C-PTSD and fear of people

[Eagle Ray]

Warning: possibly trauma activating content.

I have made significant improvements in complex trauma symptoms in the past year. One of my biggest fears is that people are going to harm me which is ever-present but had lessened a lot. Then on Monday I got triggered by something that is probably not harmful but activated terror in me. It’s too much to explain the context here.

Do others have this extreme fear of people and if so is there something that you’ve found helps you?

To me it is experienced as life threatening terror. I can feel my body literally recoil from any contact with humans. Animals are safe to me but not humans. I have experienced a lot of trauma throughout my life.

Over the past week I’ve had unrelenting anxiety which yesterday also became depression which I know is a result of the anxiety not resolving. I want to run away from all people and go somewhere remote in nature. I’m also dealing with bouts of cognitive confusion linked to an autoimmune condition I have which isn’t helping.

I know self-isolation is not a good or healthy long term strategy. However, I want total isolation from people right now. It is the only way I can feel safe. It can feel like this is the only way I can be safe in life, to avoid people as much as possible, even though there is part of me that loves people and wants connection. But right now connection feels profoundly dangerous. I am back in the centre of my childhood terror.

Right now the Bruce Springsteen song Brothers Under the Bridge is speaking to me in which a Vietnam veteran tries to explain his need for isolation to his daughter. I think my grandfather was like this in how he isolated from others following traumatic war experiences. I think I’m trying to work my way out of this inherited intergenerational trauma as well.

[white knight]

Hi again

A very important topic. In my experience fear of humans has come from hurt by humans. Humans can be destructive to their own by all sorts of methods, domination, cruelty, manipulation and you mentioned war. 

So, in my 20's I left society 5 times, packed up my motorcycle and headed for the mountains. Each time I returned usually 7 or so days later. My saviour came in the form of an environment with less population, a small town 200 or so people. Now 3000 people in our latest move with hospital, 2 supermarkets etc. Less queues than the city, no traffic lights, zero fear of crowds and crime and a more personal journey with locals. 

Ideally country living like this begins over 2 hours from any major city, beyond commuter range. It also means city relatives can't just drop in they need to plan it. This gives you relief from people interrupting your day unannounced.

Better to over protect yourself from humans by fear than erase boundaries and be infiltrated.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

Thank you and I totally get escaping from the city. I moved to a regional area over a year ago now. It suits me better and I don’t want to ever live in the city again. I feel safer being here. Crime is almost non-existent in this town. Half an hour north in a bigger town there are issues but it’s more out of the way here. There are also some great wild places close by that I can visit and find space to myself and just commune with nature.

However, despite the benefits of being here I’ve been really triggered in the past week and in a constant state of abject fear. I spent today and Wednesday going out with my camera doing photography. It definitely helps, but the moment I stop the gut wrenching fear is back.

At the moment I want to jump in my car and hit the open road going inland to somewhere more remote. I’ve been pretty unwell the last couple of months with my autoimmune condition, so not sure if that’s sensible. But I’m running on adrenaline (fight-or-flight) and every fibre of my being wants to just go. I’ve actually had more energy in the past week because my nervous system is so activated.

In that week I’ve started to feel that connecting with people is over for me and I’m always going to be running from people. It feels hopeless because I’ve had this constant fear my whole life. While it’s improved at times it can slide back rapidly. At the end of the song I mentioned above, the lyrics are, “One minute you’re right there, and something slips…” That’s how the song ends. It’s being together one moment and then it all falls apart.

The extreme challenge is that I’ve had multiple traumas throughout life. I work through some of them and do quite well, and then something else rears up and attacks me. Quite literally I’ve felt under attack since Monday. The best words that can describe it is survival terror. My very strong instinct is to drive a long way in my car and immerse myself in a different environment to break up the pattern of what is happening and let my nervous system settle, which I feel like it will do with the novelty and curiosity of going into a new environment. I already have a sense of where I want to go.

[white knight]

1987, my therapist upon listening to my weeks worth of irrational thoughts said "are they realistic". None of them were. Then I mentioned another, that I was in a long queue for concert tickets and felt I was going to be attacked. He said "by whom? Less than 1% of the community are identified as criminal, if there was 100 in the queue only one is a potential threat". Perspective.

Of therapists and psychs such perspectives were greater achieved by videos of Maharaji Prem Rawat.  I do mention him a lot because he hits the nail on the head. His video "all is well" and "appreciate" might be worth your while. "Sunset" I use when meditating.

Your "flight" need, interesting,  I had that and needed perspective... therapist upon me telling him of my desire to escape family members by moving interstate,  "so to cease contact for a time if you moved 3 suburbs away wouldn't that achieve the same result without the damage of upheaval of your life and your kids life by changing schools etc? Not to mention the next upheaval of moving back again if reunification happens"?

Some if us are lost ants from our colony. But, we need our colony and more accurate perspectives of our ideal environment, the best distance from people and maintaining contact with facilities etc is looking after ourselves.

I went to much effort one day in finding and climbing a hill. Once at the top I listened to "sunset" as I watched it happen. I got home exhausted but calm. A week later I walked 30 metres to the paddock next door and achieved the same result..

What do you think?

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks again for your thoughts Tony,

I have a rocky hill by the ocean I often visit that is my spiritual place. I always find some level of groundedness and connectedness when I go there. Interestingly it often also shows me my fears, things I might not have wanted to remember, but it somehow does this in a non-harmful way.

I understand what you are saying about rationality versus fear. The fears I have I cannot change with my rational mind no matter how conscious I am of them potentially being not rational. I say "potentially" because sometimes my raw fear instincts are correct, and I've overridden them with my "rational" brain only to have something traumatic happen to me because I didn't listen to my intuition. I have had some serious transgressions of my personal boundaries on multiple levels that has led me to not feel safe with people. When these fears are activated the only thing I can trust is nature and that is where the drive to get out into remote places comes from. I find myself again out there. I decompress and become whole again. I can do that to some extent in local places, but because I was very traumatised when I first came to this town it's as if I need to see something new to create new memory pathways. I just know my deep intuition is telling me to go further afield, not permanently, just for a week or two.

I am going to speak with my psychologist this week to unravel some of what is happening for me. The intense fear has remained since last Monday morning. It lessens when I'm out doing photography and I spent 3 hours today by a river photographing small forest birds which definitely helped. But the whole time I can feel my nervous system is still contracted in hypervigilance. But being is nature is the best thing to do when I'm like this. It matches my primal state and uses up some stress energy. It's like photography focuses me as if I'm a hunter, but I'm not actually hunting, just taking photos.

I do like the words "all is well" and "appreciate" that you mention. It is calming to have those affirmations. It helps. Thank you kindly.

[white knight]

Erased by TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your beautiful poem. It is fitting for me as birds are a significant part of my healing. I will take in the spirit of eagle.

In the past week I have got to know a male nankeen kestrel, a small bird of prey, at a particular coastal location. I see him hunting over the wild landscape. Two days ago I accidentally disturbed him while he was resting and he flew a few metres back and sat and watched me. Birds of prey need to conserve their energy in between hunting efforts, so I made a point of not going further that way and leaving him in peace. These birds become my friends/family. I feel supported by them and I respect them. I’m getting to know a little scarlet robin at another location in a forest by a river. He posed for me beautifully yesterday while I took some photos.

Thank you again 🙏

[Unicorn13579]

I am so there with you.

History: medical trauma.

Childhood stuff I have not talked about yet.

T10 Incomplete Paraplegia

It's not good no. but sometimes you can't help it or stop it.

I wakek up with nightmares. I feel soemone is hiding outside. I knwo its not true and i have to check every night.

I check the doors. I even bought a camera to help. It helped alot becasue i trust digital stuff and its helped me reinforce no one is there. Its been comforting. It lights up so bright on movement I am sure it xrays LOL.

Rigt now I am focusing on wroting dowm everything that frigtens me or triggers fear. This was my own idea i got form reading a booklet i was given and also talking to my carer whos partner has PTSD. (he is a nurse)

I have been through periods of this. My first one lasted months is 2020.

I hid from people and actually waited for my neighbor to go before I would go outside.

In 2020 I hid for ages inside and feared going outside and people. My counselor helped me with exposure therapy and building up social forays. It worked well.

I was ok after therapy and moved forward.

Recently I suffered a bad fall and a new life-threatening diagnosis of Autonomic Dysreflexia.

Its triggered PTSD my counselor told me. I just started a week ago.

When I finally sought help in early 2021 and got through, it was really healing. It was anxiety from medical trauma in 2016.

To be honest, if i feel safer hiding then I am going to still do it.

But I won't ever do it alone ever again.

Thats the key. Thats what I have learnt. Hide away but don't do it alone, get help.

Talk to people, your family, your carers if you have one like me, your counselor, and if you don't have one, get one. I am about to open up to my coucelor abot my childhood abuse. I have buried it until now.

I hope I can do it.

I hope you can too.

I am doing Zoom counseling.

It's a blessing.

It gives you support without the threat.

Have you tried it? I highly recommend it.

I have learned that having a chronic condition like SCI and AD predisposes you naturally to mental unwellness but it does not have to define you. I am at the start of dealing with this triggered PTSD.

It sounds like you might be too?

Talk to someone professional. If you can.

[white knight]

Hi, Unicorn, welcome

I've been here about 11 years, 10 as a community champion. I can say, I've never cried while reading a post... until now... why? not because of your condition but because of your tenacity, your bravery and your challenges that you declare you are facing, not to mention your new challenge in discussing the core of your childhood trauma, wow! I'm so grateful you are here.

I really like your approach to being alone, doing things alone but mention specifically that =- "dont do it alone", what great lived experience advice. Community Champions here rely mostly on lived experience and you have it in abundance.

One of your challenges could be to put faith in this forum. You are anonymous, we dont tolerate abuse. I feel safe here and I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). 

I'm hoping you will grow to feel safe here and I'm sending you all my care and feelings of hope. Your journey along the PTSD road is a bumpy one but I'm sure with your strength you will succeed.

The following thread might be of interest and it has several topics also you can copy and paste into google. cheers

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Unicorn13579,

Thank you so much for your supportive post and for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with the medical trauma and the autonomic dysreflexia. I’m really glad you have the counselling support and admire your bravery. I send you much strength in dealing with your childhood trauma.

I’m also doing counselling over the internet via FaceTime. My psychologist is actually in another state. I know what you mean about support without the threat. My psychologist is the safest, loveliest person but I can even want to hide from her at times and actually once pulled the hood of my jacket over my head and hid my face in my hands for a while. So even over the internet I can want to hide. But she is so understanding and can just be with me when I’m overwhelmed. Last week I made an appointment to talk about my fear, only to cancel it saying I couldn’t deal with people contact, then I requested an appointment again. I nearly cancelled it again because my fear has been so intense since Monday last week, but I managed not to and was glad I did it. Sometimes I want to literally run and hide from all humans. But I really relate to what you say - to hide but not do it alone.

I think writing down those things that trigger your fear can help. I know for a long time I didn’t even have words for my fear reactions. They just happened and I went through them without processing any of it. Being conscious of the triggers is a great first step. I’ve been seeing my psychologist for a year now and have made a lot of progress. But due to the nature of complex trauma it’s a progressive thing as I work through different layers of trauma from my life. I’ve cleared some things and just keep working through the next things that come up.

It makes sense that the SCI and AD can increase vulnerability to mental unwellness but great that you see it as not defining you. I have an autoimmune liver condition and being a non-responder to the primary medication I was told I’m at higher risk of liver failure. I turned a lot of that around with some additional treatment I sought, but recently a lot of debilitating fatigue and cognitive confusion has returned which is part of the disease. I don’t know how I’m going to go from one day to the next as the symptoms are unpredictable. So I think that adds to the load of fear. But I’m trying to live in the moment and accept the times I’m less functional, while enjoying the times I’m functioning much better. I really hope you can find ways to enjoy life and bring the fear level down so it’s less overpowering and you can be more at peace. Last week I wanted to hide under a blanket and absolutely have no contact with anyone. But today a friend invited me to visit her in a nearby town and I managed to do it. I think it’s making small steps at your own pace when you are ready. I really wish you the very best on your journey and feel free to post here anytime, knowing you are safe and there are others here who can support you and show you kindness.