Dear Croix,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. I think feistyness probably is different from rudeness. If I think of my neighbour, she has never actually been rude even though she expresses herself very strongly. She talks tough and yet has a heart of gold. I’ve heard her telling off a service provider but the sternness was probably appropriate and got the message across. So I think I could do with a bit of feisty in me. I’ve definitely lacked it for much of my life. But I am noticing it emerging a little. It’s only ever really comes out on rare occasions when I’ve been pushed to extremes before.
As I love birds and animals, I can’t help thinking of willie wagtails and grey fantails, both confident, feisty little birds. I remember a brown goshawk landing in a tree where I once lived. All the small birds went silent in fear, except a willie wagtail that aggressively chattered, harassed and attacked the much bigger goshawk non-stop. The goshawk looked non-plussed and eventually flew away. So I need a bit of that I think!
What I’m reckoning with at the moment is coming to terms with my parents’ behaviours that really weren’t ok and naming those behaviours for what they are. I’ve always focussed on the good and in many ways that has been healing. But the dark side has to be reckoned with too, and both my parents exhibited pretty shocking and immature behaviours at times. Both said and did things to put down and injure me (and they did that to one another too).
When I was 13 I was in my guitar lesson and I would get this involuntary shaking. My guitar teacher took my hands to stop them shaking and said is everything ok at home. Of course I said yes. So right now I’m trying to correctly see that actually certain behaviours were abusive.
I understand what you mean about the difficulty of answering the question with regard to tempering judgement. I don’t think I would have caused the same degree of harm if I’d been a parent. I think I would have made mistakes, for sure, based on the inadequacies of my own upbringing, but I can’t imagine that I would have been deliberately cruel to my own children.
I experience a kind of painful conflict I feel in my heart when I name my parents’ behaviours for what they were. As a child of course you want to believe in the good to help yourself feel safe. Admitting your parents are a danger to you then can feel like it threatens your very existence. So I’ve probably maintained a positive view to protect myself from childhood onwards.
I struggle too with my brother because some of his behaviours have also been selfish and narcissistic. I struggle to write that but it’s something I have to admit is real. I’m learning you sometimes have to develop a bit of a stern view of reality. I was severely abused by my brother’s partner following my mother’s death. I ended up collapsing on the side of the road at night while she kept abusing me. It nearly pushed me over the edge. Her behaviour was abhorrent and I’m quite sure she thought she could get away with it because of my gentle nature. I’ve had nothing to do with her since shortly after that. But if I did ever cross paths again, let’s just say I know some very strong words would come out of my mouth. I’d let her know the damage she did and what I think of her.
So I can feel myself getting a lot stronger and part of that includes seeing things in the cold light of day. I think I am learning to defend my boundaries and it is necessary.
Thank you for your questions Croix. They help me process and come to terms with things.
