Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Wow you've tackled SO MUCH medical stuff so quickly lol. Did you feel like "while I'm in the zone, I'm gonna go full throttle" ?

You ARE alot like me lol.

Wow a decision to take the house off for a while, well done guys... how are you feeling about that?
I'm hoping you're feeling some type of relief of sorts?

It would be wonderful if the interested buyer sold and everything worked out without all the palaver of open homes etc.

I know you told us how long you've been married approx... but is it still quite new?
DH sounds like a sweet man. Still... a ... man lol... but no one can understand PTSD unless they have it... I really couldn't explain it to anyone for a LONG LONG time.

And then alot of people say things as if they know and it's not good. Assuming is not good. Asking questions if we can even deal with answering is so much kinder and more caring IME.

But I've found my own nutshell explanation now... sort of like this... imagine being locked into a round room with full surround sound and full visuals 360 degrees. Then your WORST experiences are replayed and you have no escape. You can't get out. You can't stop it.

AND this can happen ANY time without ANY warning. NO triggers necessary.

Silence is their response. Oh. I didn't know it was like that. Yeah. Can be.

Then we get treatment.

Oh I am so glad you tried the Dr Joe Dispenza stuff and I can't explain it but wow solid sleep lol. Well done you. Dr Joe explains it all in his books. He's quite the miracle healer.
I wonder if you coped with his accent? lol.
My bf grew up in California just like Dr Joe did.
Now they BOTH live WAY up the top of America right near each other lol.

I say my bf has a voice that's as smooth as caramel. Dr Joe ALMOST has lol. But his voice is soothing and it's an experience to fall asleep to in the most complimentary ways I'm sure lol!

I hope you feel more relaxed now. I'm so happy you're having some or LOTS of breakthroughs to make things more manageable atm.

Lots of love
EM

[Jlee81]

Hii

new here . Anxious about posting.
mm a little about me.
i have C-PTSD. I live alone, have 2 dogs. Love them.
I have no family- chose that. Had to remove Toxicity from my life.
the only social aspect of my life is work. I manage a place. 20 staff including me.
this year has been hard for everyone.
computer software crash beginning of the year. Then corona virus. Shut down for a month with 17 staff stood down. I worked.
anyway. The stress of everyones anxieties and stress seem to be put on me. One staff said she is just venting, but is constant. Boss has been yelling and pointing his finger at me a lot lately.
i thought i was doing amazing then bang. 2 panic/ anxiety attacks last friday. Monday am i lost it. I havent been down that emotional black tunnel in such a long time. It feels like it was a dream.

im posting as i have no one that understands and no one to talk to.
i have had today off with bad anxiety about going to work tomorrow knowing that the incident and myself would have been discussed with everyone. I have severe fear about going in and loosing my job.

I was doing soo well.
quit smoking( 36 yrs of smoking) started going to the gym. Great positive things... then i get to work and as soon as i walk in i feel like ive been hit with bag of shit.

im so stressed out and emotional i dont know what to do with myself or to overcome this anxiety going into work tomorrow.

thank you all for listening ( reading)

my post. I hope you are all doing well and are supported through this time

xx jlee81

[Mara56]

Dear Jlee 81,

I am so glad you reached out. I usually only post on here once a day but when I saw your post I wanted to reply immediately.

Firstly welcome to the forum. This is a safe place and I’m glad you found the courage to reach out. Sometimes it helps to start a thread, you’ll find so much support from others who understand the complexity of dealing with C-PTSD.

I have had C-PTSD since I was a child. I managed thanks to my psych to get to a stage where my symptoms were under control. 18 months ago an event happened that triggered my PTSD and as a result I’ve experienced 18 months of hell. It’s been years since I had panic attacks, insomnia, anxiety etc. It’s hard when you’ve been doing well to spiral again. So understand how tough it must be for you. Be gentle with yourself.

Are you see a Counsellor or psychologist? If not it might be worthwhile to talk to your GP about a mental health plan.

In meantime have you tried meditation? There are some good, short guided meditations on YouTube. It might help to calm you. Also do you have a bath? I sometimes find soaking in a hot bath, and listening to some relaxing music helps me.

Truly hope tomorrow is easier than you anticipate.

Take care and stay safe

Mara

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Lol it was more like I phoned and they had a cancellation for both appointments so I thought meant to be. It’s better I didn’t have too long to think about it. Weird thing is the radiology place had a cancellation for a mammogram appt tomorrow but I'd already booked the bone density so wasn’t going shift that appt. It’s almost like the Universe has sussed out my avoidance tactics and decided to outsmart me. 😂

I can’t say I’m feeling relaxed yet about the break from home opens. I guess at the back of my mind is the worry about the finances. That said, we needed to rest the adds. It had been up too long. Besides we had more advertising fees to pay, plus all the end of financial fees, rates etc. So we decided to rest it. My DH was worried about the stress the home opens were causing me, so he suggested it. I had bought it up a while back but this time he brought it up.

DH and I have been together for 8 years and married for 7. During that time he’s supported me through a plethora of health issues. It has only been the last 18 months that he’s seen me dealing with PTSD symptoms. Up till then I had the PTSD pretty much under control. He doesn’t understand as you say unless you have it how can you understand? But he does love me and he is committed to me. I feel confident in our relationship, given my past relationships that’s a miracle.

I think your explanation of PTSD is accurate. I might use that explanation in future. It might help people understand more.

I have to be honest, it’s going to take me a while to get use to Dr Joe’s accent. Lol. I’ll get around to reading his books one day but ATM my brain still struggles with concentration. So far it’s working listening to him. Fingers crossed it continues to work. I wonder if you find Dr Joe’s accent soothing because he’s from the same area as your BF Lol.

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed. I’m not quite there yet. Mind at the moment I’m sore. The specialist went to town on me today. I have never sun baked always used sun block but unfortunately it’s my type of skin. Got to love my body..........

Lots of love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Yeah gotta love the Universe's timing lol. 🙄

I'm SURE I can listen to Dr Joe more easily because of BFs own soothing and calming voice.
BF has a "radio announcer's" voice it sounds so nice lol, terribly sexy lol. Dr Joe not so much but whatever it is about his sleep Meditations, it works. I go out like a light now even THINKING about his sleep Meditations lol... I used the CDs of his Meditations alot during my time off.
I'm like a light switch now.

Doesn't guarantee I STAY asleep for more than 4h, but most nights I do.

I'm sorry the specialist went to town on your face. Does it really burn?
I found it did when I had it done ages ago. Sore!

I have my psych tomorrow and it's bothering me. I'll say more on my thread later but It's playing on my mind too much.
Plus a horrid meeting at work today has sent my mind into a spin. ALL of our jobs are on the line, permanent workers only. I wish I didn't see what I saw - some casual workers smirking to themselves. This will divide our staff, the last thing we need during a pandemic, after all the other stressors this year with it.

I think the paid ads are crazy costs for Real Estates. Got us over a barrel there for sure.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Oh yes the Universe.... It certainly does have some strange timings. I'm cursing it ATM because the specialist burnt off over 200 pre-cancerous spots on my body. You know how a scab itches when it's healing? Well I have that going on all over my body ATM. Lets just say there has been some cursing at the Universe. Lol.

Dr Joe didn't do it for me last night. I ended up having to Google another meditation. I did drift off after that but had broken sleep all night. Hopefully I sleep better tonight.

I hope your psych appt went well. I just received the reminder for mine next week. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I hope my face at least is healed by next week, otherwise he's going to think I have some for of the plague. Lol. I really don't want to cancel it because I had to cancel this week. Mind I'm not feeling too bad ATM so if I did miss another week it wouldn't be the end of the world. Wow! I've definitely improved on a few weeks back. Lol.

Sorry to hear about your work. So many people's jobs are on the line ATM. My heart goes out to everyone, including yourself. You don't need that stress on top of everything else.

We've paid a fortune for advertising this year. I wish DH had listened to me back in May and held off on listing it again but DH is the most optimistic person I have ever met. He is always happy. He was convinced it would go. And certainly we've had the offers but only 2 that were in the ball park. The one we've currently accepted is the highest, so obviously we'd like them to get the house. Fingers crossed someone buys there's soon.

Well I'm off for a walk. Just hope I don't bump into anyone looking like this. Lol.

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

OH MY GOD 200!!

what the Mara? That's alot!

You poor thing! my body went all arghhh when you talked about the itches. ugh Mara.

Yes you soldier you lol. Missing an appt this week then okay with the next? So happy to hear you talking like this.

I'll be here if you're not and be here when you are - ALL GOOD.

Ahh advertising, gets you every time.

YES the buyers can have yours at the highest offer.... and no more open homes lol and your favourite next home.. I really hope the stars align for all this to happen for you all.

My psych... basically I identified my reaction to her comments... I felt shame.
DO NOT READ my post with a Trigger Warning... not good for anyone with any feelings lol but I'm trying to keep the WHOLE content of this experience on that thread.

Basically as well... the last 2 sessions were for her to collect data on me... and I'm paying.... mmmm.

She emailed another whole set of assessments to me but I guess she'll find out eventually that I'm not going back lol... if she remembers IDK but there it is.

I'll phone up at some point and get my down payment back (they keep a good whack of money as "insurance" for us not turning up with no notice).

She did put my PTSD triggering stuff to rest.... she did this other thing which I visualised as a huge layered ball. If I'm feeling "wobbly" as I did once this week with YD, I can peel back the ball and see WHO was the perp - in short.

Once I know.
It vanishes.

Though I spoke to my psych friend today (who's glad I'm exiting now after extracting all we think I can get out of this psych)... about the healing phase and how strange and uncomfortable it feels.

My emotion range has opened up alot more... not deeper, no PTSD tumbling... wider emotional range.. tingly and strange.

Psych friend said to be in the moment. Ground. Take in all the sensory stuff around me and KNOW I am healing.

Thankyou for your help for my girls in our other loungeroom. Your suggestions and advice mean the world to me, I hope you REALLY know that lol.

I already have vague back up plans if job goes south lol. Will do the best I can before then ofcourse. (Oh btw STP thought I should give up work altogether - a place I have never triggered 🙄 that's an eye roll lol).

Onwards and upwards lol!

Love EM

[Jlee81]

Hi Mara

thank you for taking the time to write me 🙂 i feel a little more comfortable now.
im sorry to hear you had been triggered and have been experiencing the results of said trigger.
Am glad you have support around you. You seem very knowledgeable about what helps you through this.
i tried meditation years ago and found it very difficult.
I have decided to try some reading.

i have a psychologist i see but her work days for her clients have changed due to corona.

i also still have issues of telling her that im in distress and need a session.

atm i think was makes it harder to get through these emotions and reactions is that im a lone , no family or actual friends. I also feel uncomfortable talking to much to people as i dont want to burden them with my beep , deep weirs thoughts etc... i feel judged and more abnormal than usual .

i thought joining a group or like this a forum with people in it that understand what im dealing with might help me.

any suggestions would be great and very much appreciated.

so again thank you so much for replying

hope you have had a great day 🙂

jlee xx

[Mara56]

Hi Jlee81,

I am glad that you're feeling more comfortable on this forum. I believe it helps to talk to people who have PTSD & understand what you are going through.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my experience recently. Thankfully things are a little easier than they were a few months back. That said I'm very aware of being in a heightened awareness state pretty much all the time. but the good thing is I know this will pass just as it has before. I have an excellent psychologist & I know that the work we do will get me to a place of peace again.

I've been doing work on myself for a very long time. It took several attempts to find a psych who had the experience to help me. I found him 16 years ago. The work we did in the first few years was confronting but it allowed me to have over 10 years of relative peace until recently. I can't stress how important it is to find a psych that you connect with & who you can trust. What I have come to realise with PTSD is that certain things will trigger you, you get better at handling them but there will be times when you have to revisit the trauma & process it further. It's all part of the healing process. At least that's my belief.

Meditation can be hard at first. I find I have to do a guided meditation. Otherwise trying to stop my brain going overtime is like wrestling a giant octopus. Lol. There are lots of guided meditations on youtube.

Please reach out to your psychologist when you're distressed. I can understand how difficult it is to do that. I use to find that so hard. Certainly when I was first seeing my psych I would never ring between appts. I would tough it out. I know realise how unnecessary me doing that was. In more recent years if I'm having a hard time & I know I need to see him I ring his receptionist & ask her to put me on the cancellation list. I nearly always get an appt fairly quickly. I look at it now as I'm doing them a favour by ringing otherwise they'd have no one to fill the appt. Just a different way to look at it : )

It's not easy when you're on your own but you will always find someone to chat to on the forums. Try starting up your own thread. You'll be surprised by how many people reach out to you.

Do you have Netflix? If you do may I suggest you watch Brene Brown "A Call to Courage" It may help explain some of what your experiencing. Definitely worth a look.

I hope you have had a good day.

Take care and stay safe

Mara

[Mara56]

Oh Em I am in so much pain. My face is ok but it's the ones she zapped on my body that are horribly itchy. I keep telling myself you're one day closer to recovery.

I hope it looks better by next Wed that's when I have my next psych appt. I can only begin to imagine what he's going to say when he sees me. Lol.

The Agent rang today to say the other couple who are interested in our place are getting close to getting an offer on there's. I hope & pray that happens & this nightmare at least will be behind us. Just have to hope & pray that the right house turns up for us when were ready.

That's awful that your psych caused you to feel shame. Makes my blood boil that she was using you to collect data. You don't pay her for that. It doesn't sound to me like she had your best interests at heart. I'm glad you're not going back. I'm also really glad you kept your counsellor. I can't believe the cheek of her charging you in advance. My psych is giving me huge reductions to ensure I keep going. I think your STP needs to take a long hard look at herself & evaluate why she is doing this type of work. Clearly she lacks empathy at least that's how I'm seeing it. I am glad she has helped with your PTSD triggering though at least that's something. I'm glad now moving on. You don't need to feel shamed especially not from someone who is suppose to be helping you heal.

I am glad you were ok with my offering my advice. I'm usually wary of doing that. I just know from my experience that when it came to doing the hard work around the SA & the rape I needed to do it with a man. I tried I can't tell you how many females but I think they felt too much compassion for what I went thru so they were gentle, gentle. Don't get me wrong, my psych is gentle too & compassionate but he wasn't frightened to go there. I remember he got me to write down everything that happened in each incident. He then got me to read it to him which was the most difficult thing I've ever done. Then he helped me reedit the events. Putting the blame & the guilt on the perps. Removing the shame from me. It was horrendous at the time but it worked. I had over 10 years of peace from flashbacks & anxiety that is until I got triggered in hospital 18 months ago. He worked at SARC for many years so he has a wealth of knowledge around SA & he trains the counsellors that work in that area. I am so lucky to have found him.

I'm eyerolling at your STP! What would she know. Hope your job is ok.

Love

Mara