Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[mmMekitty]

Hi Centaured

I'm sorry to see you have been feeling so defeated. I would like to direct your attention to the many people who support & are out & fighting for recognition & rights for Trans people as well as for all in the wider LGBTQIA+ community. While some anti-prettty-much-everything misbehave & act disrespectfully to other members of the community & therefore provide fodder for the news, we have lots of other voices we can choose to listen to.

I'm not sure the drinking will help you as much as you imagine. The peace you see at the bottom of a bottle is an illusion. Sure drinking can make some blank spots in our days, but the things we are battling remain to be worked through, just as we left them. At least that's what I experienced.

I hope you are feeling better today & are being caring & kind to yourself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Centaured]

Thanks for the support everyone.  

The earlier 'poem' was actually song lyrics. I should have been more specific. I'm not the best writer, but music is a big part of my life. The song was called never there by Currents, they release they're next album soon yay. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured 

My apologies, I was thinking you were creating poetry. I actually find my favourite words are usually in songs rather than poems without music. It’s like song lyrics work differently somehow.

 I had a listen to Never There. It’s potent stuff. A few months ago I was listening to symphonic metal. I was in a dark place and it expressed my inner world. It’s like the music meets you where you’re at and is therapeutic.

 I’m glad you’ve got the new album to look forward to. I hope you’re feeling a bit better. Take care and wishing you a good week ahead.

[Centaured]

I'm doing a little better today. 

I've been really tired due to some medical stuff going on in the background.  I couldn't get into my gp til mid next week tho. When I'm tired things get even more out of whack mentally. Being so physically drained I feel like i have no capacity to manage what is going on mentally. 

But I have some things to look forward to. Trying to hold onto that. I'm due to see my dad and an old mate from Tasmania in a week. They're coming over for my thirtieth.  It should be a good time. I'm hoping the weather is good I have so much of Perth I want to show them. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured 

I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. Yes, experiencing physical exhaustion can definitely make it harder managing mentally. Letting yourself rest and recover is so important.

 I’m happy you have the visit from your dad and friend to look forward to. I have lived in Perth before and it’s a beautiful city with the river and beaches. I remember being at the river early one morning in autumn and it was so still and the water’s surface was glassy. It was truly calm and peaceful. So I hope you have that beautiful calm weather that seems to often happen in autumn.

Take it easy and wishing you the best.

[Centaured]

I was supposed to see my psychologist today. But I've ran out of funding. 

I really wish I had someone to talk to about stuff. It hurts today, everything hurts. 

And my physical stuff sucks. Not only emotion pain going on but physical, I'm sick of my disability and medical conditions that cause me pain 24/7. Just like being tired being in pain is not helping my moods. 

I'm over it all. I just wanted to talk to her and find a way through til next week. I'm scared. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured 

Physical pain is tough and challenging to deal with on top of emotional pain.

When I had particularly severe chronic pain some years ago I would imagine a white light coming down and clearing out and easing the pain. I’d do this gently breathing in with the light filling up the body and then imagine grey smoke coming out as I breathed out (pain leaving the body). It didn’t totally remove the pain but it calmed the nervous system which reduced its intensity.

Another approach is feeling into part of the body where there isn’t pain or the pain is less, and then seeing if you can allow that feeling to expand, so that more of the body can ease the pain. It’s like reducing the level of pain signalling and entraining the body to different feelings, if that makes sense?

I imagine you have some medication for the pain but I know that doesn’t always fully cover it, so just wondered if those other things may help. Sometimes it gives you back some sense of control over what you are feeling.

Remember you can call the BB helpline or Lifeline if you feel the need to talk to someone. Sometimes it can help to settle, just chatting with another person. You can let them know you’re feeling scared. You could also talk about looking forward to your dad and friend visiting too. The most helpful helpline chat I had was with a kind man who was interested in my home town and what it’s like living here. Sharing those things was really helpful for me and calmed me down.

Sometimes distraction can help too, such as watching something you like on tv or listening to favourite music. Rest well and remember you have things to look forward to. Sending you calming and healing wishes.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Centaured

I don't know how to advise about funding to see your psychologist... I would suggest trying to talk to your psychologist & explain the situation in regards to funding & that you want to still have session but don't know how you'll pay. See what they suggest.

I'm heartened to hear you are looking forward to seeing your dad & your old mate & showing them around Perth.

Having physical pain & mental pain is a struggle. It's really hard to keep the physical pain from contributing to your emotional pain. Recently, I heard that emotional pain in people with physical pain also causes the physical pain to be felt more accutely. It's like a double bind for people with both physical & emotional/mental pain.

I try, constandly, to distract myself with things that make me smile or laugh, or capture my attention, or imagination, sort of anything, especially as the day does on, because for me that's when my physical pain increases, & that gets me moody, impatient, & wears me down, & if I let it, it will get to my emotions & drag them down to very unhappy places where I hate myself & all the world for being able to do anything about it. It makes me feel so alone.

So, I do my best to monitor for when my pain & odd discomforts in my legs get to feeling they are getting too much, & reluctantly, I have to finish up what I'm doing & go lie down. if late in the evening, go to bed for sleep. I have to pay attention to that, & hope, someday, when I'm talking to yet another GP, they will have an answer.

& remember, I, for one, am a supporter of you, an trans ally, if you like. I know I am only one of many.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Centaured]

I tired writing a poem earlier. It's a bit to intens to post, so here's this instead 

'Can you give me a reason to say we'll be fine
And tell me we're leaving the past behind
Can you give me a reason to say we're okay
And make me believe we're better off this way
We're better off this way
And make me believe we're better off this way'

Reasons - the Devil Wears Prada 

I'm not coping today. Mum called earlier. Told me that my step dad might not make it to the end of the month. Then goes on to blame my autism on being vaccinated and said covid was all made up. And ranted about her cult as we finished the call. I wish I actually had a reason to exist. I'm scared I won't make it to my birthday.  My thoughts have been really intense lately. I an trying to hold onto next week but I'm tired. My physical health sucks, my mental health is deteriorating, everyone in my head has had enough. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured

It's great you are finding words that express how you feel. Also it's great you're writing your own poetry too. All sorts of self-expression can help, from poetry to music to journalling to art or photography etc. Yes, the writing can come out pretty intense. I tried writing a poem a few weeks ago about a situation that was greatly troubling me and it came out very intense too. But that's ok. It is good to get stuff out like that.

It sounds like the phone call with your Mum wasn't so helpful. It's challenging when those close to us, including family, are saying things that aren't really supportive of our current situation. The best advice I can give is to keep orienting yourself towards the things that do help and to try and separate out from things that people say that might not be helpful.

I hope you find out soon about when your step dad will visit. In any case, just keep connecting with the things that give you hope and encourage you in some way. It is really understandable you feel tired. Just see if you can get some deep rest. That's often where we start to heal. Sending you restful kindness.