Centaureds story. TW

Centaured · ‎26-08-2022

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape.

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

Summer Rose · ‎22-09-2022

Hi Centaured

I have been thinking about you and just wanted to pop in and say that I hope you’re travelling okay.

We are here for you if, and when, you need support (no pressure).

Kind thoughts to you

Centaured · ‎27-09-2022

Hi everyone.

The holiday is just a few days away and I haven't been coping, a lit of it to do with other things outside of this but still its landed me In hospital a number of times. I'm currently in the ED waiting for the drs to figure out what to do.

In regards to seeing family, I have found out my brother won't be going yay. And I won't have any solo contact with My grandparents, I'll be with my dad the whole time.

My dad is a safe person for me -despite his brain damage.

I am still looking forward to my holiday because it means a break from hospital, and I should be 1 month sh free when I get back.

Bob_22 · ‎27-09-2022

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for updating us. I'm sorry to hear that you've not been coping and that you have been (and are currently) in hospital.

But its great to hear that your brother won't be going on the trip and that you feel you will be safe throughout. Please remember, that if you don't feel safe or are uncomfortable that you every right to leave or cut the trip early. Also great to hear that you have been one month free from self harm.

Please keep us updated and I hope your time in hospital goes well today. I also hope the trip goes well but remember there is always immediate support available if you feel you need it. 💙

Bob

Summer Rose · ‎27-09-2022

Hi Centaured

So nice to hear from you.

I'm pretty much a "ditto" to everything Bob said! I'd just like to add that I think you're one of the bravest people I've ever met. It takes real courage to present to hospital and seek help--well done. You keep fighting for your health and best possible life.

I hope you enjoy your trip as much as possible. Pick up the phone or tap your keyboard if you need support. You're not going alone, Bob and I and many others are right with you--albeit at the other end of the computer line--every step of the way.

Kind thoughts to you

Centaured · ‎01-10-2022

I ended up getting out of hospital on Tuesday and this has been a better week. I'm off first thing in the morning. I'm kinda scared though. But also excited. I need a break from life at the moment.

Summer Rose · ‎01-10-2022

Hi Centaured

I’m so pleased to hear that you have had a better week! I really hope that you received good care in hospital and that you feel a bit stronger and more stable.

I think given the circumstances it’s only natural to feel a bit scared about your trip. You should be really proud that you’ve kept the fear from stopping you.

Having said that, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help/support if you need it. It’s always okay to only engage in the activities you feel comfortable with. And always be kind and gentle with yourself. Protect yourself and do things your way.

Kind thoughts to you

Bob_22 · ‎02-10-2022

Hi Centaured,

Thanks for the update! It is great to hear that you've had a better week and are excited for a bit of a holiday. I hope you keep well and be sure to touch base. 🙂💙

Bob

Centaured · ‎02-10-2022

Shit I can't do this.

Well idk I guess I'm just tired. I'll go to sleep and see my grandfather tomorrow. It's fine.

Summer Rose · ‎03-10-2022

Hi Centaured

I’m not sure if you’re doubting yourself or feeling afraid or both or something else. In any event, as a mum my words to support you are …

When you see your grandfather you hold your head up high. You are not to blame for the trauma and have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Remind yourself that you are safe, he can’t hurt you anymore and that you have complete control over your body.

I would also suggest you have a plan to quickly exit the space should you need to. A migraine or toothache will give you an excuse to quickly leave.

If you experience high stress, anxiety or a panic attack go to the bathroom or outside and ground yourself (eg splash water on your face or take your shoes off and walk in the grass). Then call one of the support line numbers that you use and, of course, post here any time.

Kind thoughts to you

Summer Rose · ‎03-10-2022

Hi again

I shared my thoughts but really want to say something more.

Please remember that it’s also okay not to put yourself in the position where you have to see your grandfather. If it’s too much for you right now it’s essential that you put you—and your mental health—first.

It’s not a failure to change your plans. It’s a win to have the courage and to take control to do what’s best for you. That works both ways, whether you see him or not.

Whatever you choose you have my unconditional support.

Kind thoughts to you