Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Hi padfoot

i missed your reply and when I found it, it made me feel good.

David Tennant is a good actor. I haven’t seen much dr who but I think I would really like it.

I watch the first three Harry Potter movies and then I read all the books which I absolutely loved. They are my favourite of all time. After the books I finished the movies.

A few of my friends like going to comic con. Have you been before? I also have a friend who can make dresses and she made a tardis dress. It was so amazing!

Have you ever seen The Hobbit?

I only started the first movie and i am not sure if I should finish the series. Have you read Percy Jackson? They are also great books.

I you have a great birthday with all your friends 🙂

lulu

[LuLu_]

Depression really affected your life. That must have been so hard, I can’t imagine feeling like that for so long. I hope you find yourself again. The part that so enjoyed life.

my depression was sparked when my dad was diagnosed with life threatening cancer. My parents never told me the full truth of how serious each stage had become. They would tell me that they were telling me everything but in reality they weren’t. I found out second hand how bad my dad was getting and it was much worse than I had anticipated. In the end what saved him was trial operation. Radiotherapy had stopped working and his only option was this operation. It worked thankfully and now he’s in remission. But during those times I could never tell my parents how I was feeling or what I found out because I didn’t want them to worry about me. I became really sick. It was during Christmas that I realised something was wrong. I didn’t care where I was or who I was with. And during Christmas I wanted to be anywhere else but with my family. For the holidays I locked myself in my room and became obsessive with my study. I didn’t contact friends because I didn’t see the point. I didn’t see the point in life itself.

my psychologist believes my depression could be genetic related as it hasn’t shifted even when my dad is well again. It became worse even when he was in recover.

Now I don’t really know who I am. Other personal issues have become present in my life and it’s effecting personal thoughts on my identity. I’ve never met my biological father. I define myself by my illness. It’s like I don’t know myself. If half of myself is related to my father who I don’t know then how can I truly know who i am? I suppose i am just lost and empty. A shell of who I used to be.

Thank you for your kinds words. How are you managing at the moment? Do you feel better than you did before you reached out?

lulu

[LuLu_]

Hi SN

When you are struggling so you find time to be kind to yourself? I hope you do because I think it would be good to take the pressure off and just focus on feeling better. I am not in your shoes but I would want to focus on my health rather than the stressful situations of everyday life.

I do compete often. I have been eventing for a couple of years now. I do a bit of dressage and showjumping too. My horse looks after me very well. At the last competition I became so anxious that I started dry retching on the cross country. I put all my trust in him and he tried his best jumping all fences and taking me safetly to the finish line. I am very grateful to have a horse that looks after me so well.

its hard to think about he future. My vision usually stops when I look to far ahead. I just can imagine getting better. I feel that I will always make myself worse when I get better and I will never fully recover. I feel really selfish and weak for this attitude but that’s how it is for me at the moment.

I will try to seek help. I just find it easier to curl up in a ball and stay there for a while.

I send all my best wishes and good thoughts to you in the hope that you feel better soon.

Lulu

[Padfoot02]

Hey Lulu,

I need to read the Percy Jackson books, but I have seen the Hobbit movies (need to watch them again because I forget what happens) and I recommend that you watch them AND Doctor Who.

I go to something similar to comic con, it’s a local thing where I live, (I explained it in a reply to dragonflies) it’s really fun. I plan on having an awesome birthday.

Padfoot.

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

I'm not sure if I did get through those times. My urges were very strong. If anything I held back a lot. Id just cave in. I was so alone with my thoughts and feelings. What made me avoid thinking about it was dulling my mind through drugs. I didn't care about anything. I was so involved in how I felt at the time, nothing else mattered and I couldn't mentally see into the future or consider any impacts or struggles I was putting on myself. I just needed to make it go away right then and there. It only prolonged and intensified the inevitable.

I can't remember true happiness either. Remind yourself it is in us - think of when we were kids. We have felt it before so know it is a real feeling we can have. It's hard for us to allow ourselves to feel happy because it is such a foreign feeling. Try to let go sometimes, give yourself the possibility of feeling a little bit of happiness - not forcing it and not pushing away or fighting it. Sort of like opening a gate to allow happiness to come in IF it does.

What do you mean by you feel fake in the act? Pain is real, but for me I became used to the pain and it wasn't doing enough. Unfortunately its a dark path which can't lead anywhere good whatsoever. It is important to find other ways of feeling. Another bad habit I have is smoking cigarettes. I started when I was 14. I think they're disgusting etc. I am addicted to them now and have tried to quit that many times but haven't succeeded yet. It is another form of how I show myself that I don't care or want to look after myself - I'm hurting my lungs and health I suppose?

What are some things that can make you happy?

Thanks LuLu, that's very kind. I think the same about you.

[dragonflies]

Sorry LuLu I didn't see this other post.

Depression really did affect my life. In fact turned it upside down. I didn't ever imagine I would have depression. It more so felt like I just was depressed and that this was just me - who I was and how I was going to feel for the rest of my life. Overtime the feelings and thoughts just kept growing darker and darker. Who knows where I would be now if I didn't get help from my dad. He was the one who stepped up and realised I wasn't well (even when I thought I was well cause just thought hey this is me) He started and encouraged the process of help.

I don't really know who I am anymore - I don't believe I will find myself again in how I used to feel as I have always had a deep self hate towards myself. So I suppose it is going to be building the new me.

That is a very understandable trigger for your depression. I am sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is very scary. Being lied to is also traumatic. Can bring up trust issues, feelings of doubt or feelings of imagining the worst. I am so glad to hear your dad has made a recovery. I can understand how you didn't want to worry them during that time. Yeah I get that - feels like an overwhelming lack of care for absolutely everything and everyone. I didn't see the point in anything either. I'd drive around and think wow why are we all driving around in little cars on the road with lines and rules and blah blah. On my medication thoughts like that have quietened down. I'll drive my car and simply just be driving if that makes sense.

Are you taking medication for your depression? It's hard to know who you are when brain chemicals are imbalanced because your mind is your driver - having the illness overrides everything else. It's making you define yourself by your illness - you aren't. Try to give it time - once my chemicals began to balance out better I just started feeling slightly more normal? All my issues are still here my mind is just slightly better equipped to deal with them. Would you like to talk more about your other personal issues? I'm sorry you haven't met your biological father. That would be confusing. Would you ever consider your identity as just you rather than based on who your parents are? You are a shell waiting to be filled up again

I'm ok today. Finding it hard to find any motivation to seek enjoyment etc. Have a psychiatrist appt to alter meds now, will let you know how it goes when I get home. How about you?

[startingnew]

Ill get back here soon.

To everyone here i have SHed alot in the past and i have also tried to end my life. Coming from someone who has gone through that for anyone who has these thoughts i urge you to get help. The other side is not pretty one bit-the side where the demons take you- its not pretty. Its not easy and life is far more worth living.

I will happily talk to you about it and what ive done to pull back through. But please if any urges come up please dont act on them. Im 21 and these scars that i created myself haunt me far worse than my cancer scar.

Call a helpline, talk to someone,distract yourself anything but sh because it becomes an addiction then its far worse to break that habit. Im still trying to break the habit. Coming from someone who use to sh several times a day to now being 4 months without sh at all. It is possible ok. There is hope. Dont give up on yourself. We arent giving up on anyone.

Im not saying its easy because that would be a lie. I still have very bad days and weeks however they do end and the demons quiet and a sense of normality comes back.

il love you and leave you for now but i will talk to you if you have questions.

[startingnew]

For coping strategies for when you feel anxious depressed sh urges arise feeling overwhelmed check out a thread ive started called COPING STRATEGIES

NEVER be afraid to ask for help. YOUR WORTH IT!

[dragonflies]

Sn,

The demons really can control you and take you. It is so important to know that it's not you doing this to yourself.

Our lives will be full of ups and huge downs. That is our unfortunate luck. But being here for one another, finding purpose in our lives and reaching out for help is the best thing we can do. We will need to continuously remind ourselves that the dark bottom can't be dark forever, especially with finding the necessary help.

I hope to hear from you soon sn. I hope you've been feeling okay lately. I'd love for you to share anything you would like to share, to continue to talk things through.

I'm glad you've started to overcome the addiction. It is truly a hard habit to break. I know that firsthand. It can consume you.

I hope you will continue talking. You and LuLu and Padfoot and many others on this site have impacted my life more than you'd know and that I had ever imagined could be possible. I thank you all for that. And I thank myself for building up the courage and acting on it to join the forums and put myself out there.

[startingnew]

Hi Lulu- this will be a long post so there will be 2 posts!!


you wrote this to Dragonflies but I hope you dont mind me responding to this part.


I feel the same around other people. Like I should be having this great old time surrounded by people. You sound introverted meaning you keep to yourself and are more shy rather than loud and boisterous which can make us feel really out of place. Im the same way and having low self-esteem and confidence stops us from being brave, but in fact we are brave just by being around other people rather than hiding away. That might now seem like much but having small rewards can really help to motivate and boost our confidences.


Depressions isnt just feeling sad. If that was the case, we would have a lot lower mental illness in the world. If only it was as easy as 'just be happy hey. Doesnt quite work like that however we can have good days and those are the ones we remember when we feel down.


Dont deny yourself the wonder of looking, allow yourself to notice the beautiful things in the world.. focus on those flowers and tress, the birds and anything else you like. Feel how nice your horses fur feels, their smell and they make you feel when your riding and grooming them.


I work 2 jobs, study, am a sister to 2 siblings whom I care for ALOT, try and fit in time to see my own horses and be here. So its a struggle to find times to myself.