Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Just to let you know that Ecomama is not my real name either lol! Yes you told me ages ago that Mara wasn't your real name and it's the for the same reasons that I don't use my real name too - all identities are covered layer up on layer lol.

But I think the Mara t-shirt idea would work, IDK any other Maras and you would know me lol.

Tbh Ecomama is so close to my identity that it's risky for those in my past life who shall not be named, to know who I am without a doubt. Everyone else is not nearly as risky as those.

Goodness BOTH your psych a GP tomorrow? I thought it was just psych tomorrow, sorry about that.
HUGE Day Joan! It's a freaking long time for you to wait for results ESP if they are just sitting in someone's "inbox". Grrr.

I PRAY THIS NEWS IS GOOD. I know you need answers but I still PRAY THIS NEWS IS GOOD.

Yeah the "Conference" hmmm. I saw the topic last night and felt quite numb tbh. Then a bit pithy.
It was a muddle and a half and lasted ALL DAY long. Very mixed up.

By lunchtime I heard one presenter say "I'm a bit afraid of working with this staff" lol... they didn't check our prerequisite knowledge. Very green of them. We have done SO many Course on MH and even them using the term "MH" in the wrong way, when they actually MEANT MH difficulties was a spike to me.

IDK we'll muddle through I guess lol. This group is working with our staff for 6+ months, just because.

I know they'll find we've made SO MANY adjustments to everything that there will be very little for them to do.

That's ok.

I digress, probably more for my nervousness about tomorrow for you. I know it's a huge day. I'm glad you followed your instincts and changed the weeks and it's the best timing now.

Lots of love
EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Got to tell you I was out for dinner recently and our waitress was named Mara, LOL. I kept smiling every time I saw her name badge. So there are definitely Maras out there. Lol. That said, if I saw someone wandering around with a tee shirt with Mara on it, I would know it was you. Lol.

I am so glad I saw my GP today. Thankfully there are no cancer markers in my blood, huge sigh of relief. I still have to have whatever it is monitored but at the moment it's not cancerous, YEAH!!! I can't tell you how relieved I am. For me it's not so much the thought of perhaps losing my life, death holds no fear for me, it's the thought of the treatment that triggers me big time. That combined with my serious mistrust of the medical profession. Anyway thank God all is OK. I will ring the specialist's rooms tomorrow to find out how she plans to proceed from here. In the meantime I have gone ahead and booked some other appts that I was holding off on because this stuff hanging over me. From what the GP said the imaging that is required can wait it's not urgent.

Psych was wonderful as always. He's like a big cosy blanket. I knew he was going to be happy with me today and he was. He was impressed that I didn't just wait for the specialist, that I was adult and sought out the answers I needed from the GP. He's NOT impressed with my specialist. He thought it was poor form on her part to not get back to me last Friday. He was pleased that I contacted the paper. He feels that I'm starting to come out of the fog. I am so lucky to have him. The relationship I have with him is the healthiest relationship I've had with a male.

Feel for you having to sit in those conferences. Yes very green of them to not check the groups prerequisite knowledge. Doing that means a waste of time for them and your team. Oh well hopefully over the next 6 months they will learn something as well.

Thank you lovely lady for all your good wishes. I have had so many people praying for good news for me and those prayers have been answered. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Much love

Mara x

[Mara56]

Funny story from this morning that I thought I would share.

I read something Ajahn Brahm a Buddhist monk wrote, he said if you are feeling unworthy or shame etc, to write it in brown pen on toilet paper and flush it away. I thought what a good idea. So this morning I went looking for my Grandson's pencil case I thought he had textas but no he only had crayons. Crayons wouldn't work on the toilet paper so I thought I'll try a pen that didn't work it tore through the paper. I have textas somewhere but because this stupid house hasn't sold, they're in a box somewhere and I couldn't find them. So there I am this morning screaming and swearing at the Universe. Thankfully the neighbours didn't call the police Lol. Anyway this arvo I went and bought some. So at some point in the next few days I'm going to be flushing a whole heap of negative stuff down the toilet. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lots of love

Mara

[ecomama]

Oh dear Mara what WONDERFUL NEWS! Gratitude for your healing, thankyou for your healing, thankyou for your healing.

sighhhh yes a relief. yay!

Well I hope your psych said he's PROUD of you lol. Just so it's not only coming from ME.

You are coming out of the hole. Your words and actions are showing this every day. I'm so happy.

Yes my POINT in wearing a Mara t-shirt was because I'd know you'd know me then lol.
I've never met a Mara but I bet one will come across my path at some point, that'll be funny.

Ahhh IDK what else to say but that I'm relieved lol. I feel like having a nap now lol.

I found a Dr Joe Dispenza waking up Meditation on YouTube AND a sleep one too! Both free if you want to have a squiz.

I bet your psych was impressed about your cuppa with the nameless ones lol. I freaking was. Well done you.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Well the emotional roller coaster that is my life ATM continues. I woke up this morning feeling more relaxed than I have in weeks. Then DH got home from work at 9.15am. He had an envelope in his hand. It was from the hospital. I opened and in the largest red font were the words IMPORTANT PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE. I was immediately triggered and started having a panic attack. DH took my hand and said breathe, just breathe. They’ve booked me to have the procedure on the 30/7 at the hospital my son died in ........... I’m stressed out of my brain. I knew this was going to happen but thought it wasn’t urgent so they wouldn’t rush it, turns out I was wrong...........

I’m not going to say much more, my brain is too frazzled. It might be a day or too before I’m back online. I know you understand. I will be back, I just need to settle my anxiety.

I hope you’re travelling well.

Sending much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

It's okay! You need the procedure to work out wtf is going on.

Think of YOUR HEALING ONLY.

We're going to do a whitewash of GRATITUDE over this:
I am grateful for my HEALING.
"That" was then, THIS is now.
I'm going through with this with the best team available.
I am HEALED by this. (in the present tense)

PLEASE PLAN THREE DATES beginning 10 days after hospital. This will hep you focus on AFTER the hospital date. My suggestions are...
1. Lunch with your nice new friend at a Cafe with beautiful surroundings.
2. Your psych appts in advance.
3. A catch up with friends / your grandkiddies.

You can do this.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Yes, I know I need to do this procedure, I also know it has to be done in this hospital & that going forward I am going to have to have this issue monitored. From a physical perspective I know what I need to do & I will do it. But from a MH perspective..... That is a whole different thing. I caught up with a friend yesterday she knew I wasn't right. She knows about my past but didn't know about the PTSD, she also didn't know what happened to me in hospital 18 months ago. I gave her the 2 page complaint letter I sent to the hospital to read. She is a medical professional. I watched her as she read my letter & I could see the colour visibly drain out of her face. I could also see the horror as she worked through the letter. At the end of it she looked at me & said "no wonder you have PTSD" I can't discuss on this forum what happened as I'm mindful of the forum guidelines. But trust me when I say that what happened was horrendous. I should have sued the hospital. As yet I haven't had an opportunity to deal with what happened in the hospital other than to read the complaint letter to my psych who was as horrified as my friend.

In relation to healing, hopefully this procedure will help in terms of whatever physically needs to be done but in relation to my MH until I get a chance to process the trauma of my last hospitalisation.... any medical procedure causes me extreme anxiety. I am ensuring I meditate & keep up my walking, which keeps me sane.

Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate your care & concern. When it comes to strategies to protect myself I'm pretty good at that. I organised several things yesterday to make sure I was busy up till the procedure so I don't have too much time to think about it. I also organised yesterday to have GCs this Sat & the Fri after the procedure. I have catch up dates organised with friends for the week after. Re: my psych I book well in advance my appts with him. As luck would have it I see him on Wed arvo, I have the procedure Thurs & I am back at the psych's the following Tues.

I know I have a good team, I hate the hospital. I'll work on that with my psych on Wed. I need to do some EMDR over what happened at my last admission. We may not get time to do that next week but I will ensure that we do that soon.

Well lovely lady, I will leave it there. I'm taking some time off the forum till after the procedure. I need to just focus on getting my MH to as good a place as I can before next week.

Love

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

You have taken a brave, most sensible and thorough approach to matters, which leaves me nothing to say - no suggestions - except be pleased with yourself. Bravery does something when you disbelievingly realise it is built into you. What we are inside is more important than anything.

Croix (yes, OK, flippers crossed -but unnecessary)

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I hope you can get through this time with the least possible discomfort.

Please know our Prayers are with you all the time.

Lots of love EM

[Guest_1643]

thinking of you

take care of yourself

you're doing a great job and you deserve some down time. remember that!!