Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

It sucks to hear that you're struggling and that you don't have enough funding to see your psychologist. Your poetry is really nice though, you should do more. We would love to read more of your poetry. I'm sorry to hear about your step dad too. I can't imagine how hard this must all be for you especially with the physical stuff in the background. Remember you can always contact the counsellors here at any time too.

Please continue to keep us updated on how you're going. I hope your 30th goes well. 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

It's my brothers birthday tomorrow.  I'm not coping with memories of him or our childhood. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

I'm sorry to hear this. Perhaps it might be best tomorrow to distract yourself with something you enjoy or talk to someone maybe outside the family. Or even write some more poetry. Let us know how you go.

Bob

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Centaured, I hope you have been doing ok over the last couple of days. Chatting to someone can sometimes help alleviate the intensity of distressing memories, bringing you back to the present. Listening to favourite music or watching a favourite movie might help. Sending you best wishes.

[Centaured]

I'm had a good time with my dad. He went home yesterday. Imamd it's my birthday tomorrow,  I'll be 30. I'm kinda scared of it. 

I never thought I'd actually make it. All the crap that I've been through, all the stuff I've done to myself, and here i am. I can't believe it. 

It's weird sitting here at 3.30am actually being positive about it wjd feeling glad to be here. I'm content at the moment. I'm proud.

I feel as I hit this stage of my life I'm changing. I can feel myself being hopeful some days, and actually wanting a future. The artist in me is telling me to create the life I want now because I'm stronger than what those people have done to me. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

I am so happy that you had a good visit with your dad and that you are positively looking forward to your future. I’m proud of you too.

I so want you to create the life you want now. Can’t think of a better gift to give yourself for your milestone birthday than a fresh hopeful mindset.

Please, enjoy your special day. Happy birthday!

Kind thoughts to you

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured 

You’ve just brought a tear to my eye while I’m eating breakfast. I am so happy for you that you are experiencing these positive feelings. Like Summer Rose I feel proud of you too, for being so brave and a good person who is finding a way through. I’m glad you are feeling that meaningful connection with the artist in you. Art is a soulful expression of life and it’s beautiful you are feeling that connection. Wishing you a lovely birthday!

Very best wishes,

ER

[Bob_22]

Hey Centaured,

Happy Birthday! Welcome to the 30 club (I'm also 30). I hope you're having a good day. That is a good way to look at it as the start to a new chapter. There is much I regret about my 20's and things I wish I did differently but as you said, you are stronger and can create the life you want now.

Keep us updated.

Bob

[Centaured]

Thank you for the birthday wishes everyone. It was the best one I'd had in years. I went down south for a few days and just got home tonight. 

Things are falling down now tho. From the start of lo spirit's song good enough 'If steady feels like this I got it all wrong Cause all the good days get taken away When my head turns on. If steady goes like thisThen why do I feel Like i'm on my knees, screaming for peace Like it's no big deal"

it kinda feels like that now. Everything feels wrong and I want to die again. I just want to feel ok and be ok. Was that too much to ask for my birthday. I can't deal with my head. I want to self sabotage. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured 

I think it’s not unusual to have a down feeling after you’ve had a positive time like you have in recent days. Often when you’ve been struggling for a long time it’s like the nervous system reflexes back to that because it’s what it’s used to. But it doesn’t mean you’ll stay stuck there. Knowing it is possible to feel much more hopeful and positive can act like an island of safety, something you know is real because you have felt it. You also had that meaningful people contact and change of scenery which can help shift how you feel and it creates different neural pathways. 

I understand the feeling of falling backwards. It’s happened to me in recent days. I’m trying to tap into the positive feelings I’ve had lately generated through positive, healing interactions. It’s like a body memory that’s actually there. Perhaps you can remember the beautiful scenery you saw down south and how you felt more relaxed and hopeful, and try and ease yourself back into that more relaxed state.

Are there some other things you can look forward to just as you looked forward to seeing your Dad and having that nice time over your birthday? Maybe favourite music to listen to or things of interest to explore? Perhaps a new artwork idea?

 I have been listening to Evanescence lately in my down moments because their songs mirror that struggle of being affected by darkness but striving for the light. I found a version of their song Bring Me to Life that their singer Amy Lee performs live with the Wagakki Band, a cool Japanese band that blend rock with traditional Japanese instruments. I really like this performance in particular. It’s turning the energy that could be self-destructive into life giving energy. It can be found on YouTube if you look for Amy Lee, Wagakki Band and Bring Me to Life.

You have so much life in you Centaured with your creativity and sensitivity. Wishing you well and hope you’re doing ok.