Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Mara56]

Thank you Sleepy 21. I appreciate your support.

I will post an update later on the outcome of my procedure.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Thank you beautiful lady for care and support.

I will post an update on the outcome of my procedure later.

Love

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for your supportive and empathetic post. I appreciated it more than you can know.

Thanks also for the flipper crossing. It it's not too much to ask can you please keep them crossed for a few more days yet. I will post separately an update from yesterday's procedure.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em, Croix and Sleepy 21,

As I mentioned in my replies to your posts, I truly appreciate all of your care and support.

I had the procedure yesterday but as yet they still don't know what it is on my pancreas. They are having a meeting with several Drs to decide if I need more imaging at this time. The specialist told me going forward at the minimum I will need to have this procedure every 6-12 months because even if it is benign these types of lesions can become cancerous when they are located on the pancreas. At the moment they are trying to work out if it is a benign tumour which is not so bad just needs to be monitored or a NET (Neuroendocrine Tumour) which is NOT so good.

I've reached a place of "it is what it is" there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait now till the Drs decide which way they are going to go with it. This current emotional space is a little easier than pre-procedure. I'm very aware at the moment of only dealing with what is immediately in front of me. I have pulled all my resources in. I'm sorry if I'm not replying to anyone else's threads, please know that I am thinking of you all, I just feel like I don't have a lot to give at the minute.

I am very glad I had my session with my psych on Wed. He was awesome! My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't articulate. By the end of the session I was in a much better space. I even managed to get some sleep on Wed night. Walking into the hospital, it was like in my peripheral vision watching the flashbacks. I could see my sister and I talking while she had a cigarette, that was when my mother was dying. As I waited by the lifts I could see the cafe and the table where I sat and told a friend my son was not coming home. It was also that cafe that I discussed turning my son's life support off with his father. I just kept telling myself that was then, your safe, this is now. The staff were lovely, even the sandwich after the procedure was nice, which I have to admit I was surprised at.

All in all I survived. It is clear going forward, and given that at the minimum I'm going to be doing this every 6-12 months or worse, it is imperative that I focus on processing my trauma around Drs and hospitals etc. I discussed this with my psych and that is going to be our focus.

Well lovely people, once again thank you for all your kind, supportive messages.

I'll leave it there as I have my beautiful grandson with me today and we both need some cuddle time.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Thankyou so much for posting an update for us. I hope you get some positive news very soon and it's not the worst of the diagnoses.

Every 6-12 months is alot moving forward but I'm lightened to hear that your psych is going to work with you on these specific past traumas and present reactions. It sounded like your memory and visions swept gently over those areas of such significance of grief when being with your sister, losing your mum and the shocking time of losing your dear son. May his soul rest in peace.

I love you lots! And hope you enjoy each moment of every day as best you can.

Thankyou again for keeping us in the loop. I'm glad the procedure is over.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Thank you beautiful lady. I love you too. I had a quick read of your last thread and I'm so sorry to hear about your week last week. Your YD is fortunate to have such a wise Mumma.

As yet I haven't heard anything from my specialist and I have to admit it's starting to get to me. Very glad I have an appt with my psych tomorrow. I have learnt a bit more about pancreatic issues and from what I've read I suspect the high levels depression and anxiety I've been experiencing are partially because of this lesion. Apparently lesions on the pancreas can impact mental health. Not sure what that means for me going forward. I certainly do not want to be in this space indefinitely.

Procedures every 6-12 months is going to be challenging but I have confidence that my psych will be able to help me get in the best possible mindset to deal with it.

I don't feel any grief in the loss of my mother. My sister deceived me which hurt far more than the loss of my mother but that's a story for another day.

Thank you for your kind words in relation to my son. I truly appreciate your compassion.

I will leave it there. It is really hard for me to concentrate and even to articulate at the minute.

I hope this week is a kinder one for you and for YD.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

So it's another waiting game.... maybe they have no idea and don't want to admit it.
If it was obvious what the issue was then that would be easier for them to inform you. IDK.

The numerous procedures sound ominous tbh.... one at a time. And for now one day or one minute at a time.

Yes what I know for sure is of how little we know of the interplay between our body's functioning and our mental health. Dr Dispenza speaks of this ALOT. His talks are amazing but his sleep time meditations are so relaxing. I hope you can tap into this.

Thankyou for your well wishes for YD. She's doing "ok" atm.

I hope you can plan some really pleasant things to do!

Let us know how you get on please. I'm always Praying for you.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Thank you as always for your kind words.

Well what a week! Finally today I heard from the specialist. They had their meeting, they still don't know what it the lesion is on my pancreas. They have decided that as it's small they are happy to leave it 12 months till I have an MRI. Then I will have to have them every 12 months unless it starts to grow. If that happens will increase the number of MRIs. In the meantime I have to have regular blood tests to make sure there are no cancer markers. My last lot of blood test is showing that my platelets are dropping again. Specialist has given me another pathology referral to do in 8 weeks time or sooner if I start to experience the symptoms I have when my platelets drop dramatically. Despite the platelet issue, I have decided that the information in relation to my pancreas is good for now or as good as it can be. I have 12 months to get my head around having an MRI. Plenty of time to work on that. There is not much more I can do. It does feel a little bit like having a bomb inside. It might sit there dormant for the rest of my life and never go off but then it might. Nothing I can do about it. It is what it is and at the moment it's dormant so that's positive.

No changes re: the house.... We have made an offer on a house which we love but are not hopeful about securing it. I wish this stupid Covid 19 would just disappear. It is messing with so many people's lives. We're lucky at least we do have a roof over our heads and the house will eventually sell. Just stressful in the meantime.

DH and I had our session with the psych and it went well. My psych is so insightful. I got lot out of it and we have a plan going forward.

I'm still feeling like I don't have a lot to give to anyone at the moment, hence the reason I've been absent from the forum. I literally feel like I can only deal with things immediately in front of me. I'm taking care of myself. Trying as best I can to do nurturing things for myself. My birthday is in 12 days time. My GF who lives in the country is coming up to Perth. She asked my plans I didn't have any. Well now I have lunch with my Son and his family on the day and lunch with 8 friends the next day. I'm grateful that they have just taken over organising it. I'm usually the organiser. I just didn't have it in me this year.

Well lovely lady, I will do a quick post on your thread.

Much love

Mara x

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I've got your birthday booked in my Diary lol!

HOW LOVELY for your friends and family organising those get togethers for your birthday!
What a wonderful time to look forward to. yay.

oh goodness this lesion can go jump in the lake. I'm glad the MRIs are "only" once every 12 months.... I really hope the psych can work his magic for you on this stuff. Freaking horrible really.

I'm relieved it wasn't a worse prognosis tbh. But as good as the relief is, the monitoring is sighhh just another piece of shyte. I hear you. Hugs.

Wow, that's great about the psych appt for your relationship. It shows DH is in it for the long haul and not a "fairweather H" lol. What a guy. You have a few good men on your team there. I'm so happy for you. YOU ABSOLUTELY DESERVE THE SUPPORT and LOVE!

I love to hear you are focussing on your wellbeing. It makes my heart feel warm to hear this.

We are ALWAYS here for you but I know how triggering or least "thought provoking" being here can be.

I always want to hear you are looking after yourself.

Lots of love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I knew we had to be the same star sign Lol.

That's sweet that you have my birthday in your diary. I shouldn't forget yours it's the same day as my niece's.

I am blessed with my family and friends. I weeded out all the toxic ones years ago.

I feel ambivalent in relation to my birthday this year. I usually make a point of celebrating my birthday. When I did a parenting course in my late 20's they pointed out the importance of doing that. That it was good for the kids to see that you were important too. This year with everything that's been going on I feel disconnected from it. That said I'm sure I'll get it together on the day.

I'm not good being restrained for obvious reasons so MRIs at the moment are not ideal. That said I have 12 months & I'm sure I'll have a strategy by then. If not I'll take the sedative the Dr prescribed me. They are going to be a part of my life going forward so I have to find a way to deal with them.

As a result of the procedure I had to put some other medical things on hold till I knew what was happening. Including an appt with my skin specialist. She was going to burn off some pre-cancerous spots. I rang yesterday to reschedule & they had an appt for today. I thought best to get it over with no time to think about it. So I did that this morning. Mind I didn't realise how many she was going to burn off. I look like I've been attacked by bees. At least it is done. I also got an appt tomorrow for my bone density that one doesn't worry me. I've booked my mammogram for 2 weeks time. I could have done it on Fri but I thought 2 things in 1 week was enough. I'm shaky after the skin specialist but all in all I'm proud of myself for getting it over & done with.

DH is a good man. Any issues we have are minor compared to some. Just the normal adjusting of two people living together.

We made a big decision yesterday. We've taken the house off the market. We had a long talk with the Agent. We will keep the offer we have in play & take 6 weeks off of home opens. Then in early Oct we'll pop it back on again. Hopefully in the meantime the buyers house sells.

My psych gave me an exercise to do to try & help me sleep better & to stop the nightmares. It hasn't worked so far. So the last 2 nights I added in Dr Joe Dispenza's meditation, thank you for the suggestion EM. It didn't work the first night but last night that combined with my new pillow, I had the best night sleep I've had in months. Hopefully it continues.

Much love

Mara