Bad experience with police/reporting rape?

[TimTams]

Hi,

I am hoping to hear from other rape survivors in hope someone has been through what I have. When I reported my rape an officer encouraged me not to report 2 other assaults by this person because it sounded like "risky sex". This really hurt, because each time I was badly assaulted. 

I am wondering is anyone else who has reported rape in Australia has had bad experiences with police like me? I am finding it really hard to understand why not all victims are given the chance to go to court due to 'not enough evidence' as well. Of course rapists will deny it and I just cannot understand how this is all the system does before closing a case.

Has anyone else struggled with not having 'enough evidence' to get a conviction and bad remarks from police officers?

This has really deeply affected my trust in society. It just feels hard to understand the world when you are raised to believe these things are wrong, yet police support the rapist.

Thank you for any insights.

I have felt very alone in this and was wondering if there are others out there who have had similar bad experiences when reporting their rape?

[TimTams]

Personally I am really glad that the new Queensland police commissioner is a female who had police tell her women were not suited to a career such as police. Thank God for that. Good luck to Queensland to change their past. They wronged far too many people.

[TimTams]

I just remembered another assault this person did to me last night. Is it normal to keep remembering these details? I really want to stop the memories resurfacing. Does anyone have any advice on how to do this when you remember new information?

[TimTams]

Guest 5489 did you have evidence other than your account?

[Copacabana]

Tim Tams... it is normal to have memories of traumatic experiences surface later. I was horrified when my memory of an incident I had never thought about previously, surfaced as I was talking to a psychologist. I burst into tears when it happened. It was like a revelation. My memory of this incident was now so clear... how did I or how could I forget. Because of this it is vital to have a good psychologist who will have the experience and the skill to help you. Often in our psyche we tend to cover bad and hurtful memories as if they never occurred. Hence, we "forget" to protect ourselves.

[Croix]

Dear TimTams~

I read elsewhere you were wondering if you would have strengthened the case against the person who sexually assaulted you if you have offered some further evidence.

Obviously it will depend upon the nature of the information you might have been able to produce, sometimes other witnesses of an event are the best, other times DNA and other samples if properly taken in the case of there being an outright denial, sometimes the words spoken by the accused and so on.

Given the police did not appear sympathetic I guess it would have had to be something pretty compelling for them to take action. And as I said before, it is a most imperfect system, justice and even common sense is not always apparent.

I am sorry I cannot be more encouraging

Croix

[TimTams]

Would the information about having been assaulted as a teen have done anything? It is why my ex-partner knew not to do what he did. It was a huge abuse of trust and made it so much worse. It was something I feared so much. I know it was not DNA evidence but would that have made any type of difference to the denial that my ex did? Please be honest if it does not help. I do not blame you, I know it is not your fault. I just really want to know would that have made a difference? I never reported what happened to me when I was younger.

[Croix]

Dear TimTams~

I'm writing this out of concern for you, not to be negative or discount what you are saying, or the betrayals you have had in your life. I've no real idea concerning this previous matter, it is a whole new ball-game in itself, and while it is possible to report matters years after the event. I'm not going to guess if it would have made any difference in the current matter.

I would like to suggest that matters of court are less import than your mental well being, and for that skilled therapy is the usual way to go.

It is hard to leave such matters alone, I understand very well.

The legal system, as we both know, is a very disappointing and technical system in some aspects, and "what ifs" can prolong the matter in the mind. I have enough of those myself, and have -so far- deal with them though therapy and time, and they now loom less large in my life.

It is easy to blame yourself or suffer regrets if you feel you did not do something that might have made a difference, however that blame or regret is misplaced. The blame properly belongs with those that abused you.

I would love it when the day comes this past looms less large in your life too.

I hope I have not said anything in any way to cause distress.

Croix

[TimTams]

Thanks Croix for your professional advice I do really appreciate it as I cannot speak to police about this sort of thing due to it not being their job. The other part is I have no interest in reporting to police what happened to me (when I was 15 by a 40+ man) because I was more hurt by what my ex-partner did.

I may be stereotyped too i.e. for someone to be sexually assaulted twice by 2 different people mean something must be wrong with me.

But the thing is when I was with my ex-partner I had a full-time job and I was not someone seeking to be revictimised. The only reason why I told him about what happened in my childhood was because I did trust him and had been with him for years (he also forced me to tell him why I was not wanting to do 'xyz'. I just thought it might make police realise why he was very clear on what not to do to me sexually (because I did verbally tell him many months earlier).

But obviously they do not care about someone doing that. To me it was just the worst possible thing that could have happened to be assaulted a second time, and it impacted me more than the first. More because he knew that was my biggest fear and when he became abusive he used that information told in trust and confidence against me. For this reason, I will never tell a future partner (if there will be one) my sexual history again.

It was honestly just horrifying that someone would use what happened in my childhood as ammo against me. It was so much worse than the 1st incidence because I honestly was not asking for it. I was at the time living a life just like everyone else, working and wanting that fairytale dream. I was not asking for to be revictimised and it is just really hard to realise I guess. I thought I was unlucky but I just realise now he used that against me because he knew it was my greatest fear.

[TimTams]

The other part is that the police officer told me I could not report something weeks after it happened. He said this when I was reporting a relatively recent assault (my ex-partner's actions). There was no way after that I was going to disclose that actually, I was a teenage victim of assault which I never reported (10+ years ago). If he laughed me out the door reporting assault 6 months later, there was no way I was going to tell that officer that actually I was also assaulted 10 years ago when I was a teen and never reported that. How could I have.

[TimTams]

I mean, online grooming of a 15-year-old girl is clearly illegal and DNA evidence would hardly be necessary for police to figure that one out and jail someone for 10 years. But I have no desire to offer police this information after their doubt over what my ex-partner did in using that knowledge I told him (because I truly thought he was going to do the right thing) against me when he decided to take revenge out. It is just too disgusting.

Plus can you imagine police caring about me having been groomed online by a 40 something year old when I was 15 after they told me what my ex-partner did was just tit-for-tat? Highly unlikely. I had ears and fully listened to what the officer in my case said. Little did he know, arrogant *******. I will never trust a male policeofficer again.