Leaving place of Trauma, feeling guilt for doing so.

[pl515p1]

I am feeling so lost right now.
It has been several months since my father passed away unexpectedly at home.
I have continued to live here with great difficulty, unable to access room beyond the living room as the trauma, shock, and memory of finding dad in his room is too much for me.

I have been living in the front room only and at certain points even had to leave to use the bathroom of nearby restaurant as the bathroom is down the hall, past my parents room.

All of this has taken a massive toll on me, and finally after so much bureaucracy and hassle, I now have the opportunity to move, yet rather than finally feeling free, or even relief, I find myself feeling empty and lost.

Moving is difficult at the best of times, now everything I wanted has sent me into a panic of feeling regret, remorse and guilt, guilt that I am somehow abandoning dad, thinking that since he passed in his sleep, maybe his spirit is here, and if I leave, he will be alone.
I don't know, my mind is thinking so much now, rewinding back to all of the love and joy here, then to the sorrow and loss I am in, I don't know why I am feeling like this, I do know that dad was planning to move soon, he had talked about it for the past few years, readying to retire then move.

And I know from speaking to his friends, he would not want me to be this way, afraid of my own home, yet afraid to move. I know he wants me to live a happy life, and be who I was before, the son he was so proud of.

I guess what I am asking is, has anyone else experienced guilt and fear when deciding to move from a home that holds so many memories?
Right now I feel stuck, can't stay here, afraid to move, I thought after such a long issue to solve, this would have given me some relief, yet it has only seemed to spur more sorrow, and somehow make his loss feel more real.

I wrote two thing tonight, one was a for and against for moving, staying here has 8 things I could note, moving holds 12 or more positive things, yet I am contemplating rejecting the offer, even though I know I may not get another chance.

Why is this happening? I feel a sort of Stockholm Syndrome now in this place, have I been here too long and no way out?

[jtjt_4862]

Hi pl5151p1,

Sending you my deepest condolences to you and your family. Although not knowing who your father is in person, from what you've described, he sounds like a wonderful father to your family. I can't imagine how devastating it must be for you and your family...

Please take as much time as you need to grief. It will be hard at first to get through grief, and there's no telling when it will stop. But the thing about grief is, and something to keep in mind, you are allowed to grief for as long as you need. The wonderful memories and feelings that are built throughout our lives with the people we love, aren't something that can be flushed away immediately, thus why it is hard to let go of it, and it hurts a lot when we do so.

That saying applies to your current home as well. It's hard to leave something that holds so much sentiment to us, and every time we look at it, it helps remind us of the great times that we had in that place. Memories are easy to build, but hard to detach. We love to hold on to things that brings us happiness and joy, that includes memories as well.

Do you feel the need to make the decision soon? Perhaps allow yourself some time to grief a bit more, before making the decision? Objectively, 12 positives from moving out as opposed to 8 positives from staying, sounds like a better deal to be moving out. But I feel perhaps, if time permits, let yourself grief for a little while. Accept the sadness from the loss, while remembering the positives and happy times with your father. You've made your father proud, and it's as you said, he wants you to live a happy life, and be the person who you were before. While I cannot speak for him, and my apologies if this is somewhat disrespectful... I feel your father will always be looking out for you beyond the skies, and no matter what decisions you make in life, he will always be supportive and knows that you'll be able to overcome anything that's infront of you.

Take care my friend, happy to listen to you more if you'd like to chat.

Jt

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear pl5115p 1,

My story is different then yours...My late husband was bedridden in our home with cancer as I cared for him...He passed away in hospital only 3 months after being diagnosed....I couldn’t sleep in my bed after he passed away..it was too hard to even go into that room for a long time...

He did do a lot of renovations to our home....and every room I entered I could see him doing those renovations...and it just made me so sad...

I used to run the shop in the neighbouring village and went broke, I had no choice but to sell our home and purchase a cheaper one or go bankrupt....

After I sold it and bought another home..I felt so guilty because of all the work he put into the one I sold...What I did was to pack and keep all of my late husbands little treasure..you know things that are not worth anything to anyone but me...(sentimental valueI)....I put aside a shelf on one of my bookshelves and dedicated it him with his little treasures...and a photo of him that I like and doesn’t trigger me...

Moving from a home you lived with..with your beautiful father...is a choice that is going to be hard...The love that you had and still do have for your father...will always stay deep in your heart and soul, no matter what you decide to do....or where you decide to live...

I’m sure your father would want you to live a good life...with peace in your heart..

My kindest thoughts Dear pl5115p1,

Grandy..