Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Centaured]

Hi Bob, summer rose 

Ive ended up in hospital. I don't want this. I can't do it anymore. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

I’m really sorry that you’re so unwell. Hugs to you.
I am glad, however, that you’re safe. I’ve been worried about you all day.

I understand that you’re tired and in a lot of pain. I’m wondering if you now have family support? Is there anyone you can talk to about what is happening for you?

You don’t have to answer (no pressure) but I hope that you are being supported.
I would just take things one step at a time right now. Try to rest and eat and remember that tomorrow is another day.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry you wound up in hospital. I hope you are doing better today. Did your support team get in touch with you?

Much love,

Bob

[Summer Rose]

Hey, Centaured.

You’ve been on my mind for the last few days, so just checking in. Sending love and best wishes, always.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Centaured]

Thanks for checking in on me summer rose and Bob. 

The last few days have been really rough. On Friday I finally saw a psychiatrist via video link ( I have been here since 3am Wednesday and as I'm in a tiny country hospital with there's psych on site). The plan is to be transferred to a psych unit in Adelaide when a bed becomes available. 

I would have been going home today but I'm stuck here. My family haven't been very supportive, my dad leaves to head back to Tasmania today and won't come see me, same with my aunt back to northern WA. 

Apparently I keep slipping into psychosis, I can hear members of my family outside my room, and I feel really paranoid. I keep dissociating and my alters are really loud. I'm a bit manic and I'm not sleeping. All I know is I'm not coping, I feel like I'm back to being a little kid that feels terrified. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update. I don't blame you for feeling terrified, hospital is a very scary experience especially when you are on the general ward. It's good to hear though that you saw a psychiatrist and will be transferred when a bed is available. I'm sorry to hear that your family hasn't been very supportive, but you should know that we think you're doing great things and are very strong. 

I hope that once you've been transferred and are under the right care/meds that your psychosis comes under a bit more control. I've never experienced hallucinations or delusions so can't imagine how distressing that must be. Please keep us in the loop and thank you for the update again. I hope you take care of yourself and acknowledge how strong you've been. 💙

Bob

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

Thanks for letting us know how you’re going. I am so very sorry that you are so unwell.

Please try to remember that while people do unfortunately fall sick, they also get better.

I’m pleased to hear some family are with you. Although I am sorry to hear of the lack of understanding and compassion shown by your Dad and Aunt. 
It may help you to know that you are not alone with this problem.

I have found through experiences that many people don’t “get” mental health and don’t want to get it. When my daughter was very unwell with her mental health condition her paternal grandmother turned her back on her. My daughter was devastated but I urged her—and now urge you—to focus on what you have and don’t worry too much about what you don’t have.

You have concerned family outside your room, a support team back home and this community. You are not alone.

When you get to Adelaide you will no doubt receive more appropriate care. Give yourself time to find your way back. And remember, everyone here at the forums will do whatever they can to keep the lights on to help guide you home.

Love to you, sweet one

[Centaured]

My grandfather had a fall and he's in the room next to me. F@!#

[Centaured]

And thanks summer rose and Bob, I appreciate the replies it's hard for me to respond properly rn. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

You don’t have to respond or respond “properly”. You need to rest and look after yourself. We understand what is happening for you. Unconditional non-judgmental support is what it’s all about here.

I can’t believe the news about your grandfather! What do they say, “ when it rains it pours”? Never mind, the sun always comes out. You will be out of there soon. Just hang on.

Kind thoughts to you