Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Jlee81]

Im lost for words

thank you mara so much for your wise words.
im glad im not the only one that does the things i do

you are a wonderful woman

thank you

xx

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

I'm ALWAYS okay with your advice, more than okay! I'm humbled when you offer anything and really really appreciate it lol. Psych friend, ACs and I all now know that when someone presents something 'outside the box' of my thinking, then it takes a day or 2 or more for me to "get it".. the aha moment can come when I'm vacuuming or doing something else by rote. Then I have to go back for clarification lol... my poor tangled frontal lobe lol.

So please know that if I don't respond initially in an encompassing way it's because I've just heard it for the first time. Then need time to process. Then may have to come back for clarification!

I'll write more about the 'shaming' on my thread.
There's more than that. (Takes me a while..)
STP goneskis.
I think they broke the mold after they made your psych lol!

Thankyou for all your support with this venture. I'm doing much better... your validation helped alot.

Oh wow the house... Praying it will be as smooth as possible for all of you! Plus all toes and fingers crossed lol.

The itching sounds awful! Would you believe I broke out in about 5 places on my body itching this morning... insert twilight zone music... lol so weird.
Can you put anything on the itching places? My mother always loved calamine lotion but I never found it much chop myself. Plus they're not bug bites. IDK.

You're such a knockout, psych wouldn't care lol.

Are the itches settling down now? Were the spots burnt off or frozen off?

I'm so glad you've got some birthday celebrations to look forward to. How nice of your friend to travel up to be with you. I love that.

Love you lots
EM

[Mara56]

Hi Jlee 81,

I don’t know about being wonderful, I’m just happy that what I said helped.

Re: Brene Brown, it was Ecomama who put me onto her. This forum is a great source of support and information.

I wish you well.

Take care and stay safe

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara

I too hope your wounds heal quickly and I'm glad the ones on your face are no longer pronounced enough to cause embarrassment. would burn cream help?

I agree with you about Brené Brown, her insight is excellent and can be very comforting, it can also be quite direct at times. It is a pity some of her work is pay-for. Though always good value.

The idea of males attending to the needs of those who have been abused by men seems at first sight to be inappropriate, even triggering. However I do not see it quite that way. Some have understanding and experience and do not have quite the same approach as women, though always kind. I think, as you observed that too much syrup can be an impediment.

It is interesting. I did a course that dealt with women who had been abused, and did so in a room full of other students - all female. It helped me a lot in my work

Students is probably the wrong world as we all already practiced in the social work and mental health arenas

I felt comfortable, an equal and freindship.

Later on I did another course dealing with the men who where the abusers and trying to get them to change. Here again was a room full of professionals, all female, and I very much felt 'the enemy'. Uncomfortable for me at the time though I still benefited a lot from the material presented.

On reflection I wondered, many of the other attendees had an axe to grind, and I'm not sure that is a good way to start interacting with clients, not matter what they have done.

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule as to the gender of the peer support or social worker, or councilor, it is their makeup that counts.

(I'll get down off my soap-box now:)

Croix

[Mara56]

Dear Croix,

The burns on my face are noticeable but not painful thank God. The ones on my torso are excruciating. A cross between itch and pain. I am using an antiseptic cream which is helping a bit but it doesn't stop it completely. I have a feeling I won't be getting a lot of sleep over the next couple of days.

I am so glad Em put me onto Brene Brown. So much of what she said I could relate to. I've only watched one of her talks. I will read her books eventually. My brain is not settled enough yet to tackle reading. I was a real bookworm as a child. I swear that's how I got through my childhood. But after the rape I found it harder to concentrate. Then my first husband hated me reading, so I stopped. I will get back to it in time, I'm sure of that.

I have had 3 male psychs along the way and have always found them to be excellent. The first therapists I had were female and their gentleness allowed me to be able to speak but that was it. I had a volcano of rage that needed to be expressed. I believe the fact that they were so gentle somehow prevented me from doing what I needed to do, if that makes sense.

I can truly appreciate what you are say about your passed experience in courses. I have experienced that myself. I have friends who haven't experienced the types of trauma I have, they consider themselves feminist and they hate men. They put them all in the same basket. I'm a feminist too but I don't think it should be a competition. I believe that males and females all have something to bring to the table and that we should complement each other. The Ying and Yang so to speak. My psych is in awe, his words not mine, that I don't hate men. My belief is that there is good and bad in both sexes. As a mother I believed it was my job to teach my boys to be respectful of women. My eldest boy has told me though that he often feels in his professional life that he constantly has to prove that he's not the enemy to the female professionals.

I agree with you it is not a good way to interact with clients. A professional should be able to separate their stuff out from the clients. I know I certainly did when I was working.

I totally agree with you about the make up of the therapist being the important thing. You must be able to trust them and feel safe with them. That's my belief. Certainly if I don't feel those things I shut down.

I like it when you get on your soapbox Croix. Lol. There is a lot of walrus wisdom.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Somehow I missed your post from Fri. My only excuse being that my brain was on sensory overload from the pain I was experiencing.

I am glad I didn't offend you in relation to my advice. I'm always very careful about offering advice. I use to be a caretaker. I'd race in & try to fix things for people. I've had to learn to stand back, that I wasn't helping people by fixing their problems for them. So now I tend to lean towards empathy & support & am very wary about offering advice. Plus I also don't want to offend anyone. So am very relieved you were ok with me expressing my experience.

Lol it probably won't surprise you that it takes me a day or 2 to "get it" as well. Sometimes though it can take me even longer. I'm inclined to think that that is something that is consequence of PTSD.

I am so glad you ditched your STP. You deserved better treatment than what she gave you. Good for you for staying with her for as long as you did. You got all that she could give you & you had the wisdom to step away from her judgement and shaming.

My psych is amazing & yes they broke the mold when they made him. I was nearly going to cancel this weeks appt because of all the spots. DH encouraged me to keep the appt. He said if anyone would understand & not have a problem with the way look, it would be my psych. Of course he is right.

You always have my support lovely lady & I as always truly value your support as well.

OMG! The itching has been horrendous. That said Sat I did some research & found out that a well known nappy cream which starts with S can treat minor burns & the spots were grilled (burnt) off. I asked DH to go & buy some for me. I then literally slathered myself in it. It has helped heaps. The spots on my face look better. The pain on my body has eased. I still have areas that are uncomfortable but compared to Fri & Sat it is so much better. I actually slept the last 2 nights. Had I realised how much pain this was going to cause I would never have agreed to it. I'm just hoping the scabs are off my face by the weekend so I can wear makeup. Will keep my fingers crossed. Oh & I'm not surprised you woke itching Lol.

Don't know about being a knockout LOL but my psych definitely wouldn't care. Mind I would feel better if I could wear a bra comfortably by then. I haven't gone out without 1 since I was 10. Yesterday we went to friends & They didn't notice but I felt awkward.

I am blessed with my friends.

I hope your Mon has been a good 1.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Hello dearest Mara

OMG I am watching "Love on the Spectrum" and it is SO BEAUTIFUL!! Eldest D asked me to watch it because of how I am lol & also because one of her school friends is on there. omg you can see our house on this show, well the area we live in lol!! It has about 20+ places so it doesn't disclose where we live.

Sorry for the switch lol...

Your sore body... yah maybe not THAT many spots off next time, IF there's a next time you fair thing you. My heritage is from the Polynesian Islands but it's been "washed out" lots lol I only WISH I had such beautiful skin. The very long hair is something we've embraced! Plus those hip shakes lol.

So hooray for nappy rash cream! Who'd have thought hey?

Mara you are so sweet and it's SO OBVIOUS you care that I'd have to stretch myself a long way to be offended by you lol! Remember that part of Brene Brown's teachings... only care what SOME people think, not ALL people lol! I care about what you think but I'm pretty headstrong once I make up my mind. Not like you lol...

My Monday was 🤔 had lots to deal with. YD was upset this morning. No school again.
One sons gf brought alot up over dinner & seemed to sort her out very nicely. I realised tonight that I was probably pushing them to be independent but they seem to need alot more mama stuff, probably because of the trauma. Well I'm sure of it.

I think I have to put ALOT more in, kind of as though they are much younger... until.

Thankyou for supporting my decision to end STP lol. I was surprised that the 7th session gave me a M/care rebate of $197.50...alot more than before. The sessions were $250 & I didn't tell you bec I forgot... (you'd be pulling your hair out by now if you were my IRL HERE friend!) their sessions are only 50mins. Mmmm but last session I got a WHOLE 40 mins. Or she got me for 40 mins. 😉

Yah.
Nup.

I've been listening to M.Scott Peck's "People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing" on YouTube... it could be quite triggering Mara... but I wanted to let you know that the weirdest thing happened.
One concept he shared completely lifted the depression I was feeling since YD said that awful stuff... my bf can't believe it lol because he still thinks in the sweetest ways - he had SUCH a privileged childhood, so safe, so everything, great involved dad, awesomely devoted mum.. a helicopter lol... he's SO comforting. He wants to send me an engagement ring (again).. it'll be so long until we can see each other again.

I think I'll say yes.

Love EM

[TheBigBlue]

Eek, big day tomorrow.

Session with the psychiatrist in the morning, then one with the psychologist in the afternoon. I just know the anxiety build up, then the emotional distress of both is really going to emotionally overwhelm me.

i wouldn’t normally have both appointments on the same day, but tomorrow is the only day I had free to speak with them

[Mara56]

Dear The Big Blue,

Definitely a big day for you tomorrow. Can you do some meditation to help with the anxiety? I usually write notes for myself because the anxiety makes it hard for me to think. Be gentle with yourself tonight. I hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I'll have to look at "Love on the Spectrum" I haven't looked at that 1 yet. So your house is on the show. I probably wouldn't be able to pick it anyway. I was on Dr Harry years ago that was hoot. I've been on a couple of TV shows over the years. I won't mention them because they'll identify me. A couple of them were me standing up for injustices 1 was for education & of course Dr Harry.

OMG! I thought my body was improving but I woke up this morning very sore. The cream has helped but I won't be able to put it on tomorrow till late arvo. I have no idea how I'm going to wear a bra but I'm not going to my psych appt without 1. I'm just hoping I'm not in too much pain. Tomorrow I was suppose to be doing EMDR on my Dad. I really need to deal with him. It's been hanging over me. I can't think or talk about him without having flashbacks. He's been dead 11 years I really need to deal with him.

Your skin must be beautiful. I would love to have olive skin. I have a vision of you doing a hula dance LOL. I have very fair skin thanks to my Irish heritage. I had 2nd degree burns all over my back chest neck arms & legs as a child. The Dr thinks some of the skin damage is a result of that.

My heart goes out to YD. Having experienced what she has as a child I know how much pain that causes. Your psych friends are right though knowing that you believe her & support her will definitely help her heal. She couldn't have a better person in her corner than you.

You never stop being a parent. My ES is 40 and still needs my emotional support at times. Thankfully you have the awareness to hold space for them.

Are you registered for the safety net with M/care? If you are perhaps you've reached it & that's why you got more back from Medicare on your last session. I reached the safety net in Feb this year.

A friend gave M.Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled" years ago. I found it a bit too religious for me but I'm glad his teachings have helped lift your depression. Your BF & my DH sound like they had similar childhoods. At times DH is almost like an innocent in this world. I have heightened awareness & pick up on subtle body language. He totally misses it. I honestly think that's because he hasn't had to live in a virtual war zone.

OMG! Are we going to be having an engagement party in the BB cafe? Yeah! LOL. I am so happy for you. I know you haven't said yes yet but the fact that your thinking about it. So proud and happy for you.

Love

Mara