Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

[TimTams]

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted. 

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim Tams,

When such an injustice has happened, it can be very hard to understand how and why the person who is the victim feels so horrible and the guilty person seems to be able to carry on like nothing happened.

Even if you are not able to get justice for what has happened, I do so hope in some small way you too can hold your head high, that you believe despite this tragedy, you are a worthwhile person, you count regardless of what has happened.

It is tough when justice does not happen.

Cheers again from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Tim Tams~

There are people that care for you, worthwhile people who do believe you, in addition I do too, Dools is other, and the perpetrator as you say will never change.

You will change though , growing stronger, more hopeful , and in time you will get medical support that will help too. You have not been broken, you are now frustrated at a terrible system, which is natural, but I'd expect in time the focus of your life will change - what do you think?

Croix

[TimTams]

Maybe justice is letting them walk free because then maybe their soul really will die in the next life forever. We can only hope Dools. Have a good week. I hope I do not hear this story again in another 30 years but something tells me (and probably you) I will. Cheers.

[TimTams]

You are kind and optimistic Croix, but I can see my frustration with the system will never change. I hope there are some lawyers and police out there who really do care and really do start doing more. Every person deserves to feel special and cared for in a relationship and the ultimate betrayal (rape, not cheating) deserves real punishment. I hope the person who raped me, as he is clearly not able to say sorry, will then be able to forgive himself. Because I really am done with fighting now and you are right, too tired for the court system even if police apologised.

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim Tams,

One thing I am trying to learn over the decades of my life, is to find ways to deal with the horrible things that happen, other wise I become bitter and twisted.

I am certainly not trying to discount anything that has happened to you, I just know from personal experience that holding onto injustices and hurts causes me so much pain at times.

You may never be able to forget or forgive, the best you can do is believe in yourself and try to move forward. If you do go backwards for a while, that is okay too. There are still opportunities to move forward.

In time, you may be able to be of support to other people who are hurting for some reason as you will have some understanding of what they are experiencing.

Dools

[TimTams]

I don't know Dools, I think there is a difference between bitter and twisted and right and wrong. I know there is much in life that is not fair and everyone has their own battles. But there is no cure for cancer, this is the type of unfair that cannot be changed. Rape is something that does not need to happen though and is inflicted on someone by adults who should know better. I will always be twisted by that. I am living my life in the best way I can, of course. But it will always be wrong. And I do feel really angry still at how police spoke to me. If they saw what he did or had been there and had it done to them, they would not have spoke in that way to me.

[Croix]

Dear Tim Tams~

There are a lot of police who treat people with respect and sensitivity, I was one. Though it would be downright silly to say all are like that, though most do start as I did, young, eager, wanting to right the wrongs in society.

You will not be twisted. This was a time of life you will always recollect with pain , but you will find more, you already see kindness (thank you).

All I can suggest is the long way round, via lobbying , that has the potential to make it better for all, the police included, though I realise at the moment their welfare is far from your thoughts.

Croix

[Wait_what]

I agree with Croix's sentiments. The police (mostly) do the best job they can with the very limited resources they've got. Plus they know that they've got to meet the burden of proof (for a conviction beyond the shadow of doubt) and that can really, really hard. Then the case has to get through the DPP who decide if the case is 'winnable'. It's not fair for the victim of the crime, it's just how the legal system works in Australia. And even if everything stacks up in your favour and the felon is found guilty, there's only a 50:50 chance of a custodial sentence (a sucky outcome at best!).

Plus, it can take years and years to get to court - nothing like the 'swiftness' you see on TV. The whole process wears you down. My case, even with heaps of evidence, took nearly 4 years to get to court, and I was so over it, if they'd not subpoenaed me, even I wouldn't have turned up.

In terms of justice - the DPP won my case and my rapist went to jail. BUT...it didn't change a single thing in my world. There was no closure, no feeling of winning, getting justice, nothing. It was like I was watching everyone celebrating below me from a parallel universe - so strange. Do I regret reporting? Sometimes - and especially in the beginning. The whole process uprooted my life. Did it change anything? Maybe. All I know is that my case made it a teensy, tiny bit easier to put bad guys in jail the next time. And that has to be enough for me.

I did want to correct something from an earlier comment from @Doolhof about marital rape - until 1994 (in some states) it wasn't considered a crime (don't get me started). And the police can only look after crimes for which there is law (ie: legislation). The legislation is fixed now and marital rape is an 'actual' crime and the police take it more seriously now - although DV still has a long way to go.

@TimTams - no-one ever deserves to be raped regardless of what they were wearing, doing, drinking, etc. I wish you all the best. Blessings to you.

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim Tams,

Dear precious lady, I was not trying to belittle in any way the horrific experiences you have been through with the actual rape and then not being assisted.

I totally agree with you, there are wrongs that should never happen, unfortunately they do, to innocent people who do not deserve what they unlawfully and regrettably receive at the hands of others.

My heart goes out to you.

There have been many times when I wish I had the guts to now press charges against my ex husband for all the abuse I endured from him. I don't know all the intricacies of the law so I don't know if I would have a legal leg to stand on or not after all these decades.

Please know I am not making light of your situation at all.

Kindest regards from Dools

[TimTams]

Wait What these are the kind of insights I was looking for. For you, I am still really glad you did get justice. I have prayed for that for myself on so many days that if there was no justice that that person would one day send me an apology. I just wanted the person who physically harmed me to feel sorry for what he did. I did not think that was much to ask. But I don't think that person or his family can ever face what they did to a young person's life. He nearly killed me and I nearly lost my life, so why would he or they want to face or acknowledge that.

To be honest, I just realised the same thing today. You are right Wait What. Even if this person went to jail it would not change the damage he caused. I feel devastated because I never got the chance you did. But of course your life has not changed because of it. You are right. At the end of the day I (and he) knows he is guilty. Having society recognise that would probably achieve very little. It won't take back what he did or make the police feel sorry for how they talked to me. It was their decision to say those things in confidence.