Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

[TimTams]

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted. 

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

[TimTams]

Funny Croix because it is election time and rape is never on the agenda. They put money to DV but it does very little.

I really hope then that if he isn't sorry, that he doesn't do it again. It's just the last thing I will keep praying for.
I guess it just makes me cry a lot because Croix I did not get to tell my full story to police and now I never will because of the comments made. Unfortunately, society has still not changed in some ways. Police don't have the role I thought they did. I guess I watched too many movies growing up.

Croix, in terms of police welfare, there are moments I feel concerned for the police who made those comments to me. I worried because they had no idea what was done to me and I often feel like they are going to hell because they were saying things that they had no idea of the context of. I hope if there is a God or higher power they will be forgiven. I have no idea how they do their job knowing what they did not stop or get justice for. Have there been moments in your police career where you regret saying the wrong thing? Seeing criminals be let off for terrible acts against other humans?

So guys I guess I am dealing with the fact my rapist is free. I am not going to lie, I still want to relocate somewhere he will not find me. But I was also told people can find your address if they really want so I am not sure it is worth the expense.

In a way Wait What maybe him walking free will be his punishment. He is living a life he knows he did not deserve. I don't care what people say, these people know they did the wrong thing. That is not on my shoulders anymore.
It's just shocking what some people can get away with doing to another human being.
I hope one day some kind of truth serum is invented so everyone with 'not enough evidence' can prove all the people who blamed the victim (actual victim, not rapists who claim hard done by) wrong.
And is it just me or is the criminal always the one who acts the victim role, trying to get sympathy? I also have no idea how they do this. It makes me sick. But I guess they have to come up with reasons for why they did what they did (believing the victim deserved it) to justify their future. How do people who have been brutally assaulted handle this with grace?

[TimTams]

Does that mean Doolhof could not get justice because it happened before legislation in 1994? Yeah, that is sick. But makes me realise how many millions of people have faced having to find the grace I pray to find.

[Croix]

Dear Tim Tams~

I'm not going to defend the actions of the particular police that came to see you. What I will say is that their role is not like on TV, it is more limited, less glamours and mentally injures a very high percentage of them -me included.

They are however a mix, and there are good as well as (a hopefully few) bad. I expect you will never have to interact wiht either sort again.

Keeping things back is something a lot of people do, and here I'm not talking about police statements , I'm talking about with loved ones and the medical profession. I do not know why people that have been injured as you have often feel shame, and even blame themselves in some way. You may know intellectually these feelings are false, but they are powerful and can distort judgment and emotion for many years.

I found when I did talk about everything to my psychiatrist and my partner -and this was MANY years after the fact, it did help release me.

Yes people without conscience will adopt any role to evade prosecution, not fair, not just, depressing. They also may not regard themselves as needing justification, simply becuse to them they are the only person in the world.

The way I have tried to combat all that is to see how much good there is in people. Yesterday I needed a special chair (I have spinal condition) and the person I asked went out of their way to get me the best available in a cheerful and supportive manner, one person equal to another. That made me feel good.

Yes of course I have regrets, this is just my way of dealing with a lot. You may be quite different in your approach, however I'm sure you will get there.

Croix

[Wait_what]

i'm glad that my experience could help you understand a bit more in a small way about how the system works and hopefully that will bring you a little bit of peace that it wasn't you. It's never you. And yes, Doolhof would struggle because the law is applied as it stood at the time. So my rapist got 3 years for 10 years of sexual assault of a minor (and only served 8 months in prison). But I drew my line in the sand and he'll never come near me again (and in so doing, I could keep my kids safe from a narcissist who still, to the best of my knowledge, has no remorse for what he did). But he's also getting old and there will be a LOT of time for him to think about what he's done.

So yes, you're right, at some point there will likely be a reckoning in the mind of your rapist. And lest we forget, karma. And he will have to deal with it.

Just today I heard on the news about someone who handed themselves in to police 20 years after the crime was committed.

Success is the best revenge. Go live your life as well as you can. Be all you can be and more. May you be blessed with love and light from this point forward.

[TimTams]

Thanks Croix. I too suspect I will never have to interact with either sort again. I can absolutely see why police have mental health issues. I do not understand how the officers who handled my case feel peace at night.

The family who hurt me had a history of going to court, domestic violence toward another person, physical assaults, a history of fraud, child neglect, mental health issues and a history of drugs. Despite this they still all live freely. I hope my formal complaint will stop their list from growing but without formal punishment it is hard to say. I cannot think about this because thankfully, their crimes and what they do toward other people will not be my problem again. I wish the other person had came forward because maybe, it would have made my life easier. But for whatever reason police must have decided even with another claimant who has been abused by the family it was still not enough obviously.

I do not really understand how police deal with seeing rapists/murderers regularly who claim they are the victims. It makes me wonder why it is police are rude to people who report rape. Is it because they did not believe me or that they just know they have no power to do anything. It is a sad world and I was lucky to live a very sheltered life to be very shocked by the processes. I suppose for others in the industry, none of this is surprising. I certainly would not enter the police force expecting to help victims of sexual assault. Clearly, police are limited and/or unwilling to do so.

I used to think people are nice too but I do doubt I will ever see the good in the human race again. I do not mean to be bitter but my whole idea of morals the world is really tipped upside down. I wish you well in retirement.

[Croix]

DearTim Tams

Although I will not try to defend the police concerned I can say that many will believe, but that is a far cry from being able to take action. Many do not sleep well at night, on many occasions I still don't.

One slight improvement is that some states now have a special division for these cases and the members in them do tend to be more supportive, and of course have more expertise, which does help a bit.however it is gong to take some sort of radical change for matters to improve greatly.

Can I suggest you keep trying to find trauma or abuse specializing psychologist who does not charge the earth, you will benefit if they are any good, waiting on the system is not practical. Have you been though a Mental Health Plan yet?

I never improved at all without psychiatric help.

As for morals, they are the same, you have simply been unfortunate enough to meet those without. There is some comfort (if not now then later) that some do abide by them and are trustworthy and have empathy. I have a partner now, and one who passed away, and they have been those sorts of people.

Yes, I know, I seem to be in a different nicer world than you, not so, I understand your experiences exactly.

Croix

[TimTams]

Agree with you there Croix. It is hard on me seeing how people who I thought were there for my protection may have done more to support someone evil. I know this is not necessarily the fault of police and that the Crown/courts have a role but still, it is the job police also do and everyone's role contributes to the injustice. It seems unfair to blame the injustice purely on the courts. I do sympathise police have to go home knowing that in one day they knew about a crime and did not do something about it (through power or otherwise). For moral people, that would be very tough. I feel deeply sorry for those who handled my case. It makes me question the reasons why people then join up to the police force, when the service isn't helpful (at least from my experience) when reporting assault/s. It is a sad and very long wait, still waiting. I have been considering more private psychology appointments but CBT did not do much for me. It is most definitely an expensive trial and error process. I feel I am a lot more stable now because of time and of course, getting away from that family. So I guess I am doing okay. Concentration is something I do struggle with but I have been lucky to find a new purpose in my life, which is not a relationship like yourself but a job.

[TimTams]

Wait What I suppose that news story sums up the mixed feelings victims feel and why no reaction is unusual. I was happy to hear someone confessed 20yrs on but that is also kind of sad the person confessed later in life...It is funny how we wish for things but then feel the emotion afterward. A confession would be great, but the sadness of that person admitting what they did is also depressing! It is hard for victims to receive confirmation of it all over again. Especially all that time later.

I hope these people realise that not all victims might live long for whatever reason (cancer/health/other) and do this before it is too late. They really will regret it if they don't. I will never understand why the person who hurt me does not regret it, but I can only imagine it has something to do with him not being able to face what he did. I should not make excuses for them but I suppose this is how these people continue on as they do.

The only good thing I have learnt out of all this is how much grace and strength I have to have stood up for myself and still managed to continue on even when the rapist cried wolf/not guilty and even when society is so judgmental and cruel. Probably (definitely) the toughest challenge I will know in my lifetime. I am remarkably proud of myself. It shows how resilient human beings can be, yes, but in relation to mankind having caused these crimes in the first place...gut-wrenching.

[TimTams]

Thanks wait what. I am not a fan of the success is the best revenge slogan because nobody should not have to prove themselves in any way. Success is a very broad term that be carry different connotations. But yes, I know what you mean. Live a happy life and do not let what they did get to me. Abusers do hate it when you start believing in yourself again, this I did learn!

[TimTams]

No offence taken Doolhof. I do thank you for your contributions and experiences. While rape is apparently very common, I personally have never known anyone to have been assaulted. And the police experience is something I was a bit rocked by. Everyone's opinions have been very helpful. I am finding the ability to take on the fact sometimes the wrong people have to pay the price for other people's crimes. Police might be worried about wrongful convictions but do they realise when there are no convictions, they instead are imprisoning the victim to a life of disgust, disillusion and fear? Probably not.