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PTSD caused by Narcissistic Abuse
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Hi,
I am a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse in my family of origin. I have both narcissistic parents, and their golden child daughter. I am the family scapegoat and since I left home and maintain minimal contact with my narcissistic family, I believe my intellectually disabled brother might now be the scapegoat, especially by my mother, which is why I think he ends up getting violent whenever she is close by.
From 2009-2010, my sister made my family's (husband, myself and 2 sons) life hell. My NM fully supported her and I was subject to a smear campaign, along with my brother-in-law whom we eventually lost to suicide a few years ago. Since moving back home from NZ, I have not kept in contact with my parents' other daughter and have maintained minimal contact with my NM. I don't call them. They call me and I answer if I feel like it. For some reason, I was under the impression that my dad was an enabler, but after the events of yesterday and paying closer attention to events as I have had to do for my trauma work with my psychologist, I'm beginning to wonder if he was a Narc after all.
I would like to share a couple of messages and hope that I could get some insight.
Me: Hi Dadsy! It
was good to hear your voice and to know that you had to take a break.
You are working far too hard as always! 😛
Anyway, I have
been doing a bit of end of life planning and I had a question to ask
you. I hope that you don't think that I'm being rude or nosy. I was just
wondering if there was something in your documentation for protecting
(brother) and I from (NM) and (Emotional Vampire Sibling)?
Background
- I have spelled out the abuse to my dad in heartwrenching detail some
years back and it was totally dismissed and I was told to reconcile with
the sibling.
Dad's Reply - Dear (name). I am sad that you feel
the need for protection from your mum who has given birth to u and
raised u up. She is not a demon to devour you. Neither your blood
sister. The reason I need to work at 72 is because the 2 able kids I
have cannot take care of us in any way. Both of u shed your
responsibility leaving [brother] with us at an old age. We have given
you both the best compared to the rest in my family with no returns. If I
don't work who is going to feed us? (crying emoji x 3]
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Further info:
Fact #1:
He will never accept the abuse (including his physical abuse e.g.
chasing me around the house with a butcher's knife when i was 17 years
old for having a boyfriend even though I was a straight A student) nor
acknowledge the abuse
Fact #2: Saving for [brother] is only an
excuse because my brother has been around while he spent exorbitant
amounts of money and went into debt for the golden child but never has
enough money for me, resulting in us having to rely on salvation army
some days
Fact #3: He will never accept my disability - chronic
pain and fibromyalgia - even though they probably contributed to it
through the trauma!
Fact #4: If he was truly worried about money, would he really be buying designer stuff for his mistress???
Fact
#5: I never gave up my responsibility to my brother. Their pride kept
leaving them to say no, then they started worrying about us just wanting
their money, and not my brother - Projection
I'm so, so hurt
about this and I have decided today that I am ceasing all contact with
my biological parents today and will only keep my brother in my heart.
They've never really cared about my kids anyway, so at least unlike
other parents, I don't have to worry about that aspect.
Any help
or insight will be most helpful. Also, for those of you still doing
trauma work, how do you cope during the hard times in between sessions
with your psychologist / psychiatrist?
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hi and welcome to the forums.
Wow. It sounds like you have had a very troubling upbringing that you had to make the decision to cease contact with them. And I could be wrong but it sounds there might be a little anger, hurt in having to make this decision. Some decisions we make in life, whether it be family, work or other are incredibly difficult to make. When we make these decisions we do so based on the knowledge up that point in time, and is the best (?) decision for your well being. One might ask ... if I did not take that action, how would I feel then? Part of you knows what to expect if the decision is to maintain the status quo. Yet when you are at the crossroads and decide to go that new path, there can also be some uncertainty with what lies ahead.
I suspect that decision was made after a lot of work with your psychologist both in session and between sessions and self-reflection.
Why some people are or become narcissistic is something I do not know. Yet there is someone in my family who has narcissistic traits (I did not say this...) and the only way I can (looking back) thinking about this might have developed was as a coping mechanism to what was going on around this person. There are probably lots of other possibilities as well. It certainly does not remove any of that pain, but helps me out by understanding it was not me that caused these (re-)actions.
Lastly, and in between sessions, I will write down events, things happening to me, where they came from, reframing these thoughts and where necessary bringing up in the subsequent session with my own psychologist.
Peace to you, Tim
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Hi Tim,
Thank you very much for the welcome and your reply to my post.
My life was hell before I met my husband, I was the scapegoat of the family. I was under 7 years old when my dad physically assaulted me. What crime could I have committed to warrant such a punishment at that early age? I've been repressing and pushing down all the hurt, pain and terror. All that came to a head 9 years ago when I couldn't repress anymore and it hit me like a brick wall. I started getting chest pains and was in and out of hospital all the time. The pain eventually got widespread and I am bedridden some days. I still have nightmares and scream in my sleep.
Thank you for sharing what you do in between sessions. I have been writing things down too.
Cheers,
FireAndIce
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Hi FireAndIce84.
After reading your post, I can understand how difficult this must be for you to experience. From what you stated in your post, Dad sounds like he could be having trouble taking responsibility for his difficulties, so he puts it back onto you, otherwise blaming you for him not being able to acknowledge his behaviour. This may be because he doesn't want to feel hurt from feeling ashamed.
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