Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[ecomama]

Hey Mara

I think we're having a BIRTHDAY PARTY before any engagement party lol.
We can't be together so how funny would it be having all our IRL friends STILL attend our engagement party.. although I know most of my friends would totally freak lol. The closest ones are fine with it all.

omg I didn't talk about the bra thing... um I had mozzie bites till I was almost 30yo lol!
I LOVED it since I was a dancer for a long time. Then kaboom watermelons after birthing. You darling lady, I go without a bra whenever I feel like it. If I'm feeling like I "should" put one on but still don't want to, I put one of those wintery vests over the top & a big fluffy cowl scarf.
Put my hair UP to drag the eyes UP lol.

I'm sorry the sores are causing you so much discomfort. I really hope they heal VERY SOON.

Yes I really underestimated the power of external validation.
I never had it from my mother or father in ANY WAY whatsoever. Nothing. Ever.

I remember years ago when I was crying to my mother over my first marriage ending (my choice)... I hugged her and said "I love you" for the first time... she pushed me away and muttered something that shut that down forever.
You gotta wonder really.

I was born in a literal War Zone because that's EXACTLY what you do when you're pregnant isn't it Mara? travel to a war zone & give birth in the middle of it all. It's not like your BABY is important right? I could go on... so the saying "I've dodged alot of bullets" is literal in my case. Figurative too with the rest. I've decided I'm a cat lol but with 109 lives not merely 9!

Not sure if I said but I can feel something bubbling and there are at least 5 reasons the psychopath is fuming .... again. Then today I noticed my children being more hypervigilant... a multiple birthday soon... it could be their psychological habit... you know how psychopaths etc ruin birthdays? But that would make 8 reasons then.

The demon is up to something. I haven't spoken to the kids at all about it. I wouldn't. Unless their safety plans needed to be activated. Something's going on.

We live in a freaking fortress lol but today I was wondering what more I can do.

YD is improving alot. The helplines have been INVALUABLE to me to help her since all the child SA psych are full up here - disgusting society. I'm up to No 15 and I am repulsed.

I'm phoning Victim's Services this week. She needs a specialised psych...

In saying that she's doing VERY well. I'm immensely proud of her regardless.

Love EM

[TheBigBlue]

Thanks for the kind words.

I survived the day, but feeling rather fragile right now. Dealing with complex trauma is...... challenging....

But tomorrow is another day & I have to work, so hopefully that will keep my mind occupied

[Mara56]

Hi Big Blue,

You are most welcome.

Perfectly understandable that you would be feeling fragile after having both appointments on the same day. I hope that you are feeling better today. Be gentle with yourself, as you say dealing with complex trauma is challenging.

For myself when I'm having challenging days I try not to think beyond that day. Sometimes I literally can only deal with what is immediately in from on me. Ecomama has a saying "oxygen masks on me first" and that is literally what I do. I do whatever I need to do to get through that day. Meditate, take a bath, go for a walk, talk to a friend...….

You will get there, I have faith in you.

Take care

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Birthday party but then a big engagement party Lol. Think of it as a proxy engagement party. Remember they use to have proxy weddings where someone stood in for the other party?

I started developing at 11 yrs. I went straight from training bra to DD cup in a matter of weeks. When you combine that with a tiny waist... well you can imagine the attention I got from creeps. Consequently I never feel comfortable without a bra & eureka I got into 1 today. YEAH!!! Only wore it for 2 hours but it was ok.

The sores are improving. Some of the scabs have come off. The main areas of soreness now are my lower back mid thoracic & cleavage. Another couple of days & they should be healed.

Very proud of myself. I asked my psych if we could do EMDR on Dad. I have avoided it for years but it's time. The session went well. I have several to go on my Dad but as least I've started. Just felt so grateful that I could do this work with my psych. I honestly don't think I could do it with anyone else.

I made a decision at 14 to kiss my parents good night. It was awkward but I did it. They never showed any affection towards us kids only abuse. In my 30's I stopped contact with them for a couple of years because of something my mother did. When we reconnected my mother started grabbing me when I was leaving & telling me she loved me. It felt forced but over time it got easier. That said I never once felt accepted loved. All I ever got was judgement from my mother. My father was an abusive alcoholic. My psych today was taken aback today when I said how much alcohol he consumed in a day.

I guess our parents were like that because they didn't receive it from their parents. I know my mother definitely didn't. My Dad being English I doubt he received it either.

I am sure that babies pick up on the violence & abuse before their born. When I was born my Dad was a violent alcoholic my Mum was seriously psychologically disturbed. My father was SA my sister which my Mum found out just after I was born. My brother who had congenital heart & lung issues died 1 month after my birth. My mother never grieved him. Just a toxic mix of violence & neglect. Not the sort of environment to bring a baby into.

Psychopaths do like to ruin important events. I know that you will take every measure to protect yourself and your kids. Hopefully it won't happen but I know you'll be prepared if it does.

Pleased to her YD is improving. A specialised psych is definitely the way to go.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara, I'm typing with a burger in my hand lol... yum.

PROXY Weddings? lol... how interesting.
K (fiancee)... wanted it all to be in person..not over the phone lol.

Oh well our planned surprise proposal in January in San Diego at Filippi's Italian restaurant isn't happening the way we planned lol. Nor his real surprise birthday from me... I had invited his family from New York & Washington to that too....
They've all survived covid so far. I hope we meet again.

I digress.

Yah... I know our parents weren't really of the era of "I love you" as a common thing said.

I think OUR generation is making up for it a million fold. All my friends, male & female, say it to me at the end of every call & text. My clients at work constantly say it to me & I say it back!

Do you think our relationship with our extremely mentally unwell parents was our first experience of 'unrequited love' Mara?

I often wonder of the effects of my pregnancy experiences with YD. I often wondered why she was so different to the other children. I know NOW why. But I spoke to the baby in utero & promised I would protect him or her for it's entire life. I failed there but not of my own doing. Of a perps evil doings.

THIS is something we have to relinquish. The responsibility of ALL evil doings by perps.

I use THIS handing over as part of my 'forgiveness'... I give it BACK.

Knowing the hell ex lives in with it's disordered & tortured mind gives me the reassurance that it already lives in hell. It has to abuse all substances & use addictive behaviours just to breathe in this world.

Oh and I didn't realise the Road Less Traveled had religious words in it lol! OH DEAR ... sorry bout that. The People of the Lie is unapologetically Christian. But I LOVE the premise to it all.... Dr Peck had written it in attempts to HEAL victims of evil... and also to encourage the MH Sciences to research "evil people", since they are afraid to label people as evil.

I LOVE it. It has cleared the fog I had left over my views of the world. In fact I've had a paradigm shift & am relieved by it & released from the shackles also.

Sorry but Brene's book also has God words in it.... Braving the Wilderness is thick with her research explained through story telling but OMG MARA IT'S BRILLIANT. I'm half way through it & parts of it I think "dl23 needs to know this" (he's on another thread here).. then "Mara needs to hear this" in a different part, then "YD needs to know this".. etc.

I LOVE YOU
lol EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Mmm I want a burger now LOL. Have decided to make Thai Chicken burgers tonight after reading your post. Lol.

Hopefully you & K will get to have that wedding sooner rather than later. Stupid Covid it's messing with everyone's lives. Hopefully they get a vaccine soon & you can see K in person.

Whilst the proposal you had planned would have been beautiful the important thing is that happened despite the chaos the world is in. DH proposed to me while we were snuggled up on the couch watching TV. It wasn't the most romantic proposal compared to those on moonlight beaches but it meant the world to me. Just as I'm sure K's proposal meant the world to you.

I hope K's family continue to survive & that you all can get together in the not too distance future when we have Covid under control.

I also end all my calls to family & friends with "I love you" Always believed that you need to let those close to you know that you love them. This belief was reinforced when I lost R.

Not sure about 'unrequited love' I think our experience with our parents set us up to believe that we weren't worthy of love. Perhaps it's the same thing.

I am sure children pick up things in utero there is research on it. However I try not to go there. I was beating myself up terribly over the effect to my children due to the abuse I'd experienced. My psych helped me put the guilt where it belonged with the perps. I gave my children love & as positive a childhood as I could. I also gave them the knowledge & the skills to reach out for help if they need it. It really is as much as we can do. I can see that you have done the same with your children. YD has benefited from your awareness, support & proactive advocacy on her behalf. This will help her enormously in terms of her healing.

I ended up donating "The Road Less Travelled" I'm not an atheist. I have been religious off & on in my life. I just have had too much experience with the hypocrisy of some religions & some so called Christians who are anything but. So I tend to shy away from books that are too religious.

As far as I am concerned there are truly evil people in this world so I agree Dr Peck on that one.

Lol I love how you are always thinking of others & what we could benefit from knowing. Just says what a beautiful person you are.

I will read Brene's book as some point. At the moment though it's enough dealing with what I'm dealing with.

Well I'll leave it there.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara thankyou.

I wanted to acknowledge the painful things you spoke of regarding the passing of your brother and the SA of your sister. I "splintered" at reading that. That's a new term I found out today... from psych friend... maybe not appropriately used but it's what happened.

I'm so sorry for the pain and harm and trauma your parents caused directly and inadvertently by their negligence, ignorance and who knows what else.

All of this was nothing any of you deserved and I'm certainly glad you know that.

Have your sores been healing?

How are you feeling?

I hope you feel the EMDR around father is cleansing?

Without attempting to negate anything you're going through.... did you know there's a party here this Saturday?

Your Invitation is in our other lounge room... you need to go get it yourself lol.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Thank you for acknowledging my painful sharing of the situation I was born into. I've not heard of the term "splintered" in psychological terms. Can you explain it to me Em? I'm guessing it's painful. I was worried it might be triggering.

The last 48 hours since my last session, some of the enormity of what I experienced growing up is seeping in. How I didn't end up with more serious mental health issues than I already have is beyond me. I didn't know my father sober till I was 19. I can only look at the trauma he caused in tiny bits. I have blocked out so much in relation to him. I remember vividly every other trauma I experienced but I only have flashes in relation to him. I've had to spend time talking to my siblings which is not fun, I usually avoid them because they are toxic, but I need info and they have provided me with some.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy in relation to the trauma my parent's caused. Having been through so much trauma yourself, I know you understand better than most, the damage their parenting caused me.

My heart breaks for that child. I know I'm talking about myself in the third person but I can't absorb all the pain at the moment. I have this image that is haunting me. My father & brother were part-time bar tenders for a catering company. Great job for an alcoholic, hey? One of their jobs required them to work an hrs drive from our home. I won't go into all of it but suffice to say my father was drunk well before his shift started. On the nights that they weren't home my 2am, my mother would get me out of bed because she didn't want to be worried by herself. The image I have is of that poor child sitting on the bed, exhausted, listening to the radio in case they had had an accident and waiting. Then the next day having to get up and go to school. That is mild compared to most I experienced but for some reason it is haunting me.

My sores are healing well. Scabs are dropping off, yeah. I even wore make-up today.

I have a migraine today but I'm expecting it to be a rough ride for a few weeks while I deal with Dad. Thank God for EMDR. I feel so relaxed afterwards. Not sure if next session I'll do another EMDR or talk. There seems to be some talking needed after an EMDR session.

You are awesome organising the party for me lovely lady. I will definitely be there with bells on. I can't do emojis on this keyboard so image a very happy face here. LOL!

Love

Mara xx

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I nodded ALL the way through you not realising the extent of the harm... I hear you.

Little Mara needs lot of hugs, warmth, safety and predictability from us all... SO HERE WE GO.... BB GROUP HUG!

This work of acknowledging little Mara is so important for healing from PSTD and whatever psychological strategies we resorted to during "those times"... whatever they were... to INTEGRATE ourselves.

We had no choice but to "put it away" somewhere whilst we grew up and did all the things we had to do as adults.

Then more
and more
and more
and more happened.... x too much.

Healing that little girl is imperative.

Indeed you ARE a "trajectory explosive" lol!
Me too.... we've done SO well Mara.

"Splintering" mmm.... in very layman terms but only after a short snippet from psych friend so I'll get back to you with a better explanation... I related it to my children first, it's easier that way.
Like, there are all these facets of our life like a circle in sectors... then if trauma happened (gosh wish I could DRAW it for you lol)... then back in THAT sector of our development we may have been stunted... delayed... harmed. We "splintered"...

You mentioning the harm you were born into.... the passing of your brother.... the SA of your sister.... took me back to a "splintered" part of my life.
I felt it. I visually saw "that" part of my life WAY back then and a halt. It muted me. No doubt a strategy I learnt as a child. NEVER SPEAK.

I know now that I do this alot when a subject is far too painful for me to acknowledge in others.
I'm so sorry. I don't intend to be dismissive at all of yours or anyone else's pain. I physically, mentally and psychologically feel other's pain and shut down often.

I'm not giving this definition justice sorry. Apparently it's a very new term. I promise to find out more and return on the subject.

If those late nights waiting with you mother on the bed is part of and a way IN to the harm... maybe it's the entry way to explore this and other things?
Still, these hauntings are just as valid. I can see it as a painting in my mind. It IS haunting.

That little girl needs you now. Please give her all my love. I'm so glad she survived to come here and be my friend.

Love you Mara
EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

The harm was enormous. Obviously too enormous because I have blocked out so much in relation to my Dad. That you for the hugs, they are very much appreciated. Mentally I can hug the little child, she'll let me, she trusts me. The child from 9 onwards is just so desolate, I can't reach her. By that age she had shut down completely from all the abuse. I don't know how I'm as sane as I am, or how I achieved so much, it's a miracle. It could easily have ended so differently. Certainly all my siblings have continued the cycle. I was the only one that broke the cycle. The next couple of weeks are going to be rough. I'm already struggling and I've only done one session on Dad. That said, it needs to be done and I know if I tell my psych we need to go gently he will. It's all part of the healing process, I'm determined to continue.

You are so right about no choice but to "put it away" In my home you couldn't afford to let them know that you were feeling anything or else the punishment would be severe. The end result now is that I often don't know what I'm feeling and even if I do know I can't express it.

Hopefully this work will be my last step in healing little Mara. I hope so.

We have done so well to get to here and to change things for babes. It's taken a lot of courage but we did it Em. Yeah to us!

Thank you for explaining "splintering" I think I get it now. I'm sorry if my story affected you. I just sometimes find it hard to accurately explain why I am the way I am without actually saying what happened. If you know what I mean.

No need to apologise I am the same when faced with something that affects me, I often can't speak. But like you once I have realised and processed what's happened, I can then come back to the person and respond accordingly. You are like me empathetic, I believe I'm too empathetic at times.

Those nights of being woken up to wait for my Dad are minor compared to the other stuff but it's haunting at the minute and as you say it may just be a gateway to access the rest of the trauma.

I can't paint and I have never thought of that image in that way but since you mentioned it........ I have a friend who paints maybe I'll get her to paint it for me.

I try to love her Em but she's so shut down. But hopefully with a few more sessions I'll be able reach her. That's my goal.

Love you too Em

Mara xx