructive posts. It is such a pleasure having chats with you as well because you have such a caring nature towards other people and you really do want to help others. It is so admirable that you are using all that you have learnt and learning to reduce other people's suffering rather than just keeping it in your own tool kit. I think it is through people like you that the attitudes towards mental illness will change like the experiences that you have with people that you know about your brother which is a shame.
I think in my case it is even more important that I learn to talk and communicate what is going on inside me because I suspect that people don't think that I am suseptable to mental illness because when I was buying a cup of coffee today the woman said that I have such a happy face so people might be less likely to ask me if I am OK or that I am struggling as much as I am. I think it might work against me so maybe I am trying to hard to make people think I am OK or not genuinely communicating through body language as well as I should that I am not well, not only through words.
Thanks for listening Sarah
Hugs
A.

[Aaronsis]

Good morning A

It is great to chat to you and I was so happy to hear that the lady at the coffee shop said you have a happy face, that is really lovely of her. But I can hear that you are concerned that your lack of being able to chat and to communicate your feelings might give off the impression to others you are ok when in actual fact you are not. I think a few things here on this one...firstly...sometimes making yourself feel happy and smiling actually does induce a feeling of happiness, so "faking it" sometimes has some positives. Secondly, you are so very aware that what you are projecting to the everyday person is not how you are actually feeling. I think if you can find one or two people to have as your support people, that you can open up to to say "hey I look just fine but I am actually not, can we chat?"...then the faking it part is not a mask you are always wearing and it may even become truth, and that you are actually feeling better knowing you do have people to share pain and hurt with. I don't think you have to walk around "looking sad" all the time if even if this is how you are feeling, a smile, even if forced sometimes really can help a small amount.

You really are so very much more emotionally aware and intelligent than you give yourself credit for A, thank you so very much for saying to me that I might make a difference. That is the only thing I want, to be able to help and to give a person who is at perhaps their darkest moment a reason to consider that there is hope. As you know I was not able to do that with my own brother so whether it is me trying to make up for that, so I will now give my time and my learnings to others. Not as punishment but because what if I am the only person in that one moment who does, and it makes another feel something good, to help another family avoid what our family went and goes through. Thank you A

I also wanted to say that I can see you are reaching out to others too, this is the magic of a place like this..when you are chatting to someone, helping them and supporting them and then you see them reach out to another with support, the beauty of good humans! So thank you for not only being here to get some support but for giving too.

Huge hugs to you today A

Sarah x

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Wow you have noticed that I am making some attempts to reach out to people. There are so many people in these forums who could do with love and kindness and most of the time I read posts and don't know how I would approach trying to reach out to the post but if I can say something then I do as I want to at least let the person know that someone is reaching out. I think it is nice when someone hears you and wants to support you when you are low especially when your mind is everywhere and you have no energy. I for example am in the situation where I have no one to turn to, even one or two people, so these forums are really helpful as I can get input from some wonderful people like you that can get me thinking out side my own messy mind. I think when your scared and anxious your working against yourself so you really need other people to get you thinking more clearly. I just hope that I never become a real negative in people's lives like my father!
As always lovely to hear from you Sarah
A.