C-PTSD and fear of people

[Eagle Ray]

Warning: possibly trauma activating content.

I have made significant improvements in complex trauma symptoms in the past year. One of my biggest fears is that people are going to harm me which is ever-present but had lessened a lot. Then on Monday I got triggered by something that is probably not harmful but activated terror in me. It’s too much to explain the context here.

Do others have this extreme fear of people and if so is there something that you’ve found helps you?

To me it is experienced as life threatening terror. I can feel my body literally recoil from any contact with humans. Animals are safe to me but not humans. I have experienced a lot of trauma throughout my life.

Over the past week I’ve had unrelenting anxiety which yesterday also became depression which I know is a result of the anxiety not resolving. I want to run away from all people and go somewhere remote in nature. I’m also dealing with bouts of cognitive confusion linked to an autoimmune condition I have which isn’t helping.

I know self-isolation is not a good or healthy long term strategy. However, I want total isolation from people right now. It is the only way I can feel safe. It can feel like this is the only way I can be safe in life, to avoid people as much as possible, even though there is part of me that loves people and wants connection. But right now connection feels profoundly dangerous. I am back in the centre of my childhood terror.

Right now the Bruce Springsteen song Brothers Under the Bridge is speaking to me in which a Vietnam veteran tries to explain his need for isolation to his daughter. I think my grandfather was like this in how he isolated from others following traumatic war experiences. I think I’m trying to work my way out of this inherited intergenerational trauma as well.

[Eagle Ray]

After writing about traumatising things from my childhood yesterday I realised I activated some of my own fear response again. I woke during the night several times with fear and again this morning. I hope I’m not activating fear for others by mentioning such things. So I thought I would share something that helps a bit from psychologist Tara Brach. She calls it RAIN which stands for:

• Recognise what is happening. 
• Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
• Investigate with interest and care.
• Nurture with self-compassion.

I find this helpful. So for me I recognise there is fear, I allow rather than suppress it (because suppressing it feeds it), I look gently and curiously into why it is there, and then I nurture myself by doing something to support and take care of myself.

When fear activates for me it is often extreme and persists for hours at a minimum but usually days and sometimes weeks, sometimes longer in relation to severe triggers. Even as I write this there is intense fear in my nervous system. I have learned it often has to run its course and it will subside.

I know from somatic work that the fear is a kind of freeze as well. So actions can help to break out of the freeze. Going away recently did that for the last bout of fear and got it out of my system. It’s the equivalent of an animal running to safety from a predator in the wild. That’s how primal it is for me. I’m going away again in a week and I know that will really help again.

 I probably carry particularly abnormal amounts of fear that started in utero with my mother, a traumatic birth and her just totally unable to bond with me. I was not hugged or told I was loved as a child. So it’s why the human world has never felt safe. It’s also why I heal in nature because nature became my parent/family. I always become ok there and I know it will nurture/support/hold me on my next trip.

So I will just take actions today to help myself feel safe. Even curling up under a blanket can help. It helps create a feeling of safety and then my nervous system gradually starts to unwind and let go of its hypervigilance.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

 I’m glad if the thread is cleansing and invigorating! I understand about your sister. There are times you have to let go of trying to do anything to repair the situation with them. They are their own responsibility and it’s up to them to face their own stuff or not. I’ve busted a gut supporting my brother in the past. I’m not doing it again.

 I was worried I might be creating stress in others by what I’m writing about, so I’m glad if it’s helping you. My own fear has set off again, I think from revisiting traumatic memories with the feelings that accompany them. It’s amazing how the body can revert to childhood fear. But I’m being gentle with myself today and nurturing myself.

Take care, you and dig and anyone reading.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

I can't recall which post it was in,  but you know how you described your grandmother being violent towards your mother? That was how my mother was towards me. Except quieter, 'so the neighbours wouldn't hear'. My description was edited out by the mods, probably because it was a bit too specific and graphic. And, yes I guess I turned inward, sucked it all up, soldiered on, and pretended I was okay. But, throughout my life I have had a few moments of feeling intense rage and almost being physical. For example, a long time ago I was about to punch a boyfriend and he grabbed my arm to stop me. And I had another moment of smashing a cup on the floor in a rage during an argument with a partner. It is absolutely terrifying when that rage swells up in my body. I purposely chose not to have children because I was so terrified that the rage would come up. 

And recently I felt that rage because it seemed like my practitioners were not getting how bad I was feeling, and that I was really struggling. Because I "present well". I guess that 'mask' has been a survival mechanism my whole life. The pretending to be okay. And it ends up fooling even the practitioners, if that makes sense. It was very frustrating!! It's like I am trying to scream out, please see past my survival mask to the damaged person beneath who is crying out for help. I felt that energy of rage coming up in a GP appointment, it was intense. But my GP is on board now and my psychologist too - they get it. And, I realise now that when it comes up, the energy needs to be discharged, and then the body can come back to equilibrium. 

I am sorry to hear about your brother. It sounds like you have done everything you can. Sometimes people just cannot face the trauma, it's too much. As you say, it is his journey. My sister cannot face it. Her survival strategy is to pack it all away in a box and never 'go there', and to keep 'playing the happy family'. Amazingly though, she has been incredibly supportive of me and my journey. I protected her for many years in our childhood, and now it feels like she is there for me now. Swings and roundabouts, as they say.       

Take care, 

dig

[white knight]

ER

Please take a break if you feel its needed. 

All my care

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig,

What you say makes total sense. I understand about the mask of coping and coming across as more ok than you are internally. Then others have this expectation of you that you are pretty much fine, but really you are wanting them to understand that you are struggling. I’m so glad your GP and psychologist are on board now and getting you. I’m very fortunate with my psychologist in that way. I still haven’t found the ideal GP in that respect, but grateful to have my psych on the same page.

My Mum could present to others as this quiet and capable person, even though she was so not ok internally. Then one day they would see her other side come out and they’d get a massive shock. I remember friends of my Dad’s visiting. I had dropped by to visit to find these friends were already there. My Dad went to get something from the pantry cupboard. This triggered explosive rage in my mother who just screamed at the top of her lungs. I remember the terrified expressions of the guests who didn’t know what was going on and hadn’t seen Mum like that before. For Dad and me this was a familiar behaviour and I guess we had learned to ride the storm. My Dad by this time had stopped his raging but was still frequently raged at by Mum.

 I think it’s important to understand these nervous system responses as survival responses. Those survival responses override everything else because we are evolved to respond that way when danger is perceived. I think that’s why even the most severe attacks from my mother that seemed personalised, I realise now really weren’t. They were never about me. It was always trapped trauma from the past.

 I can only imagine that your Mum must have been carrying trauma to act out the way she did with you. They are impulse, survival responses. It’s why I’ve found somatic experiencing so helpful, because it starts in the body where those responses are stored. The cerebral/analytical parts of the brain can’t solve/fix those responses until the body has learned it is safe, which has to be done somatically. That’s why I can know my fear is irrational, but that in itself won’t stop it. There has to be some action that brings about feelings of safety in order for the fear to begin to alleviate. I find it is all very primal, and the more I’m in tune with that the more it helps.

 I’m so glad you have your sister there for you. It’s great that although you each have a different relationship with your mother and of dealing with your family dynamic/history, you have each other.

You take care too.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Tony.

I’m slowly learning to grasp that I’m not in danger in the present when past fears get activated. But it’s just a very slow process for my nervous system to really know that. I’m going to walk down to the river this afternoon and will have a rest on a bench in a favourite secluded spot. It’s the spot where an emu-wren came and landed on my elbow recently while I was lying down having a rest there. Like you were saying about the bird that landed in you when you were watching the sunset, we are not alone in the world. Everything will be ok.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

I just saw this post of yours about RAIN. I'm sorry that posting about your childhood reactivated the fear yesterday. I am glad you could use the RAIN strategy. And I can hear your worry that the content might be activating fear for others too. I think you have to trust that people can look after themselves and manage their own reactions to posts. You did put a warning at the top of this discussion topic - so people know that this thread may have activating content. I think you have done what you can to be sensitive to other people's stuff. 

I can relate. Yesterday I realised that writing about my mother had reactivated some fear as well. I could feel very physiological sensations in my body, stinging in my chest, tightness in my throat etc. I intuitively did the RAIN process. Thankfully, I had a good sleep and I feel a bit better today. As you said though, sometimes it can take hours, days, weeks or more.     

Take care of yourself, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you dig,

Yes, I need to not worry so much about activating fear, anxiety etc in others. Again that is a product of my childhood conditioning. My mother made me responsible for her emotional state and I was expected to be acutely attuned to her needs at all times. So to this day I worry about the emotional wellbeing of others to a great extent. I do have to remember that people can look after themselves.

Right now I’m in a favourite sunny spot by the river. It’s a beautiful, healing spot. The fear I had earlier has now transformed into an assertive action energy. I think the discussions you have all helped me with are helping me move through the stages in my nervous system. So the fear activation is just my nervous system moving back and forth between different states. I’ve learned from somatic experiencing that it will often do this as it seeks a new equilibrium. So I probably had to go back into the fear a bit in order to move forward, if that makes sense.

So actually I’m actually feeling more empowered at the moment. So thank you to you and Tony for conversing with me 🙏 I’m learning everything is a process and it’s good to keep moving through the process, which kind of happens if I just let it do its thing and stay present with my intuition.

Once again at this beautiful location I have a gorgeous little emu-wren rustling about in the reeds and hopping around, right next to me at times. They are so cute 🥰 

[white knight]

Hi ER

A problem we all seem to have is recovering from our childhood injustice with treatment from a parent/s. Moving on from it is likely not fully possible. I realised this some years ago... "how can I control my mind to not think about topics that dwell"?

Well after much thought I came up with-

• Diverting my mind (distraction)
• Ignoring my mind (switching mindset)
• Challenging my memory (involves anger)
• Copying attitudes from others.
• Judging your foe

I'll  lightly cover these.

Distraction - Passions come naturally but hobbies, sports can develop. 

Defying your mind is described fully in (google) beyondblue switching mindsets.

Challenging memory involves self discipline or more accurately self criticism for your greater good. Better used in the early adulthood than later.

Copying attitudes. Eg I used to maintain jealousy of others owning material items until a boss pointed out that such jealousy will cause me frustration and conflict along with disappointment.

Judging your foe. Eg I look back to the treatment my mother dished out and conclude she was foolish, jealous and a sponge. In fact as a thought of her comes while I'm gardening I say out loud "fool". Works for me.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Tony,

Yes, those can all be helpful tools. I find diversion is quite a good one for me as I get absorbed in something else. For me photography is excellent in this way. When I head off on a walk with my camera backpack (containing additional lens and gear) and my camera in hand, that is total contentment and happiness to me. It’s like any worries or fears dissolve and I’m doing what I love. It’s like it’s a part of my identity.

 I think learning from wise others is very important. If our parents haven’t modelled certain things for us we have to learn those things from somebody. So picking up wisdom from wherever we can along the way is really valuable. I was just thinking about my next door neighbour today who is very feisty but also very kind hearted. I could definitely do with some of her feistiness when it comes to protecting my boundaries. She manages to be very assertive while also being very kind. I’ll try and absorb some of her feisty energy!

I think I’ve gradually learned to see certain things for what they are. I would go to great lengths not to judge in the past in relation to certain people in my life with challenging behaviours. I was really too understanding and patient. I’m realising that sometimes certain behaviours have to be named - e.g. selfishness, narcissism etc for what they are. My parents at times displayed these traits. But I try to still retain memory of the good traits they had too, which were present, and see where the challenging behaviours emerged from in their own life experiences. But I’m learning not to make excuses for people and to say no to unacceptable behaviours.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I really appreciate your support 🙏