Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I am so pleased that you have the tools and people to help you through the times that you are struggling. I feel like I could use some tools to use when I get triggered by things that I see on TV particularly about domestic violence. I also get triggered by conversations sometimes but I know the person is not trying to make me uncomfortable. I feel so sentitive about things and I wish I could do a better job of controlling my emotions and anxieties and I am so flat.
Even being at home creates an unease in me and triggers memories so I am hoping to come across other housing arrangements if the opportunity presents.
I found out that a cousin of mine passed away four years ago and had been struggling mentally for years. I feel like I share a lot in common with her struggles with childhood and her mental state based on what I heard so it has hit me hard and I feel like I could end up feeling that much pain as well. She was even born not even a week before me.
Thanks for your positive comments about our chats and the way I have been coming across and progress.

Big hugs to you Sarah
A.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Curious77,
  It's wonderful to hear that you have seen a GP and have a referral. Our community is so proud of you. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it - well done.

We recognise that that you are coping with a lot at the moment. We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. We understand that relating to her in these ways might feel quite concerning, so we just wanted to let you know that if you find yourself feeling particularly overwhelmed before receiving further mental health support, please know that there is help available to you.   The Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.   Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - it's wonderful to see that you have developed such an affinity with Sarah. Please remember that our community is all behind you, wishing you the very best on this journey.

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I would be more than happy to share some of the tools that I have for coping and especially for triggers. See I will share with you one thing that I struggle with to this day and that is when someone innocently says in conversation "hang in there", to most it is a term of support, to me, I feel like my breathe has been punched out of me, even typing this I am a little shaky, however, I want to share with you what happens then, I quickly go into self talk of "they are being kind", "they are not trying to hurt you", "they have no idea this is a trigger for you", "no everyones dies by

[Aaronsis]

...sorry..damn computers..read the below first.

"not everyone dies by suicide"...I then have to tell my close friends that that expression is a trigger for me. I then rely on some of the things I have learnt about suicide and do a few deep breathes. For you your triggers are when you unexpectedly see or hear things on TV about DV..you could go straight to self talk "that is not directed at me", " I am ok, I am fine", "it was not my fault", "I am going to move out of this space"..breathe and understand that the things on TV are for awareness and think of it as positive to encourage those that suffer to speak up, that it might be that one add that makes a person call a help line or call a family member to come and get them, sure .it makes you panic but if we can come at it from the other side and see it for good and see it as it might save someone. Sometimes limiting things like regular TV might also help, until you are feeling a bit stronger so that you don't have to expose yourself to surprises that catch you off guard.

It does take practice to control emotion, this is no easy feat so please go easy on yourself, you are trying so hard, I too am trying each day too and it is a journey, it does get better but not overnight. Some days are also easier than others too...controlling emotion is hard and sometimes we need to address the issues deeply to get the emotion out so it is not so intense.

I am glad you are thinking about alternative housing as you want your home to be comfort and warm, a place to recharge and heal and if the house is a trigger for you I would suggest trying to see what you can do in that space to find an alternative and to do the things you can to remove some of these triggers.

I am so very sorry to hear of your cousins passing, I guess with the introduction of family coming back into your life you are going to be faced with news both good and bad that you are catching up on after all these years, it is a lot to try to think about all at once..can I suggest that as her story was similar to yours you are making comparisons and drawing conclusions that "happened to her, she was like me, that will happen to me"? The reason I say that is I had some really tough weeks to get through when I thought my kids would take their lives, this was because I was still in so much pain with my brother and learning about suicide that to me, everyone died by suicide, including my kids..we know this is not true...

Running out of space..

Chat some more soon

S

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah and Sophie,

Thank you for all your suggestions and tips. I can really do with trigger management.
I feel like I am under pressure by people to move on and change my feelings and doing things and I just feel like I am not being given a chance to psychologically recover.
It makes me feel inadequate and unheard when people tell me that I cannot stay in the past and I need to do this and that so without these forums I would struggle so much more without having an outlet and support such as this forum.
I just feel like people think that you are wasting time being mentally unwell and that the world cannot adjust for the state that your in.

Thanks for your support
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

Trigger management sounds like a great idea, you know what, I could probably do with some of that too to be honest. I have found the grief counselling so very helpful and maybe that is something that you could try too. To help you with not only the passing of your father but to help you through grieving your old life and the way your life used to be, even though the past was hard for you and full of trauma you are not going to have that anymore from your father, and while it seems obvious to think that is a good thing, sometimes we are so used to a certain way that when it is no longer there it is feeling also of loss. There is a new way to get through the days with out the trauma.

I am so sorry you are feeling pressure from others to "move on" and to essentially "get over it", the feeling of being judged is really hard. Sometimes people just don't know how to help also so they try and it ends up coming out all wrong too, we have to try to see that mostly people do have our best interest at heart. However you don't "need" to do anything, you get through this the best way that feels right for you, you are seeing a GP and you are talking and that is so wonderful. You really have so much self awareness and you are trying so hard and this is so wonderful.

I am glad you feel safe here and like it is a place to share and to get some support, we are here for you.

Hugs

S

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thank you so much for your advice Sarah. Your such a smart person.
I have started trying to listen to community radio that is left wing focused and I am finding it to be interesting listening to people talk about mental illness and people who struggling with isoation and I am finding it less triggering than TV. I think it is helping because they concentrate on issues and not so sensational so it feels better. I feel less alone so it helps.
It scares me that the only life that I know is one of abuse where I felt like I was nothing but a punching bag and now that's gone, I am worried that I am not going to be able to build healthy relationships with people and then I am going to go down hill like my cousin and end up stuck in a black hole like she was. I am also sad that I won't be able to get close to people or connect with them because of fear of getting into another bad situation or that I will be rejected.
I am also worried about my financial situation because I have been out of work for a long time and I don't know what I am going to do in that space. But one day at a time.

Thanks so much for chatting Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

Happy to be here for you, I don't think I am smart A, just a person who cares and who has also had their fair share of hits over life and has learnt a thing or two, I guess that is how your "tool bag" develops. You have got many tools too now that you are using to manage in your life. This is how we grow and we learn and we make other choices and grow a better life. Some things come without choice, however we can rummage around in that tool bag and find something.

The radio sounds like a great alternative to being connected without the triggers and the fact you are learning and enjoying it and connecting. Great choice and I am so happy you have found something that you can enjoy.

I just wanted to say with regards to your life, that you only know the life you have had, true, that is true for all of us, however we do know that there are other ways, and you know this too. That the abuse and the life of old is in fact not how your future has to be, you can and will choose better as you don't want to revisit that life. I think that is the learning you have found here, that you don't want to be treated like that, you don't want that life, so you will not choose it for yourself. You will be able to have very healthy relationships and you will get close to people, as you learn and discover new feelings and also accept how to be treated in a healthy relationship and you will in turn treat that other person the same, and learn together. This being true for friendships and any relationship. It will be a journey. You will also know from the past what you don't want and it will become very obvious to you very quickly when you are not being treated well, then you can "not choose" that.

I have a very strong belief in "gut feelings" ..if it feels off it probably is..you might use this in your tool bag too.

The financial part is alot to think about, however as you said, one step at a time and concentrate on getting you better and feeling good and stronger, then take another step.

You are doing so very well A and you really are so positive and doing so many good things already, I am really proud of you as you could have chosen not to, and just give up. You are not doing that and it is so wonderful to witness your growth here.

Hope today brings something happy and something to make you smile.

Hugs as always

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

I think the main problem that I have is that I have spent my whole life avoiding my mental issues so I have not been working on tools for myself to use in situations where my anxieties are triggered, especially in social situations. I should have done what you had done and kept working on myself so that I can control myself and be a better me. I feel like I have left the issues to the point where they have turned into a monster and now events forced it all to the surface and now I am overwhelmed. I should have had the courage to deal with things instead of just continually telling myself that I can't face it and that I am not ready. I also failed to notice what my father was doing to me so it has taken me to hit rock bottom to reach out for help. The other night I was triggered by a show that started to talk about forgiveness and not to feel despair and regret as it is not good for your health and I just was not ready for it so it hit home how desperately I need to work on the tools at my disposal.
Thanks so much for your support Sarah.
A.

[Aaronsis]

Hey A

I hope that today is a good day for you and that you are finding something to feel good about you, you are coming so far along your journey and I am proud of you. You have so very much emotional intelligence as well as a great understanding of what you are feeling and why, this is huge in making "tools" for the future. You said that you should have done what I did and worked on your issues...can I say that my issues only really came last year, so I have been dealing with them ever since...you have lived with this your whole life and how as a child and as a young adult do you realize that what you are living is not healthy? However, you know now and you are doing so many things right to make a path forward, I am sure that just in the past few months the amount of tools you have collected to cope and to manage and to identify and to protect you is huge. You are learning, you are discovering who the new A is and this is daunting and exciting at the same time, so many emotions.

You have been to rock bottom and now you have the beautiful journey of rising. Coming to the surface with strength and with a whole new set of eyes and a whole new love for yourself. You are learning everyday and some of these lessons are painful and some are weird and some are just plain hurtful. You are hearing stories from others that confirm your feelings, you are meeting family members who also shed light on this situation for you, there is so much going on for you.

I feel so proud of you, for being here, for reaching out, for seeking help at your GP, for calling helplines, for crying, for feeling...look at all these things you are doing everyday...this is huge and so wonderful and I am proud of you A.

Maybe there is a piece of writing there waiting for you to do called, "the things I have learnt so far"..where you can see right in front of you all the lessons you are facing and learning and how far you are coming.

Hope you can find something to bring a smile to your face today A, you are worth a huge smile.

Chat soon

Hugs

Sarah