C-PTSD and Battered Wife Syndrome ** Trigger warning - Domestic Violence **

[Fiatlux]

Can we discuss this.

I have Complex PTSD and it’s been suggested that I be tested for BWS.

I am terrified at the thought of it.

I have read about it in preparation for it.

My abuser and I are separated and living apart so I don’t have to see him.

The last time that he attacked me, I fought back. He is twice my size so it had little effect.

I felt the rage of 30+ years of abuse and I thought that at that moment, I could kill him.

I defended myself for the very first time but since that day, I still have thoughts of killing him if he ever touched me again.

I hate that he has pushed me to this.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Fiatlux,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I also have C-PTSD after 38years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse from my late husband...It’s been nearly 8 years since he has passed away....and believe it or not I miss him at times....Not many people believe that I could miss him...but I do...

These past 8 years have been so difficult for me...so many triggers still around me and I go down in a matter of minutes when memories are triggered...I have had a couple of psychologists to help me to overcome this..but still it’s difficult..once we have been living our lives for our abusers it becomes difficult as bruises and bones heal..but unfortunately our soul is rather complex and takes a lot longer to heal...

I honestly think that you should try your hardest to get professional counselling to help you to move forward now your on your own....Please don’t be scared of having counselling...I know it works for some but not others..but really anything i always say.that anything is worth a go to get some sort of peace in our soul...

I am sorry he attacked you..but so proud of you for fighting back..that’s something I could never do..out of fear....on the repercussions.....Those thoughts of “killing him”..that’s all they are sweetheart..thoughts..you don’t have to act on them...and I’m very certain that deep down..you really don’t want to...It’s your damaged heart and soul...feeding these thoughts into you...

You, me and many others are survivors.....you are not alone lovely Fiatlux.....

Please talk Her when ever you feel up to it..We are here for you..

My kindestest thoughts dear Fiatlux with much care..

Grandy..

[Fiatlux]

Thank you Grandy.

I saw the affects of domestic violence on my Grandmother growing up. Although I never witnessed the abuse on her, my grandfather was violent and abusive towards all his children and grandchildren. We were terrified of him.

I think back to the way my grandmother looked at him, and as the saying goes, “if looks could kill”.

It seemed that the more affectionate my grandmother was towards us, the more violent he became.

My abuser has mentioned that he saw a similar look in my eyes.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Fiatlux...

Yes..I’m sure I gave my husband that look..but not in front of him..or else I would pay the consequences of not showing a happy face....

It got that at home..that I was too scared to even walk in the house when my hubby slept as the floor boards squeaked and would wake him...and not at all like being woken up..wasn’t very happy about it...My children used to be told to go to bed every time he slept..regardless of day or night...they were just as afraid as I was...

Once both my children reached 15 years old..he kicked them out..I think they were pleased about not being in the same house as their dad.....I found safe places for them to stay at their friends and payed rent for them, bought them clothes , etc and saw them a few times a week....

I know I was not a good mum and very useless at protecting them....still today I cannot forgive myself for the lives of their childhood...I don’t think I ever will be able to...

Its incredibly sad how one person can rule over the entire family and make their lives a living hell....

I am pleased that you left him...and I hope he leaves you alone..sounds like he is trying to manipulate you to going back with him....I really just want to say..that they don’t change...They can be all nice and sweet..then once the front door closes again...it all starts over again...I say this out of care for you lovely Fiatlux...

My kind and caring thoughts lovely Fiatlux..

Grandy..

[Fiatlux]

Thank you for your story.

I know that they never change. My husband has told me this many times.

He constantly threatened me with, “if you don’t like it, you can leave".

That sums up my 30+ year marriage.

He said it once too often, So I did as he ordered.

Since leaving him, he has been constantly harassing me. Anything and everything from threatened that I am not safe living alone to being overly nice to telling me that I am the love of his life and he can’t live without me.

He suddenly wants to prove that he is a good man.

I think he has an anterior motive, as I have revealed his abuse and he feels some shame that others now know.

If I return to him, I look like I was lying about the abuse as why would I return to him, if he was so bad.

He is actually worse than I have revealed.

[Sophie_M]

i Fiatlux, 

Thank you for posting and being so brave in sharing your story. We think that it takes a huge a mount of courage to share these parts of our lives and we think you should be very proud. 

We also think it would be useful for you to speak to someone about what you have decribed. 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) are the best people to speak to, they are experts and will be able to give useful advice on next steps and where else you can find support. 

You are always welcoem to call us as well on 1300 22 4636 and speak to one of our team.

We hope you are feeling ok and we hope you continue to be a part of this community. Thank you again for being brave and sharing your story.

Kind regards, 

ModSupport
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Fiatlux,

I hope you’re doing okay lovely Fiatlux....

How many times my late husband said those words..if you don’t like it then get out...I remember me saying okay I will...as I was packing my bag..he came over to me angry as ever with my hand bag in his hand...hurt me and hid my handbag which had keys and my wallet in it.....I did try a couple of more times...unsuccessful though...

I think that you are so right ...in saying he has an ulterior motive to getting you back.....They can be the nicest and most kindest people in the world when they start loosing respect from family and friends...and if you went back...who knows if he will be worse towards you...hide your things, so you are trapped...and yes people will maybe think that you made it all up....

If he continues to harass you..Do you think you could get an AVO...out on him...(I think that’s what there called)..So you can feel safer.?...Its not acceptable what he is doing to you now..

I kind of read between the lines...on your post..If he is anything like mine was....it’s hard to put things down in words...I have parts of the trauma I went through here and their in these forums...Sometimes I need to get it out of my head so I come here...So lovely Fiatlux..it’s up to you how little or much you wish to share here...never ever is their any obligation here..

Please dear Fiatlux..take good care of you....You’re a survivor and a beautiful person...who deserves to live in peace...

My kind thoughts..

Grandy..

[Guest_4643]

hello Fiatlux and Grandy.

i'm so very sorry to hear about your struggles. i personally don't know much about DV as i haven't experienced it, i hope i never do. my heart goes out to anyone of any gender, age, etc. that has experienced it.

since i can't offer any advice and i'm very sorry for that, may i kindly, but with no pressure, suggest 1800 Respect, or Blue Knot Foundation?

there may be some other websites that you could contact. i'm sorry i can't help more but please know i care about you both, and i'm so sorry to hear what you've both been through.

i send my love and kind thoughts. i hope things get better for both of you. you're more than the trauma you've both been through. it's their fault, not yours. they're the horrible "people" for doing that. i'm so sorry.

[Backtheblue91]

Hi Fiatlux,

The scourge of domestic violence has finally reached the forefront of the public sphere even so mechanisms to combat it remain flimsy at best not simply because of limited powers of police to intervene in many instances but a lack of social political and institutional cohesion. We are seeing this not only in Australia but globally.

Although there has been case law that has accepted BWS homicide in some instances. I’d urge this not to be the solution. From my experience begin to document every single thing the perpetrator does that is in violation of a AVO and as they build up the penalties become more severe for the offender.

DV support services are not the best they could be definitely. But I’d encourage you to let as many people and services know of your situation and usually more scrutiny is placed on the offender (not a blanket rule I know - highly circumstantial ) but I speak of my experience.

But yes do not suffer in silence there are thousands of victims who empathise and relate to your feelings. Possibly locate and reach out to them to draw from their perspectives. I’m sure BB have some great resources to get started.

You are worthy and do not deserve anything less than the best life has to offer

Warm regards,

Rhys

[Fiatlux]

Thank you. I will certainly look up the Blue Knot Foundation as I have never heard of this before.