C-PTSD and fear of people

[Eagle Ray]

Warning: possibly trauma activating content.

I have made significant improvements in complex trauma symptoms in the past year. One of my biggest fears is that people are going to harm me which is ever-present but had lessened a lot. Then on Monday I got triggered by something that is probably not harmful but activated terror in me. It’s too much to explain the context here.

Do others have this extreme fear of people and if so is there something that you’ve found helps you?

To me it is experienced as life threatening terror. I can feel my body literally recoil from any contact with humans. Animals are safe to me but not humans. I have experienced a lot of trauma throughout my life.

Over the past week I’ve had unrelenting anxiety which yesterday also became depression which I know is a result of the anxiety not resolving. I want to run away from all people and go somewhere remote in nature. I’m also dealing with bouts of cognitive confusion linked to an autoimmune condition I have which isn’t helping.

I know self-isolation is not a good or healthy long term strategy. However, I want total isolation from people right now. It is the only way I can feel safe. It can feel like this is the only way I can be safe in life, to avoid people as much as possible, even though there is part of me that loves people and wants connection. But right now connection feels profoundly dangerous. I am back in the centre of my childhood terror.

Right now the Bruce Springsteen song Brothers Under the Bridge is speaking to me in which a Vietnam veteran tries to explain his need for isolation to his daughter. I think my grandfather was like this in how he isolated from others following traumatic war experiences. I think I’m trying to work my way out of this inherited intergenerational trauma as well.

[white knight]

ER

Re: "Instead I would exhaust myself trying to do everything the other person wanted and always respond positively to them even when they were stressing me out! I just didn’t know how to do otherwise."  I can draw parallels here, in fact it isn't much different to many other people lacking confidence and natural responses of caring for yourself first. I had similar as I held people in awe, on a throne. I needed a full 100% reversal and that took 50 of my 67 years. Any wonder why animals are less taxing.

But I found one way of overcoming this quasi fear (some differences to yours) and that's tapping into the kind side of those that come across as tyrannical.

Since developing that I've exercised it countless times. Eg a nasty moody shop attendant serves me. When I pay her "are you ok, you don't look well" (putting her mood back on her)... usually they buckle. Once a guy said "sorry mate, were closing the doors tomorrow ". He'd gone bust.

It's a little to the left of your challenge but in some cases seeking what's behind their masks is beneficial. Other times they aren't worth our effort. That judgemental ability is a good goal.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tony,

Thank you, yes, seeing beyond the mask there is often a very valid and understandable reason a person may act and speak in a certain way. It’s why it’s good not to take certain behaviours personally. And it’s true, some people it’s really worth following through to see what lies beneath the mask, and with others it isn’t worthwhile, especially if whatever you find in the other person is something they will never change/grow out of. I’m needing to learn that distinction.

[white knight]

Dear ER

I'm so proud of you, not because you agree with me on most things but you identify your needs. 

I suppose I see myself as a "fixer". My wife and I will face a problem and she'll give up after a while, then lots of banging out in the shed and presto, problem fixed. The same with some issues we face her eon this forum, If there is a problem identified, outside the square could be the answer, if answers aren't obvious then chip away at the edges to reduce the impact. 

In 1993 I was retrenched by a Telco. We lived in regional Victoria and there was no work. So I had some mowing equipment and told my wife I'll knock on every door in town about 300. I did and no one wanted a mowing guy. First wife said "thats the end of that idea"... "well, no, I'll start it up anyway". I persisted and after 3-4 weeks had 6 clients then 12 weeks 13 clients and so on. 

Anyway enough gloating from me. I think if you are in the company of an acquaintance and there is a hint of softness among the direct, rude, dominating person, there is hope. Then there is the challenge of tolerating those characteristics for the sake of that small glimmer of kindness. lol. 

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

Good on you for persisting with the mowing business and succeeding. I’m sure there are many businesses that have succeeded because of a will to keep trying, thinking outside the square, being resourceful etc. I also think, at least from my experience, that when you’ve had it tough in life early you learn to persevere. I have very strong perseverance tendencies, sometimes too much and I have to let go somewhat for balance and wellbeing. But it’s also been an asset in times of difficulty. I think the total lack of connection from birth meant that even as a baby I was probably persevering to survive. From my earliest memories I felt like an isolated individual so if I needed something I was going to have to be self-reliant and figure things out myself. In some ways that has actually been helpful in life. Maybe it is similar for you too?

When it comes to figuring out people, who to let into your world and who not to, I’ve always been highly empathetic and aware of the other person to the nth degree. So I’ve let far too many people into my life because I could see the good in them without being mindful of the not so good. This led to me being used a lot by people which was a repetition of patterns learned in childhood. So I’m needing to be much more discerning and listen to my gut when it says something is not right, instead of ignoring it.

But obviously I don’t want to swing in the opposite direction and negate contact with people all together. When I started this post I was very much in run and hide mode, wanting to get away from all people.

I’ve arrived in my next town on my second road trip now. I’ve already met 3 other friendly people in the caravan park. I love the feel of this town already. It’s quiet and peaceful and quite remote. I’ve always been drawn to remote places. I could see the landscape becoming more arid in the last hour of the drive here. I seem to love this kind of country.

This morning as I drove out from the previous town I could feel my heart is happy. The open road is joy to me. I’ve driven through a lot of canola fields and rolling countryside today. I feel I am healing.

Thanks again for your support.